Today's 'No Kings' Army Is Full of Soldiers From... the Twilight Years

Kevin Downey Jr. | 8:53 PM on March 28, 2026
AP Photo/Olga Fedorova

If you woke up to the overwhelming stench of Ben Gay and cat urine, that can only mean one thing: your neighborhood has been invaded by a "No Kings" brigade, consisting largely of befuddled elderly people and salad-dodging, testiphobic broads whose hirsute armpit hairlines stretch to their upper lips.

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While President Donald Trump is busy toppling communist dictators around the world, America's suicidally socialist Left has once again called on its legions of street thugs to burn, riot, and loot, as they did six years ago for George Floyd. 

FACT-O-RAMA! In case you haven't heard yet, the documentary, The Fall of Minneapolis, asserts that Floyd died of a fentanyl overdose and nothing else. You can watch it HERE for free.

Fortunately for We the People, the meanies from Black Lives Matter (BLM) and their powderpuff non-binary siblings in Antifa have chosen to sit this one out, likely because so many are in prison for grifting from the BLM coffers, or because no one has paid them to run around all helter-skelter and steal Air Jordans, you know, in the name of "justice."

As a comedian, my first thought was to go to a "No Kings" rally and mock the septugenarian tsotsis and the celibate spinsters carrying professionally made signs, handed out by hundreds of non-governmental organizations (NGOs) that were funded with your tax dollars. I chose instead to stay home, pour a drink of patriotic bourbon, and write about their woefully inept attempts to affect change, and, as a filthy capitalist, make a few bucks at their expense.

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Besides, there was plenty of jollification to be had, like this:

Fortunately for the early bird crowd, some Proud Boys were on hand to help them when their geritol had faded. Proud Boys leader Enrique Tarrio posted this video:

I am starting to feel antiquated as well. I have spent the last 37 years traveling the world, bringing laughs the olde way, with a microphone. These wacky kids with their AI-generated humor are as foreign to me as an old-school VCR clock was to my grandfather, but damn, are they funny:

Mad bomb shouts to The Babylon Bee for doing what they do:

I believe the number of abortions will drop nationwide if Lefty broads continue to adopt such tonsorial tragedies as this:

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I am proud to say that my alcoholic, French-Canadian granny spent her twilight years baking cookies and sucking down highballs, not pretending that she was a frog ruled over by an imaginary king:

HIGHBALL-O-RAMA! My best memories of Mamie were watching her curse in French as we watched the Canadiens vs the Red Wings (I grew up in Detroit. I was and still am a Wings fan). I was granted the privilege of making her highballs when I was six years old. The recipe was simple: pour one shot of Kessler's whiskey into a fruit juice glass with one ice cube, top with Canadian Dry ginger ale.

Throwback Harlequinade!

Here is a supposed No Kings Rally from Oct. 18, 2025, in Ferndale, Mich. Little did these ninnyhammers know that 15 days later, on Halloween, ISIS-adoring animals from nearby Dearborn planned to shoot up gay bars in the same town. Trump's FBI, led by Kash Patel, stopped the Muslim terrorists from killing what could have been hundreds of gay men. Long live the "king."

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My personal standards forbid me from attending any rally that involves legendary communists like Jane Fonda and Joy Reid:

At the end of the day, I suspect the Operation Mockingbird media will ludicrously tell their lemmings that their latest No Kings corroboree was a success, though it appears to me that Trump is still their president.

The best news of the day for normal Americans is that this woman below is the best that the Marxists can come up with to rid our nation of the "monarchy" they fear:

No matter your age, you can help to maintain sanity and liberty without leaving your home.

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Be a warrior. Be an American. 

Kevin Downey Jr.

Kevin Downey Jr. is a comedian, columnist, and radio show host. When he isn't writing or performing, he is collecting surf records and practicing his mixologist skills at his tiki bar. His apartment—the Atomic Bunker—looks like it was furnished from George Jetson's garage sale. 

You can listen to KDJ clown-slap the commies every Monday-Friday, 9:00-11:00 am EST on the New World Order's Public Enemy #1 radio program, "The Kevin Downey, Jr. Show." Click here: www.LINEWSRADIO.com

Read more by Kevin Downey Jr.

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