Ed Driscoll

Hail To The Victors

Iowahawk intercepts President Obama’s “Special Message to the People of Iran”:

To clarify, my only real concern is over sportsmanship. In democracies like ours elections can sometimes be difficult and messy. “Politics ain’t beanbag,” as we also say over here. As I learned on the basketball courts and ward precincts of Chicago, the birthplace of modern Democracy, a hard fought game sometimes involves a little trash talk, an occasional sharp elbow, or a mysteriously malfunctioning scoreboard. But this doesn’t mean we always have to resort to flagrant fouls, or angrily shooting our opponent in the parking lot, just because he showboated after a layup. Let’s all remember the lesson of Ron Artest — charging into the stands and savagely beating a heckler might feel good at first, but in the end it just might mean losing that big shoe contract with Nike.

And so I encourage both sides in this exciting contest to “keep it cool,” and “play within yourself.” Whether you are a “shirt” or a “skin,” let’s all respect the game. Are you a member of the Revolutionary Guards who just laid out a student demonstrator with a vicious, bone-jarring hit? Instead of taunting him, offer your hand to help him back to his feet. This will be a polite sign of mutual competitive respect before your next vicious, bone-jarring hit. Are you the student demonstrator? After collecting your teeth, congratulate the Guard on his his awesome hit. This will let the Guard know that you are a good sport, and committed to continue your dialogue without preconditions. At the end of the day, we need to leave our differences on the court and start focusing on the dangerous enemy who threatens all of us: Dick Cheney.

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