Starts Like a Gag, Ends Like a Funeral
If you’ve ever eaten gas station sushi, you know the drill. You roll the dice. Take a bite. And if you’re lucky, all you lose is a little dignity and a few hours in the bathroom.
But tianeptine? That’s not day-old sushi.
That’s Russian roulette in capsule form. Sold legally. Labeled with flashy nonsense like “Zaza” or “Neptune’s Fix.” Sitting right there on a shelf next to gummy worms and scratch-offs.
It’s marketed as a nootropic, a focus enhancer, and a mood booster. In reality, it’s a synthetic opioid with a PR team. And it’s sending people, especially young ones, straight to the ER. Or the morgue.
You Can’t Regulate What You Pretend Not to See
Tianeptine works on the same opioid receptors as heroin. Same bliss. Same crash. Same crawling desperation to chase that feeling again.
But here’s the trick: It isn’t approved for medical use in the United States. It’s sold as a “supplement” or “not for human consumption,” which is the retail equivalent of a wink and a shrug.
Meanwhile, poison control centers are logging record calls. Hospitals are treating withdrawals as severe as fentanyl’s. Parents are burying kids. And the FDA is sending out... guidance?
That’s like yelling, “Watch your step” after someone’s already slipped on the ice and cracked their skull.
The Loophole Economy
Let’s not pretend tianeptine is some fringe product. It’s everywhere. Gas stations, vape shops, late-night web stores. And as long as it’s not on the DEA’s Controlled Substances list, retailers can keep raking in cash with zero consequences. Congress is trying.
Sort of.
Rep. Jimmy Panetta (D-Calif.) and others reintroduced the STAND Act to schedule this legislation. That’s step one. But what’s needed now is urgency. Action. The kind of full-stop regulatory hammer that shuts the door before more people die looking for relief in a bottle of snake oil.
Other Legal Timebombs
Tianeptine isn’t alone. It’s the latest in a long line of “how is this still legal?” substances that keep slipping through the cracks.
Here are a few you can still find without a prescription or much resistance:
- Kratom: Sold as a “natural pain reliever,” it works like an opioid and can cause dependence, withdrawal, and seizures. Legal in most states.
- Whippets (Nitrous Oxide): Marketed as whipped cream chargers. Inhaled for a buzz. Kills brain cells and sometimes the user. Sudden death via oxygen deprivation is a known risk.
- DXM (Cough Syrup): Teens down entire bottles of Robitussin to trip. Result: liver damage, psychosis, heart trouble.
- Phenibut: A Russian anti-anxiety drug sold as a supplement. Causes blackouts, rage fits, and withdrawal symptoms that make Benzo detox look like a spa day.
- Salvia Divinorum: Natural? Sure. Safe? Not even close. A few seconds after inhaling, you might believe you’re a light fixture or that time doesn’t exist. Real stories.
- Benadryl Challenge: Thanks to social media, kids are overdosing on antihistamines. The goal? Hallucinate. The result? Death, in multiple cases.
- Poppers (Alkyl Nitrites): Labeled as “room odorizer” or “cleaner.” Inhaled, they cause heart arrhythmias and brain damage. Legal? Technically, yes.
- Air Dusters: You’d think something meant to clean keyboards wouldn’t kill people. You’d be wrong. Huffing compressed air can stop your heart cold.
- Sodium Nitrite: Used for curing meats. Also used as a suicide agent. Sold online without a blink from regulators.
- Designer Chemical Blends: Marketed as research powders, mood boosters, or nootropics. Often laced with synthetic stimulants or opioids. Labels lie. Bodies don’t.
Why We’re Losing the Fight
We’re so busy regulating sugar and soda sizes in some states that we forgot to ask how legal opioids wound up in the same aisle as energy drinks.
Some of these substances are banned in other countries. Some are banned in a few U.S. states. But there’s no unified front. No aggressive education campaign. No federal crackdown.
Instead, we’ve got bureaucrats writing policy papers while kids collapse in strip mall parking lots.
And the businesses? They slap on “Not for human consumption” like it’s garlic against vampires. If a product is being ingested, sold for effect, and killing people, then “not for human consumption” is the laziest lie in retail history.
Let’s Not Wait for the Eulogy
This isn’t about outlawing everything. It’s about calling a spade a spade. If it walks like heroin, talks like heroin, and kills like heroin, we shouldn’t need a Senate hearing to call it what it is.
The FDA needs to ban tianeptine.
Now.
Not next year.
Not when the right lobbyist gets out of the way.
Now.
The DEA needs to schedule it. And Congress needs to stop acting like public health is a quarterly budget item.
If STAND doesn’t pass, then maybe the next bill should be called SIT because that’s all anyone’s doing.
Final Thoughts: There’s Help. But First, Get This Junk Off the Shelf.
If you or someone you know is caught in the tianeptine trap or tangled in any of the products above, there is a way out. The SAMHSA Helpline is confidential, 24/7, and staffed with real people: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
But that help needs to be met with policy.
Enforcement.
Regulation with teeth.
Until we stop treating gas stations like pharmacies and ignoring the silent screams in ERs, more families are going to wake up to tragedy.
And no amount of regulation after the fact brings a child back from a bad decision made in a parking lot for $9.99.
