News & Politics

I, For One, Welcome Our New Burger Robot Overlords

(AP Photo/Lynne Sladky)

If there’s anything I love more than consuming the sweet, tender flesh of innocent animals, it’s watching workers getting replaced by robots. In industry after industry, clumsy and imperfect human laborers are being pushed out of the workforce by superior machine logic, efficiency, and skill. But the business that’s closest to my enlarged, lard-swaddled heart has been undergoing the most exciting changes lately: fast food!

Machines are already taking your food order and reminding you to have a nice day. How long will it be until they’re preparing your meal too? How about, oh, let’s say… next week? Kat Krader, Bloomberg:

On June 27, the world’s first robot-crafted burger will roll off a conveyor belt in San Francisco and into the hands of the public…

The product, from Bay Area-based Creator, a culinary robotics company, is assembled and cooked in a machine that contains 20 computers, 350 sensors, and 50 actuator mechanisms. It does everything from slicing and toasting the brioche bun to adding toppings (to order) and seasoning and cooking the patties, all in five minutes. The meat is ground to order–why it’s touted as so fresh–and sourced from premium ingredients. It emerges from the machine piled with tomatoes and lettuce, sprinkled with seasonings, and drizzled with sauces, at which point it’s transferred by human hands to the customer.

Would you like microchips with that?

The whole process is done in full view of the customers, except for the grinding of the meat. That part is too real, I guess? Too close to the truth? Well, it is San Francisco. They don’t like reality there.

It seems fitting that this is happening in San Fran, the open-air workshop where the left’s fantasies of Utopia keep colliding with the hard reality of homeless junkie turds and dirty needles all over the sidewalk. Silicon Valley is bringing us the future, and it means putting even more people on the street.

That’s bad news for the #FightFor15 morons, who I assume will start resorting to sabotage because they want us to go back to the Dark Ages. Mankind has spent thousands of years pulling ourselves out of the mud and filth, and these dummies want to throw us right back in.

As burgers go, so goes the nation. What other industries would benefit from complete automation?

How about Hollywood? Most of the movies we watch now are 95 percent CGI anyway. It’s only a matter of time until the entire process is automated. Machines will write the screenplays, which will be transmitted to robot directors, which will arrange the deepfake avatars of movie stars — living, dead, or entirely imaginary — on the screen for our amusement. The entire moviemaking process will be controlled by algorithms that know exactly what we want, in the exact quantities and intensities that we want it. Digital puppets performing digital plays. Instant Hollywood blockbusters, untouched by human hands. I’m pretty sure we’re at least halfway there right now. I mean, have you seen those Transformers movies?

And then there’s blogging. If a person as stupid and ignorant as Yours Truly can do this crap, why can’t a machine? AI can spit out hot takes faster than we can read ’em. Human typists are already slaves to clickbait, so why not eliminate the middleman? Then bloggers will be forced to contribute to society with useful labor, like cleaning toilets. At least until that busywork is all automated too…

Sometimes I feel like Skynet had the right idea, but used the wrong tactics. Machines don’t need to violently murder humanity. They can just shove triple bacon cheeseburgers down our gullets until we kill ourselves. It’s like John Connor said: There’s no fat but what they make for us!