Ed Driscoll

I've Got You Under My Skin

Theodore Dalrymple once quipped that tattoos are a “refutation of the doctrine that the customer is always right. In the tattoo parlour, the customer is always wrong“. Surely, there’s no better example to prove Dalymple’s thesis than this:

While perusing the office copy of People magazine at lunch today I saw that “actor” Dean McDermott has a brand new tattoo dedicated to his fiance (grotesque nepotoid Tori Spelling) emblazoned on his left arm. Well…I suppose “dedicated to his fiance” may be over-simplifying things a bit as the tattoo actually depicts Tori’s entire head as well as most of her rather ample breasts.

In the People piece, Tori remarks about how much she likes her beau’s latest inkblot because of how cool it will be for their grandchildren to be able to see what their grandmother looked like when she was young (I’m paraphrasing, so Tori’s comment probably sounded even more inane than what you just read).

Now, despite the fact that the woman has appeared in countless horrible made-for-TV movies, equally countless horribly bad films and the wildly successful yet horribly horrible television series Beverly Hills, 90210, she may have a point about this single ridiculous tattoo preserving her image for the ages. If God does indeed exist, surely he’ll someday lay waste to Tori’s entire body of work leaving future generations with nothing but however much ink remains in McDermott’s aging and flabby flesh to recall one of the late 20th century’s most truly wretched performers.

At least Johnny Depp had a relatively easy fallback position when his celebrity romance went south:

When engaged to Winona Ryder, he had “Winona forever” tattooed on his arm. After the broke up, he had the n and a surgically removed to simply say “Wino forever!”

It will take a lot more work to remove the amount of ink that Mr. McDermott has had stitched into his skin.