Get Ready for a Real 'Chicago Way' Olympics (Updated)

The economy is floundering. Terrorists still threaten us, and Iran continues on its path toward obtaining nuclear weapons. Afghanistan stands on the brink, and the war could be lost if we lose our resolve. Thus, we know what is foremost on President Obama’s mind: the Olympics!


That’s right. Obama is determined to help get the Olympics for Chicago. We Chicagoans got him to be senator and then president, so he pretty much owes us. And with Obama’s influence — foreigners love the guy — Chicago should be a lock, so we might as well start planning now. I’m excited; Chicago is a great place for the Olympics, as the city is known for fair play. In fact, under the city’s influence, this should be the fairest Olympics ever, where it won’t just be open to an elite set of athletes who trained all their lives. Instead, it will be open to anyone of any physical ability who happens to have the right connections and enough money.

I already talked to Tony Rezko, and he has some great deals lined up for us on properties where we could build the stadium. All he wants is for his son to win a silver medal in one of the events; he doesn’t even care which. It’s a steal, really. So as soon as we have the go-ahead, we’ll talk to the unions and get things started.

Now, Chicago could be a bit of a culture shock for some of you from foreign countries. If you’re from some violent, third-world dictatorship that holds show elections where the result is predetermined, then it will actually be pretty similar. Anyway, we will set everyone up with some pamphlets on how to avoid getting stabbed and whom not to make eye contact with. We’re all friends here, though, so if you see a crime being committed in the city, keep it to yourself. We don’t like squealers. That’s one of the ways you get stabbed.


Unfortunately, we’re going to have to get rid of all the target shooting competitions. Guns aren’t allowed in Chicago. I know the Supreme Court has ruled that you can’t ban guns, but I’m pretty sure most of the Constitution doesn’t actually apply to Chicago. At least we all operate under that assumption. Plus we keep guns out of here for a good reason: When people start bringing them in, it makes the criminal element nervous. They’re a constituency, too, and we look out for them here. In fact, we have perhaps the highest percentage of legislators who are convicted felons.

For the other competitions, we can set those up however people want them. Like maybe some competitors don’t like their hurdles so high. For certain donations to certain individuals, we can set those lower for you. In weight lifting, maybe those weights don’t have to be as heavy as advertised. Let’s just say it pays to make friends in Chicago, and the best people to introduce you are dead U.S. presidents.

By the way, we’re going to need to have a discussion on how we’ll pick judges. Now, we know that the Olympic competitions usually have judges from around the world, so we won’t just stack the judges with the Chicago elite. We’ll leave half open to the rest of the world, so you might as well prepare your bids now. If you’ve never been a judge before, don’t worry; we’ll make it simple. You’ll have a list of names and which score to give them. Also, if some of the votes in the competition come from dead judges, don’t worry; that’s normal here.


I know some of you are worried about there being mob influence in the Chicago Olympics, but there is no reason for that, because there is no such thing as the mafia. That’s just made up by the media. So shut up about it. I’m serious. But if perchance you hear that one of the competitors is a mob favorite, and you think you see him using performance enhancing drugs,  don’t say anything to anyone! Getting into business that doesn’t concern you is how you end up going back to your home country in a pine box. Capisce?

Anyway, it’s going to be some great competition for those medals that haven’t already been allotted to appease certain constituencies (hopefully a lot of them will settle for bronze). I even expect we’ll see some world records set in the marathon when you add in the very real threat of being shot. Really, a Chicago Olympics should be great fun, and I think everyone should come out of it relatively unscathed, as long as everyone learns to keep their heads down and be quiet. So we’re counting on you to deliver this one to us, Obama. You owe us. Big time. We have plenty of dirt on you, Mr. Big Shot, so don’t think you can screw us on this, you bastard!


Good luck in Copenhagen.


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