Professor Bainbridge writes, “Not that there’s anything wrong with Southerners, per se, of course. But maybe it’s time to let a Yankee city boy have a chance” at the White House:
In fact, as long as we’re on the subject of useless Presidential criteria, here’s some more things I’d like to see in the next President:
Knows which wine to match with the foie gras-stuffed quail being served at a state dinner
Won’t wink at the Queen
Doesn’t hunt, fish, or go with girls who do
Smokes cigars
Is sometimes accused of having a metrosexual streak
Only drinks beer with foods that would score at least 10,000 on the Scoville scale
Can credibly debate the relative claims of The Matrix, Star Wars, Bladerunner, and Star Trek II to be the greatest science fiction movie of all time
Can credibly debate the relative claims of The Who and Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band to be the world’s greatest rock and roll band
Came from a state that didn’t secede
Can recite at least one Monty Python skit from memory
Can credibly debate the relative claims of Blazing Saddles, The Producers, and Young Frankenstein to be Mel Brook’s best movie, while explaining why Spaceballs is a candidate for the worst movie ever
Has never sat through an entire Woody Allen movie, an entire Nascar race, or an entire Dixie Chicks concert
Wouldn’t camp out 5 days to get Garth Brooks tickets even if s/he was camping at the time
Went to Germany on vacation because s/he couldn’t find a highway with high enough speed limits in the US
Prefers football to basketball to baseball to soccer
Doesn’t play golf
Doesn’t bowl
Has no kids to foist subsequent generations of politicians on us
Has a spouse with no political ambitions
Lives with at least one golden retriever
Why yes, that does describe someone remarkably like your humble narrator–and thank you for noticing. The primary exceptions being my retriever passed away a few years ago, I’ve seen more Woody Allen films than I care to admit these days, and I’ve never been to Germany. On the other hand, I have written extensively about its best-known modernist architect, and I’ve seen every episode of Hogan’s Heroes.
However, I would like to categorically state that I shall not seek, and I will not accept the nomination of my party as your next president.
And I’m glad we cleared that up!
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