4 More Foods the Government Should Ban

New York Mayor Bloomberg has decided that New Yorkers can’t be trusted to have access to soda served in anything larger than a 16 ounce cup. It’s clear that New Yorkers can’t be trusted in general, so this ban on soda is not so surprising. The New York City Council is now eyeing popcorn and coffee drinks for a possible ban, because if you can ban one thing you can ban everything.

When you voted for me, you agreed to do everything I said, didn't you?

Bloomberg is not the first politician to ban food. The FDA has been waging a vendetta against “fresh” food for years. Like raw milk and farm fresh eggs and small farm organic produce. The government has decided that unless it’s mass-produced at farms big enough to pay bribes hire a lobbyist, it’s not good for you.

Since we’re banning foods, I want to enter the discussion about what should be banned. I think I have some great ideas on that score. Here are 4 foods that should be banned. Are you listening, Big Brother?!

4. Broccoli

Because it tastes gross, and 9 out of 10 people agree with me about that that. Majority rules. Is this a republic democracy or what!? Lots of things taste bad, though, so why broccoli? Broccoli also smells bad. And worst of all, if even a tiny bit of this bitter vegetable touches something else, it leaves a nasty broccoli flavor behind. It’s a food of mass destruction, and so it must be eliminated.

Gah! Get your broccoli out of my cheese!!

In order to ban a food, it is easier to get it done if you can conjure up a health danger that results in higher costs to society. Unlike soda, broccoli doesn’t contribute to obesity, but, surprise, there are medical reasons not to eat broccoli. Turns out broccoli is a goitrogenic food, which can disrupt normal thyroid function by inhibiting the body’s ability to use iodine and lead to hyperthyroidism. Supposedly if you cook the broccoli, even light steaming, its goitrogenic quality is inactivated, but, as we know, people cannot be trusted to cook it so we need to ban it altogether.

3. Squid

Eating raw meat is always a risk. You are putting your health in the hands of the chef and kitchen staff who must make sure everything is as fresh as can be and meat that can spoil is prepared right and stored properly. Here is a news story about a restaurant that apparently forgot to make sure the squid they were serving was, well, dead.

Squid Injects Woman’s Tongue With Sperm Bag As She Eats In Korea

I'd smash it in the head with a hammer before eating it if I knew where the head was.

So, I guess they erred on the fresh side, which you have to give them props for. But nonetheless, I was shocked to learn that a squid can implant its sperm bag, whatever that is, in your mouth. I really don’t need to know one single other thing about it to say let’s go ahead and just ban it.
2. Plums

Because I’m allergic and in the name of equality you must give them up, too. Egalitarianism’s a bitch.

No plums for you!

1. Corn

Farmers gonna hate, and I’m sorry, but why is corn (or soy bean — and don’t get me started on legumes) in every single product on the shelves in the U.S. these days? What happened to good old fashioned sugar instead of high-fructose corn syrup, or healthy fats instead of corn oils that the body just doesn’t process well? Why are Americans fat cows? I dunno — could it be the corn oils and syrups in everything we buy? What do we feed livestock to fatten them up? That’s right…CORN!

We fed this giraffe corn and look what happened.

Real sugar also tastes better. Have you ever tried what has become known as “Mexican Coke”? Mexican Coke is not just an illicit drug, it’s a Coca-Cola with real sugar in it that’s sold in Mexico. It tastes like Coke tasted in my childhood and is much more delicious than modern Coke, which began using high-fructose corn syrup instead of sugar in 1980. You can find it in Mexican markets in any major city, because Mexicans know it tastes better so they import it. Now Pepsi and Mountain Dew have come out with a product line called “Throwback” made with real sugar instead of corn syrup.

In the name of better tasting foods and less obesity, corn must be banned.

Banning Foods, A Possible Problem

Does it concern you that every year we seem to get a new study debunking some nutrition science from last year and claiming some new benefit or harm? Coffee’s good for you, no it’s bad for you, no it’s good for you, no it’s bad for you….The question I have is what if the government gets it wrong and accidentally bans all the healthy food?


Sunny Lohmann is a regular humor columnist for PJ Media and PJ Lifestyle. Her political satire videos have gotten a lot of attention in the blogosphere. Find out more about Sunny by checking out her blog, House of Sunny, follow her on Facebook here, and enjoy her most recent Youtube videos here. She tweets @sunnylikeaboss.

Check out her previous articles for PJ Media: