News & Politics

Hillary Clinton: President of Women

(AP Photo/Jim Cole)

After Al Gore lost the 2000 election and ate all the food he could find, he had to figure out what to do next. He couldn’t get the United States to elect him, so he decided to elect himself president… of the Environment! Since then, Gore has spent his abundant free time scolding us all for destroying the planet. He won’t shut up about it. Then he flies around on private jets between his various mansions, but whatever. So what if he has the carbon footprint of a small country? He’s a ridiculous hypocrite, but it’s made him a multimillionaire and a favorite of our liberal betters. And most importantly, it distracts him from the fact that he will never, ever be president of the United States.

It looks like Hillary Clinton is dealing with her own heartbreaking presidential losses in a similar way, except she’s elected herself the President of Women. She has jumped into the #MeToo movement with both cankles.

Here she is, speaking on behalf of all women:

(Please note that you and I aren’t allowed to call activists “bitches.” That’s their word and we don’t get to use it. It’s like how you’re not supposed to call a woman a slut, especially when she’s at a slutwalk.)

This is very important, of course. But that’s just the beginning of Hillary’s tireless work on behalf of women everywhere. In other recent news, we learned about her strong support for one of her ex-employees:

The story in question concerns a man named Burns Strider, who was an adviser on Hillary’s 2008 presidential campaign. (That was the campaign where her loss to a man was okay, because he wasn’t a white man.) Strider was accused of sexually harassing a young female staffer, so Hillary reassigned the woman while keeping Strider on staff. It was the right thing to do, because Hillary Clinton was the one who did it.

If you disagree with that, if you think Hillary should have done something to help that woman and she should now apologize for not doing so, it means you hate women. Because Hillary is a woman. That’s how it works.

Hillary has spent her entire career in public life showing solidarity with her sisters. Just ask Juanita Broaddrick. Or Paula Jones. Or Kathleen Willey. Or Elizabeth Gracen. Or Gennifer Flowers. Or Dolly Kyle Browning. Or Monica Lewinsky. Or any of the other women whose lives have been changed forever by the Clintons. The list goes on and on. They’ll all tell you how much support Hillary has given them.

And no doubt those women were all cheering during the Grammys last night, when this happened:

Surprise! #YaasQueen #Slay

The ratings for the 2018 Grammys were down 24 percent from last year, even though Hillary showed up to brighten everyone’s night. How’s that for gratitude?

But Hillary has done a lot more for feminism than just showing up for hilarious cameos at awards shows. She has also backed women’s rights activists like Harvey Weinstein. She helped keep Weinstein in a position of power and influence for decades. Without her, would he have been able to change so many women’s lives?

I hope Hillary runs again in 2020. It’ll give her another chance to reinvent herself, and it’ll give the rest of us another chance to reject her. Plus, I never want the Democrats to win another election ever again.