KDJ's Somewhat Late, Bourbon-Inspired Predictions for 2024

Sorry for the delay. I meant to get this out sooner but I've been a busy comedy goose, spewing yuk-yuks throughout Michigan, Long Island, and the Poconos in the first days of 2024.

Not to sound overly dramatic, but I believe 2024 is the final battle. If we don't vote out the commies in November, I suggest you learn to enjoy the taste of Grasshopper Helper as Klaus Schwab and his tatterdemalion myrmidons (Scrabble score-34!) scarf our bone-in ribeyes.

I, however, will be in Gulag 10号 fighting your lavender-haired simper-in-law for the last moldy beet of the weekend. Those silly Antifa gals don't realize that tyrants have a history of dumping their street goons once their conquest is complete.

Here they are, my lovely predictions! But first, a reminder:

FACT-O-RAMA! I am not suicidal, and my brakes work wonderfully!

1. Biden will bail after the Democratic National Convention and won't run for another term.

Gropey Joe will find a health-related reason to step down. Possible medical excuses will include the inability to stop soiling himself. Yes, he will pardon his crackhead progeny on the way out.

The DNC will then pick someone new. Not Kamala; she will be promised a spot on the Supreme Court. Look for Gov. "Stretchin'" Gretchen Whitmer (D-Mich.) and/or that lizard boy Gavin Newsom (D-Calif.).

If Biden does not step down, war is a possibility. The leftists know a president has never lost an election during wartime. Hell, we are almost at war anyway. Also, that pesky military-industrial complex wants their cabbage. Everyone wins except for the American boys burning in tanks in eastern Ukraine, Iran, and Taiwan. I hope they aren't your sons.

In an effort to "preserve democracy," Biden may cancel the 2024 elections until the war is over like Volodymyr Zelenskyy canceled the election in Ukraine.

2. There will be an attempt on Trump's life. Many more if he wins.

Expect a "lone wolf," Lee Harvey Oswald-type (who, BTW, totally wasn't helped by the CIA — wink, wink), perhaps a "rogue" Secret Service guy.

FACT-O-RAMA! RFK Jr. has publicly stated his father's autopsy report shows his dad was shot from behind. His alleged killer, Sirhan Sirhan, was in front of him when he fired his gun. He stated that, though he can not prove the CIA killed his father, there is a bucket of evidence suggesting they did.

Trump is an existential threat to the Deep State. He will turn over the rocks under which the wigglers hide and provide the enema our Republic desperately needs to survive. The globalists will do anything they can to keep that from happening.

3. I will not lose the 15 pounds I claim I will.

4. The Democrats will cheat in 2024.

I can not over-emphasize what the Democrats will do to keep their Stalin snowball rolling across our liberties. They spent the last three years demonizing anyone who dared to question the ability of career political Joe Biden's ability to garner 81 million votes after campaigning from his basement. This wasn't just to keep us quiet about the 2020 elections; it was to shut us up forever.

5. If the Dems cheat, America will protest as we never have.

If you thought patriots throwing tea into Boston Harbor was a hootenanny, wait until you see what happens when We the People have another election stolen — allegedly. The DOJ sees this and has recently declared they are about to arrest J6 protesters who merely walked on the Capitol lawn. This is to scare you into staying home and obeisantly surrendering your liberties like a good little cuck. And for those who peacefully take to the streets, bring #MaskUp because...

6. Peacefully protesting conservatives who have "backed the blue" for years will taste police-grade pepper spray.

We have seen videos of Australian Rambo-wannabe police choking kids and pepper-blasting an elderly woman — on the ground — who dared stand up for themselves. These tyrannical attacks on peaceful, unarmed people are nothing compared to what lies ahead for those who appreciate the Constitution. And here's the fun part: people who consider themselves "tolerant" will cheer as we are clubbed into goo.

Check out this tweet for a reminder of what they think of us:

Just two years ago, 30% of Democrats believed that children should be taken away from unvaccinated parents.

Nearly 50% of Democrats believed that the unvaccinated should be sent to camps.

These are not tolerant, kind people.

This is what a totalitarian ideology looks like. pic.twitter.com/W8eGNsO6BJ
— Kevin Bass PhD MS (@kevinnbass) January 11, 2024

Patriots can expect to feel the business end of cops' batons. The police who have sworn allegiance to the Constitution will beat the potato salad out of you and me to keep that paycheck and pension in focus.

7. If Trump wins, the real street violence will begin.

If Trump somehow manages to beat the "allegedly" cheating Dems, Antifa will burn the joint down again, and the Democrats will let them. We saw the Antifa gals torch American cities and injure 2,200 cops with near impunity to the tune of over $1 billion in damages. Personally, I'll take lefty aggression over a lifetime of pinkoism. Hopefully this time, the cops will be allowed to defend themselves.

This year is more than historic. If the good guys lose, I'll rot in COVID Camp Hochul. The history books will honor Gropey Joe as the "hero" who squashed MAGA. They'll tear down Mount Rushmore and carve Obama, Biden, and the next two apparatchik presidents after them into our once-sacred mountainside.

For those of you who would like to know just how mystically accurate my previous predictions are, check out this 2022 article where I got almost everything wrong:

See you in the gulag! Save me a bite of beet.

—KDJ