For the three of you who don’t know this already, The Onion is a satirical newspaper. It is not “the paper.” The stories they publish are, you know, made up and stuff.
Sometimes they run bogus pieces that could just as easily be real. Area Man Confounded by Buffet Procedure, for example.
Same goes for this one from the last issue.
WICHITA, KS—Delivering the central speech of his 10-day “Solution For America” bus campaign tour Monday, Democratic presidential nominee Sen. John Kerry outlined his one-point plan for a better America: the removal of George W. Bush from the White House.
“If I am elected in November, no inner-city child will have to live in an America where George Bush is president,” Kerry said, addressing a packed Maize High School auditorium. “No senior citizen will lie awake at night, worrying about whether George Bush is still the chief executive of this country. And no American—regardless of gender, regardless of class, regardless of race—will be represented by George Bush in the world community.”
“This country has embraced a new and dangerously ineffective disregard for the world,” Kerry said. “In order to win the global war against terror, we must promote democracy, freedom, and opportunity around the world. My national-defense policy will be guided by one imperative: Don’t be George Bush. As will my plans to create a strong economy, protect civil rights, develop a better healthcare system, and improve homeland security.”
Heck, run it in Newsweek.