Columbia Law Students Are Too 'Shaken' to Pass Their Exams. Iran Offers to Help.

Once upon a time, long ago, there was a reasonable assumption that colleges would prepare students for adulthood. As odd as it may seem, graduates were expected to depart the hallowed halls of learning with the necessary tools to function in society, especially when it came to graduate students. 

I'll give you a minute to stop laughing. 

The students at Columbia Law School have been so traumatized by the recent arrests on campus that they have been "irrevocably shaken." In fact, they are so shaken that they cannot possibly pass their exams and want to automatically be given passing grades. The Post Millennial notes that they have officially petitioned the school for lenience due to their trauma.

NEWS — The Columbia Law Review admin board of student editors is now asking the law school to cancel exams and give students passing grades because they are “irrevocably shaken” and “unable to focus and highly emotional during this tumultuous time.” pic.twitter.com/WZoREompRe

— Aishah Hasnie (@aishahhasnie) May 2, 2024

I don't think these students know what the word "irrevocably" means. That is hardly surprising, given the state of higher education today. If they are "irrevocably shaken" to the point that they cannot pass their exams, then they are so shaken that they cannot practice law — or possibly feed or dress themselves.

The fact that the majority of the protesters were arrested were not students but outside agitators makes the statement, "Many are unwell at this time and cannot study or concentrate while their peers are being hauled to jail," especially ludicrous.

Iran to the rescue.

Those few students who find themselves expelled because of their anti-Israel activities may be able to continue their studies in Iran at Shiraz University. The Washington Examiner reports that Mohammad Moazzeni, the head of the university, told Iranian state-owned Press TV, “Students and even professors who have been expelled or threatened with expulsion can continue their studies at Shiraz University, and I think that other universities in Shiraz, as well as Fars province, are also prepared,” Foad Izadi, a professor at the University of Tehran, commented, “These [American students] are our people.” I'm sure they are.

I suspect that the offer is purely performative. And even if it is legit, the hothouse orchids of American higher education would likely be presented with some sort of Iranian version of a Potemkin village during their collegiate experience. 

But I have to admit that a group of American university students plunked down in Iran, complete with pronouns, piercings, rainbow flags, and technicolor hair would make for one interesting reality show. If these kids think they live under the threat of an oppressive theocracy now, wait until they finish a semester abroad in Iran. It kind of gives "getting voted off the island" a whole new twist, doesn't it?  

Here is an example of the requests made by the protesters at UCLA:

NEW: @FoxNews has obtained a Google Doc w/ a list of needs that protesters at the UCLA camp are requesting, including:
- Vegan & gluten free food
- “Super bright” flashlights w/ strobe
- Rope & zip ties
- Helmets, shields, & wood
- Lotion, “NO sunscreen”
- Knee & elbow pads pic.twitter.com/XUL6ZbtoLy

— Bill Melugin (@BillMelugin_) May 1, 2024

If you click on the list, you will see that bagels, bananas, coffee, and nuts are all forbidden. Protesters at the University of Chicago have included birth control products on their list and have requested dental dams and Plan B pills. The struggle is real.

These people would last all of 15 minutes in downtown Tehran. The Vegas sportsbooks would have a field day with that exchange program. It might be enough to get me to hook my satellite dish up again.