President Obama, After Reading AttackWatch.com Submissions, Realizes He Actually Does Suck
Obama campaign strategists miscalculated when they created an encyclopedia of Obama's shortcomings.
September 25, 2011 - 12:00 am
This month, amid much controversy, Team Obama launched AttackWatch.com, a new website ostensibly designed to compile and refute all arguments against President Obama’s policies and actions in preparation for the 2012 campaign. Little did they know that instead of helping to launch campaigns against Obama’s critics, provide counter-arguments for statists, and generally support the president, the site would backfire, and Obama himself would realize he actually does suck.
“After reading all the complaints about me, compiled all together like that, I realized, I am a s**tty president after all,” said Obama. “The logic of the arguments, the reasoning, were just too plain-as-the-nose-on-my-face to ignore.” Obama went on to remark, “I had no idea I sucked so bad. That’s why I just kept doing the same stuff! I thought socialism was working. Everybody was saying it was working.”
AttackWatch.com submissions include criticisms of the president’s foreign policy of appeasement, the high unemployment rate, ObamaCare, inflation, the long, drawn-out recession, the anti-business nature of his administration, the nationalization of business, the crony capitalism, and much, much, much, much, much, much, much more.
Political pundits across the nation are calling it a severely damaging miscalculation by campaign strategists to provide a giant collage of arguments against Obama, and especially, to let him see it. An MSNBC reporter stated anonymously today, “The problem is, the voices against Obama are unfortunately based on the facts of reality. They use sound logic and reason when they decry the president’s policies, actions, and even his core ideology. I had to stop reading it. It’s incredibly hard to evade reality when you’re reading that site. Even for us journalists.”
Top White House aides are reportedly scrambling to convince the president that he is mistaken and that he’s actually a good president. White House insiders say AttackWatch.com has been blocked on his computer and BlackBerry, as well as all conservative blogs and the Ayn Rand Institute web site. Further, he has been sequestered by his advisors in what is being called a “re-programming” effort. To quote one insider, “They have taken the president into a room with all his friends and advisors, and several members of the press, and they are all just repeating over and over to him how good he is and how he’s a great president. Once in a while they all just clap, you know, give him a spontaneous standing ovation. Everybody loves a standing O’! They’re telling him he is on the right track, that all this trouble is the fault of capitalism, Bush, the Tea Party, or Vladamir Putin. (No one likes that guy.) It’s dicey, but they think they can bring him back around.”
It remains to be seen what sort of president will emerge from the re-programming. Will we get another speech saying that we should tax the wealthy and spend it on construction jobs or will we get a decidedly different, humbled president, who looks back on his first few years in office with a shudder? No one can yet say.
When asked to comment on these developments, Republican front-runner Rick Perry said glibly, “I would never, ever allow all the solid arguments against my ideas and actions to be put in one place where anyone, including, or dare I say especially, me, could see them. That he did allow that just shows how Obama is not fit to lead this country. What a dummy!”
Disclaimer: This is satire. All interviews, speculations, quotes, and exclamations were obtained in the 4th dimension, in the world of what might have been. It is not to be regarded as a reflection of what any actual, 1st dimension, i.e., reality right now, people or persons said in real life, for real. In other words, it’s all fake.
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