6 Reasons the Wife and I Should've Skipped 50 Shades of Grey

So I went to 50 Shades of Grey yesterday. The Missus and I had noticed that it had caused quite a stir, and we wondered what all the fuss was about.

Well, that was a mistake of epic proportions. Why, you ask? How about this:

1. It’s advertised as a movie about hot and steamy sex, while the sex ends up being anything but…

The director apparently tried to soften the movie a bit so it wouldn’t, you know, be banned by the authorities. Great idea. The only problem? All the supposedly hot and steamy sex scenes start and end with foreplay.

2. Clichés, clichés, clichés

Supposedly hot, mean rich man seduces innocent, naive poor girl. Angelic sweet girl has a promiscuous (and hot) roommate. Really? That’s the best storyline you could come up with?

3. Female lead character Anastasia is a virgin but acts like a sex addict

She says that she kept all men at bay during her life, but has no problem losing her virginity to some guy she just met. What’s more, the scene in which she becomes a woman, so to speak, is completely ridiculous: there is no discomfort, no pain, no nothing. She pushes up her legs and let’s him have a go at it. Bye, bye, sweet innocence.

4. The lines come straight out of a bad German porn movie

You know, the ones from the ’80s? “Oh ja, das ist geil” is the equivalent of “I don’t make love, I f***.” Who actually says that? Another example: “Some people say I don’t have a heart.” “Why do they say that?” “They know me.” Ugh. Please, give me a gun so I can shoot myself.

5. The movie ends in horrible physical abuse

Just when you think it may become somewhat romantic, Christian suddenly abuses Anastasia in a scene that left my wife traumatized. Hey, Mr. Director, we’re paying for a good movie, not for PTSD!

6. Male lead character Christian isn’t a womanizer, but a psychopath

If you’re a woman who’s attracted to Christian, please go visit a shrink. The guy is a rapist in disguise, a violent psychopath to the core. If that turns you on, you’ve got serious psychological issues.

In short, whatever else you do, don’t take your wife to watch this movie. Unless, of course, you and the Missus enjoy a serious psychological trauma every now and then. In that case, you’re good to go.