Ed Driscoll

Major Matt and the Slothnorian Quagmire

Jonah Goldberg begins his latest piece by writing:

The year is 2456. The human colonies on Mars have been invaded by giant, laser-visioned tree sloths bent on crushing humanity and forcing the survivors to work as slaves in the massive dung mines of the planet Slothnor. In a last-ditch effort to save our species from extinction, the brave humans launch a counterattack on the Sloths’ home world. Le New York Times (headquartered in Paris since 2018) blares in a bold holo-headline “Disturbing Echoes of Vietnam Conjured by Earth Aggression.”

O.K., I’m kidding. It would probably take a few weeks before the Times actually invoked Vietnam. Perhaps they’d wait until we got bogged down in the actual marshes of Slothnor to start bleating about “quagmire.” Who knows?

I think it’s safe to say that the calls of “quagmire” from the left won’t start until the Slothnors capture Major Matt Mason.

(OK, OK, I’m almost done with the action figure riffs–honest.)