Ed Driscoll

It's a Jungle Out There

“Homophobic Environmentalists Want to Stop Gay Birds,” Greg Gutfeld warns us, as only he can:

So according to scientists, pollution is turning birds gay. Yep, increased exposure to mercury (a bad chemical, apparently) can steer the sexual preference of some birds toward their own sex. The birds studied – male white ibises – tend to pair with other male ibises after nibbling mercury found in the environment.

The researcher’s conclusion: That while this doesn’t mean mercury can make humans gay, there are enough reasons “why cleaning up the environment for birds also reduces risk for humans.”

So let me get this straight (no pun): are the researchers suggesting that if we don’t clean up the environment, birds will turn gay? If so, this implies that preventing gay birds is an incentive to going green.

Now, isn’t this homophobic? I mean, who’s to say gay birds are any less valuable than straight ones? If anything, having gay birds around can only mean one thing: fabulous nests. And that can only drive up real estate prices in your neighborhood.

Elsewhere in Mutual of SoHo’s Wild Kingdom, “Why incest among animals cuts male sexual aggression.”

In Love and Death, one of his quintessential earlier, funnier movies, Woody Allen famously opined, “To me, nature is spiders and bugs and big fish eating little fish. And plants eating plants and animals eating…It’s like an enormous restaurant.”

I can see that. However, I’m not sure how much I want to know about what the animals are doing with each other after dinner.

Oh, and speaking of Woody and restaurants, this news will have him mourning for weeks.

To me, nature is... I dunno,
spiders and bugs and,

big fish eating little fish.

And plants eating plants
and animals eating...

It's like an enormous restaurant.