Somali Government Plans to Stimulate Economy by Burning Down Remaining Unburnt Villages
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It’s no secret that Somalia is one of the world’s most desperate economies. After years of tribal warfare, mass looting, and a lack of any rule of law, Somalia’s unemployment rate is no one has any f**king clue because it’s a mess over there, but it’s close to 100%. And the only reason it isn’t 100% is because piracy is a thriving industry employing thousands.
Sadly, the people in Somalia are once again starving on a mass scale. But the benevolent regime now in charge of the Southeast corner of the country, for the next week or so at least, plans to do something about it. “America is most successful country. We want life like America. So, we read in New York Times, destroy buildings and create gold, so, we do that.” Says self styled General Abe Bebe Koosh.
There is optimism in the air for the first time in a decade in that part of the country. The new regime is the first in a long line to look without, to try to learn from other countries in the world, and apply what’s working. After reading the New York Times, the worlds most respectable and intelligent newspaper, they plan to cause a little destruction to stimulate the economy. The theory is, though many villages have been burned in the past those measures didn’t go far enough. If they burn down the remaining unburnt villages, they believe they will finally have the riches and prosperity they desire and no one will go hungry.
“Some villages have been untouched in all our troubles. That could be what is causing de poverty. If we burn remaining unburnt villages, it will force people to build anew, which will force them to hire grass cutters and mud brick makers who will then have gold to spend. If we take all their remaining food, that will make work for hunters and gatherers, who will also then have gold to spend. From there it is snowball.” Says General Koosh. “I will tell you truth, some in my Parliament say it won’t work, that I should instead try to promote business…by stopping the looting and the taxing, and, maybe, property ownership or something like that. But no! New York Times is clear. It is not d’businessmen who cause gold to be made, it is consumers.”
The plan is daring and risky. The trick is for the Somali citizen to work hard very quickly to collect more food before they die of starvation. If they can manage to do that the plan might just work, causing a spike of full employment.
There was no comment from the President of Somalia, Islamic cleric Sharif Sheikh Ahmed. It is widely known that Ahmed does not control every corner of Somalia. But it remains to be seen if General Koosh’s plan works, whether Sharif Sheikh Ahmed will follow suit in the areas he controls. A source close to the President, who requested to remain anonymous, told this reporter that he believed Ahmed has already implemented a similar plan.
Disclaimer: This is satire. All interviews, speculations, quotes, and exclamations were obtained in the 4th dimension, in the world of what might have been. It is not to be regarded as a reflection of what any actual, 1st dimension, i.e., reality right now, people or persons said in real life, for real. In other words, it’s all fake.
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