Sony and Mattel Would Be Crazy to Cast Amy Schumer as Barbie [Updated]

See below for breaking news on this story. 

Back in December articles were circulating about Amy Schumer being tapped to play the iconic Barbie in an upcoming movie. Outrage predictably ensued from all the conservative circles, mostly focused on how she's "too fat and ugly" to play Barbie. I disagreed. She may not be the most attractive girl we've ever seen, but Hollywood can do amazing things with makeup, wardrobe, and personal trainers. I feel certain they could turn her into a passable Barbie. There is no way Mattel would allow her to play the part looking anything less than fabulous, and the wizards in that world can make even Oprah look great so....just sayin'. And so I let it go, because frankly, it makes me uncomfortable to hear conservative men ragging on some girl for the way she looks. I get it, she's not Cindy Crawford, but who is? (And does your mother appreciate you talking about women's bodies like that?) There are plenty of reasons to dislike Amy Schumer, and the way she looks isn't one of them.

But something happened recently that changed my mind on the Barbie controversy. For sure, Amy Schumer can NEVER play Barbie. She shouldn't even be Skipper. In fact, can we ban her from all children's movies forever? Schumer's new "comedy," "Amy Schumer: The Leather Special," came out on Netflix and solidified once and for all that she should be kept as far away from children as possible. I give a pretty wide berth to comedians to be vulgar and make inappropriate jokes because there is humor in almost anything. I'm a supporter of free speech and if someone's comedy is too raunchy or not funny to me, I just don't watch it. But Schumer's special was getting some majorly negative reviews, for which she blamed the alt-right and "nazis," which turned out to be the funniest thing about her show, and I had to know why. So I watched it.

I am not exaggerating when I say that the entire hour-long show was one long vagina joke. There was one part toward the end where she yelled at people about guns, but that bombed, so she went right back to bestiality. She has zero comedic skills. I tried to find anything amusing, I really tried. I can laugh at a good vagina joke (just ask my best friend...she's got a crude side and I always find her hilarious) but not only could I not laugh at any of Schumer's "jokes," but the only reaction I could give was cringing and groaning with discomfort.

It all began with the "my vagina smells like a small barnyard animal on its best day" announcement. This is not what people mean when they say they enjoy self-deprecating humor. It sped downhill at warp speed from there. Most of it isn't repeatable, but I suffered through the whole thing to make sure I didn't miss some glimmer of talent. I didn't. Can you imagine Mattel looking for a girl to play the iconic, chic, classy, ladylike Barbie, and choosing the middle-aged, admitted alcoholic slut who stands on stage pantomiming how big her vagina is and how hard it is to clean?

This "comedy" was so bad, politics aside, she should be ashamed to call herself a comedienne. If you don't believe me, just watch it.

UPDATE Thursday, 12:31 p.m.: I tweeted this story to Sony and Mattel and urged others to do the same:

By 3:00 p.m. Variety had reported that Amy Schumer has dropped out of Barbie due to a "scheduling conflict." It looks like Mattel's careful branding still matters and an American icon isn't going to be ruined by Amy Schumer.