News & Politics

Three Reasons the Unmasking Antifa Act of 2018 Is a Bad Idea

Last month, Rep. Daniel M. Donovan (R-N.Y.) introduced H.R 6054 to the House of Representatives. Otherwise known as the Unmasking Antifa Act of 2018, the bill states: “Whoever, whether or not acting under color of law, while in disguise, including while wearing a mask, injures, oppresses, threatens, or intimidates any person in any State, Territory, Commonwealth, Possession, or District in the free exercise or enjoyment of any right or privilege secured to him by the Constitution or laws of the United States, or because of his having so exercised the same, shall be fined under this title, imprisoned not more than 15 years, or both.”

You might think this is a sensible, long-overdue idea. You might think that if somebody has nothing to hide, then he doesn’t need to hide his face. You couldn’t be more wrong. Taking away our right to wear masks and other disguises — while we’re possibly getting a little, y’know, rowdy — will have serious unintended consequences.

The following are just a few of them:

  1. It will hinder the much-needed crimefighting activities of Batman. As Gotham City residents know, the town’s already-serious crime problem would be a hell of a lot worse without the Caped Crusader watching over them. As it is, they have garish, murderous lunatics breaking out of Arkham Asylum and wreaking havoc on the city on a near-daily basis. How much worse would things get if it weren’t for the Dark Night Detective? And the key to Batman’s effectiveness is his anonymity. He can strike fear into the superstitious, cowardly hearts of criminals in a way the cops and courts can’t, because nobody has any idea who he is. His mask protects him, as does his astonishing collection of gadgets and weapons and vehicles that only a billionaire could possibly afford. But we’ll never know which one of Gotham’s Caucasian, 6’2″, 210-pound, ridiculously muscular, twenty- to thirtysomething billionaires is actually moonlighting as Batman, because he covers up the top half of his chiseled, strong-jawed face with a mask. Also, he runs around with a little dark-haired boy wearing an even smaller mask, so that doesn’t really narrow things down. The point is: No mask = No Batman. And without Batman, who’s left to protect the city? The revolving door that is the GCPD? An ineffectual silver-spoon fop like Bruce Wayne, who couldn’t even protect his own parents when they needed him most? Give me a break! Let Batman be Batman.
  2. It will be tougher to scare people during the annual Purge. March 21 isn’t most Americans’ favorite day of the year, but it’s the most necessary. Every year on that date, at 7 p.m. EST, that’s when all crime in the United States becomes legal for 12 hours. The results are dependably horrifying and bleak, but it does cut down on crime the other 364 days of the year, for some unspecified reason. And a big part of the Purge’s effectiveness is that so many of the participants put on creepy, disturbing masks, even though nothing they plan to do for the subsequent 12 hours will have any legal consequences whatsoever. The masks add an element of mystery and theater to what would otherwise be nothing more than a ho-hum, state-sanctioned spree of rape and arson and murder. What’s wrong with making it fun? Although I guess if all laws are suspended, that includes any laws against wearing a mask. Never mind.
  3. It will make Antifa kids think twice about physically attacking people in public places. Not fair! Who’s supposed to punch all the Nazis now?

Masks aren’t just for Halloween and/or sex tapes anymore. If we have to cover up our naughty bits in public, why can’t we cover up our faces too?

What do we ask? MASKS!
What do we ask? MASKS!
What do we ask? MASKS!
What do we ask? MASKS!

(Repeat through bullhorn until everybody at the Antifa rally gets bored or Tyler’s mom comes to pick you guys up, whichever comes first.)

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