7 Laws for Public Decency When I Rule the World

Last week John Hawkins wrote about 5 Behaviors That Make You Trash. Right on! I’d like to go a few steps further and expand on the subject of public decency. There was a time in this country where public decency laws were actually enforced. It’s time to bring that back. The consequences for committing any of the following crimes in my world would result in hard labor in Sheriff Arpaio’s tent city.


7. Bike shorts are not interchangeable with actual shorts.

As if it’s not bad enough to wear bike shorts to the grocery store, this guy’s spandex had a hole the size of a CD on his left inner thigh. He didn’t notice that there was a breeze around the man-meat? Or notice the chaffing when he pedaled his bike around town? Really? I assure you that hole in the thigh area was at least 4 inches in diameter. I tried multiple times to get a better shot but was a little afraid I’d get caught. If you look closely, you’ll see skin on the left upper thigh peeking out. We all hope it’s just leg skin.

Bike shorts are the equivalent of a Speedo at the beach. Most people don’t want to see the contours of the male form hugged tightly by spandex while they’re buying eggs (or at any other time).

6. Muffin-tops belong on muffins

There’s nothing more appetizing than a muffin-top in your face, right? It’s true that many eating establishments have bad outfits they force waitresses to wear, but is there a law against buying the right size short-shorts so your belly doesn’t hang over the waistband? What about a longer shirt? Who started this craze? Ladies, here’s a clue. Muffin-tops are not attractive. I have one, most anyone who has had a baby has one, but please, let’s cover that up in public, mmm-kay? This poor girl is actually quite attractive from behind until your eye hits the excess flesh spilling over the shorts. This is why God created Spanx. Buy some.


5. Don’t bring your penis into the ladies’ room.

In case the huge feet squeezing out of the platform hooker-shoes wasn’t enough to tip you off, I can assure you that is a man in the ladies’ room. Since we live in a time when boys might be dressed up as girls and need to use a restroom, we really should come up with some ground rules. Here’s mine that I’m ready to fight for.


This isn’t a gay/straight issue. I welcome all lesbians to my bathroom and even post-operative transsexuals. Everyone who must sit to pee is welcome, but if you have a penis, you cannot come in. In fact, I vote for changing the signs on bathrooms from a man and a girl in a dress to cartoons of genitals instead. That way there can be no confusion.

Penises are threatening in a ladies’ room! Women are in varying states of undress in there. The loo is the sanctuary where we fix unruly bras, hike up pantyhose, and straighten our Spanx. There is a strict no one-eyed-willy policy. It doesn’t matter whether your penis doesn’t like girls, that body part simply is not wanted in the loo. Not only are men a possible menace, but the way men use the bathroom is frightening. Sorry fellas, you’re gross. We gals don’t read or stew in the stall. We get in and get out as quickly as possible. No woman alive would choose to share a bathroom with a man if she didn’t have to. Further, how is one to tell if a guy in a dress isn’t just a perv who dressed up like that specifically for the opportunity to be a Peeping Tom? Not acceptable.


I’m all for having a third option like a unisex bathroom for this type of scenario. I’m sure a transgendered person would be uncomfortable using the men’s room, but the women in the womens’ room have rights too. We say, no penises allowed — unless you are accompanied by your mother and are under 6.

4. No butt cheeks please

This next photo is not a commentary on the overweight. I’ve been on a diet for a decade. However, this is the kind of outfit that only 16-year-old track runners should wear and even then, most of us would appreciate a cover-up. What is it coming to when people feel comfortable going to Walmart in what appears to be underwear? This lady actually has a decent shape but, who could tell with all that skin glaring at you? A full skirt would make her appear more hourglass and less…baby-got-back.

A good rule of thumb in the dressing room is the following: if any part of your butt cheek is peeking out of your shorts, go at least two sizes larger and then cut the tags out if they offend you. I’ve given up shorts entirely for this summer because none of them are long enough. Short-shorts are for prepubescent teens with Daddy issues, not fully grown women with teens of their own. Skirts are far more attractive and also cooler. This woman is simply begging for a very uncomfortable heat rash. Further, the company who made those shorts in that size should be sued for assault. That poor woman’s backside is being squeezed in ways that should not be legal.


It is lovely to accept yourself the way you are, but that simply doesn’t mean let it all hang out. Respecting yourself does not include allowing yourself to become the topic of sniggering and finger-pointing simply because you couldn’t bother to cover up what used to be “private parts.”
3. If you must have a tattoo, think first and ixnay on the PDA

Haven’t we come to the end of the tattooed generation yet? Apparently not. There are a few things worse than seeing a woman with a huge, nasty tattoo scrawled across her back. Seeing said woman’s boyfriend gripping her undercarriage in public is one of them.

Admittedly, this was taken in a bar that had live rodeo riding (actual bulls and cowboys), so maybe that’s the sort of thing one should expect in such a place. But “ewwwww.” Upon closer inspection, this gal’s tattoo turned out to be the ugliest known to mankind.

Warning: You may need to douse your eyeballs in Clorox after viewing this. Here she is in all her glory, the armless patron saint of people who need nose jobs.

If one must have a tattoo, and I realize some of you feel very strongly about this, please put it somewhere that will not ruin formal-wear forever or assault the eyes of the viewing public. Have some common sense. When getting a tattoo, imagine how it will look in your wedding dress (or on sagging and wrinkly skin when you are 80). It’s also helpful to consider the cost of removing the tattoo should you ever grow tired of it. The smaller the better.


2. If you can wear it on a pole, don’t.

Imagine my chagrin when I wandered into Walmart and was confronted by this spectacle. Yes, that’s a lace corset and some garment that may be made of tissue paper barely covering that poor woman’s backside. But my favorite part of the ensemble has got to be those shoes. Nothing says lunchtime at Walmart like a pair of floral, sky-scraping hooker-heels.

Upon close inspection, that’s a champagne bottle in her cart which completes the entire look. This outfit is too special for a pedestrian egg and milk run. The only thing that explains it is copious amounts of alcohol — or perhaps a drug habit. Nice gams, though. Too bad what’s attached has so little ability to get dressed in the morning.

1. Pajama bottoms are not the same thing as pants.

It seems, by the amount of pajama bottoms seen out in public, that it is entirely too much to ask for people to put on actual pants. With the invention of Jeggings, I would have thought this problem solved, but as this photo sadly proves, pajamas in public are here to stay.

It isn’t so much that this is offensive, but there’s a tangible lack of respect for oneself and one’s neighbor shown by rolling out of bed and into the grocery store without care or thought that you are wearing giant, multi-colored polka dots on your caboose. This is generally reserved for toddlers and rodeo clowns. I admit to tossing the Frisbee to the dog in the yard wearing something similar (with miniature schnauzers peppered on my backside) and will even grab the paper or sit on the front porch lounging in my sleepwear, but people I know shop at Walmart. People like my children’s preschool teachers, neighbors, church ladies, and even my pastor. Giant yellow ducks all over your trunk is probably not the visual memory you want to leave with leaders of your community.

And for the teens out there who started this trend, it looks stupid on you too. If pants are just too difficult to configure, there are plenty of other options that are not pajamas.


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