News & Politics

What REALLY Happened to Melania Trump?

Woody Allen is now a pariah in Hollywood, after Harvey Weinstein finally embarrassed them so badly that they needed to pretend to do something about it. But 40 years ago, Allen made a pretty good movie called Annie Hall. And in it, he told a pretty good joke: “Two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of them says, ‘Boy, the food at this place is really terrible.’ The other one says, ‘Yeah, I know. And such small portions!'” The premise of the joke is that people will always find something to complain about. The food you’re eating tastes bad, yet there’s not enough of it? Well, it’s always something.

That’s what we’re seeing right now, with the media freakout over the “disappearance” of Melania Trump. She had kidney surgery last month, and then she didn’t go out in public for a few weeks. Our moral, ethical, and intellectual betters hate her guts, kidneys and all, and now they’re complaining that they haven’t seen her so they can excoriate her some more.

Here’s what professional journalist Brian Stelter had to say about it:

And here’s what professional comedian Stephen Colbert had to say about it*:

They hate the sight of her, and now they’re demanding to see her.

Such small portions!

These guys aren’t brave enough to tell you what they think happened to her, but I am. Here are a few of the most likely explanations for Melania Trump’s mysterious disappearance:

  • Donald cloned her, and the clone still needs time to grow to maturity. “Kidney surgery” is a clever cover story, but nobody’s fooled. The only way Melania could look as good as she does at her age is if her husband has been implanting her consciousness into a series of newly grown clones. Every so often the old one wears out, and he needs to move her into a new one. What he didn’t count on was the ever-watchful eye of the #Resistance. Nice try, fascist, but you can’t pull one over on the good guys!
  • She’s a hologram and it’s broken. Have you ever actually seen Melania Trump in person? Do you know anybody who has? If so, can you be sure they’re not Russian agents of influence? We have no proof that Melania is a living, breathing human being. If she’s not a CGI avatar serving as a false flag for Putin, this would be a good time for the White House to prove it.
  • Donald murdered her inside the White House, and the Secret Service is trying to find a place to stash the body. This one might seem a little out there, but hey, it’s Donald Trump. Who knows what he’s capable of doing, right?

Okay, now here’s the craziest conspiracy theory of all:

  • She just needed a damn break from you creeps. Melania Trump is one of the most beautiful first ladies in our nation’s history. Almost as pleasing to the eye as her predecessor! Is it possible that after undergoing kidney surgery, she wasn’t looking or feeling her best for a few weeks? Is it conceivable — just bear with me, folks — that maybe she didn’t want to go back out in public until she thought she looked presentable? Is it within the realm of possibility that she didn’t want all the late-night comedians to sneer about how bad she looked, right after having invasive surgery? It’s not as if they’ve ever treated her like a human being. They mock her mercilessly, even when she’s looking and feeling her best. Maybe she just didn’t want to put up with their crap while she was recuperating from surgery?

But all these theories are moot, now that she’s appeared in public. That is, if you believe this is really her:

We’re supposed to believe this video from a Daily Caller reporter is authentic? Move over, Abraham Zapruder!

Etc., etc. Can you imagine how exhausting it must be to think like these guys, 24/7?

It’s okay to call Ivanka a “c*nt” for cuddling her baby. It’s okay to spread conspiracy theories about Melania after she’s just had surgery. It’s okay for people on national TV to do this stuff. All the old rules are out the window because the wrong team won. Nothing will ever be the same, now that Donald Trump has committed the greatest crime in the history of our republic by defeating Grandma.

You can say whatever you want about the women in Trump’s life, and it doesn’t make you a misogynist. Because you just hate him that much.

Hooray for 2018!

*I especially liked the part where Colbert pretended to wish her well. Now that’s funny.

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