War is Peace, Freedom is Slavery, The Stimulus is a Narcotic

Still though, an economist quoted by James Taranto in his latest Best of the Web column may be on to something, when he explains “precisely how the president’s speeches stimulate the economy and, in fact, create jobs:”

In an item yesterday, “Lather, Rinse, Re-Elect,” you disparage President Obama’s speechifying as an employment creator. As a card-carrying economist (Visa), allow me to explain precisely how the president’s speeches stimulate the economy and, in fact, create jobs.

First, in preparation for the speech, journalists like you, who are required to listen to presidential speeches, will need to fortify yourselves with copious amounts of coffee and nicotine. Hence, off to the Starbuck’s closest to the Journal offices for a venti-quadra-latte, infused with No-Doz. This will cause the demand for coffee to increase, raising prices, and encouraging new coffee plantations, etc., as well as increase the demand for beleaguered baristas. A quick stop at the local smoke shop for a cigar, creating employment for a poor Cuban, and it’s back to your office.

Second, during the speech, as you attempt, despite the caffeine infusion, to stay awake, the banalities and economic idiocy spewed by the president will cause you to begin shaking violently and banging your head on your desk. In fact, the head banging will result in a large gash on your forehead, requiring a trip to the Journal’s nearest first aid station for Band-Aids and aspirin. As a result, the demand for Band-Aids and aspirin will increase, again creating new jobs. If your head banging requires stitches at the nearest emergency room or urgent care center, even more jobs will be created.

Finally, after you compose an editorial about the speech, you head home, desperate for a double–OK, triple–scotch. Finding little left in the bottle, you’re off to the nearby liquor store and–well, you get the idea.

Using a detailed input-output model, we can derive the Obama jobs-speech multiplier. It is 2,468.2 jobs per minute of speech. As I expect the president to speak for one hour, he will single-handedly create over 140,000 jobs.

Oh, if you pay for the coffee and the scotch with food stamps, the multiplier doubles.

BRB — I need to make a Bev-Mo run. And if enough people took it upon themselves to also see that as their patriotic duty,  we could finally begin to stimulate California’s moribund economy.

Actually, come to think of it, if alcohol and beef jerky are the true multipliers of the Oba-economy, I’m pretty sure this soon-to-arrive Californian (language alert for F-bombs galore) will restore the lustre to once-Golden State singlehandedly.