Ed Driscoll

Just In Case You're Wondering

Professor Bainbridge writes, “Not that there’s anything wrong with Southerners, per se, of course. But maybe it’s time to let a Yankee city boy have a chance” at the White House:

In fact, as long as we’re on the subject of useless Presidential criteria, here’s some more things I’d like to see in the next President:

  • Knows which wine to match with the foie gras-stuffed quail being served at a state dinner

  • Won’t wink at the Queen

  • Doesn’t hunt, fish, or go with girls who do

  • Smokes cigars

  • Is sometimes accused of having a metrosexual streak

  • Only drinks beer with foods that would score at least 10,000 on the Scoville scale

  • Can credibly debate the relative claims of The Matrix, Star Wars, Bladerunner, and Star Trek II to be the greatest science fiction movie of all time

  • Can credibly debate the relative claims of The Who and Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band to be the world’s greatest rock and roll band

  • Came from a state that didn’t secede

  • Can recite at least one Monty Python skit from memory

  • Can credibly debate the relative claims of Blazing Saddles, The Producers, and Young Frankenstein to be Mel Brook’s best movie, while explaining why Spaceballs is a candidate for the worst movie ever

  • Has never sat through an entire Woody Allen movie, an entire Nascar race, or an entire Dixie Chicks concert

  • Wouldn’t camp out 5 days to get Garth Brooks tickets even if s/he was camping at the time

  • Went to Germany on vacation because s/he couldn’t find a highway with high enough speed limits in the US

  • Prefers football to basketball to baseball to soccer

  • Doesn’t play golf

  • Doesn’t bowl

  • Has no kids to foist subsequent generations of politicians on us

  • Has a spouse with no political ambitions

  • Lives with at least one golden retriever
  • Why yes, that does describe someone remarkably like your humble narrator–and thank you for noticing. The primary exceptions being my retriever passed away a few years ago, I’ve seen more Woody Allen films than I care to admit these days, and I’ve never been to Germany. On the other hand, I have written extensively about its best-known modernist architect, and I’ve seen every episode of Hogan’s Heroes.

    However, I would like to categorically state that I shall not seek, and I will not accept the nomination of my party as your next president.

    And I’m glad we cleared that up!