How To Be an Amateur Wine Snob in 5 Easy Steps
I admit it: I am an amateur wine snob. An amateur wine snob is a person who knows enough about wine to be annoyingly high-maintenance, picky, and impressive. It is someone who can get an enormous amount of sensory pleasure from a good wine and who can say things like, “I want a well-balanced Cab and if I can get my hands on a 2005 from Oregon I’ll be really happy.”
Are you impressed yet?
Becoming an amateur wine snob is not as hard as it appears to be. There may be a dizzying amount of information out there about wine, but so there is about most anything, and a small amount of information goes a long way.
As an amateur wine snob I would like to have a quality glass of wine when I go out to dinner. The problem is most restaurants in America serve crappy junk wine because most of you don’t know enough to ask for better and will drink the average swill without complaint. That $6 glass of California red you ordered probably cost the restaurant less than $3 for the bottle. Cheap. Junk. Because of the lack of wine snobbery in this country, I have to go out of my way to go somewhere that serves good wine and I HATE going out of my way. I would like wine snobbery to spread far enough so I can get a gorgeous dry red with well-balanced, ripened tannins at a McDonald’s drive-thru. (Okay, well, maybe not the drive-thru.)
For God's sake, they have it in South America. The only thing stopping us is a lack of wine snobbery!
Here are five easy steps to join the illustrious ranks of the Amateur Wine Snobs of America.
Step 1: You have to want it.
Does wine give you a headache? Not so, my friend. CRAPPY wine gives you a headache! Guess what? If you have a quality wine, you can drink an entire bottle without getting a headache. This knowledge is understood by both wine snobs and every homeless drunk in the world.
I'd like a well-aged Cabernet please. That cheap s*it gives me a headache.
Why else should you want to be a wine snob?
- Impress your friends
- Impress your date (This is true for men and women unless your date is Homer Simpsonish. Homer would just be annoyed and intimidated by your sophistication.)
- Get a lot more pleasure out of a glass of wine
- It’s heart healthy
Do you need more reasons? There aren’t any. If you are not motivated now, go have a Bud Lite and stop wasting my time.
“If you said Zinfandel, I really can’t help you because I don’t know anything about wine that comes in boxes.”
This is a spectacularly ignorant statement. Does Sunny think that all Zinfandel, or even most Zinfandel, comes in boxes? If she does, she must not get out much. Excellent Zins are produced in almost all the major viticultural areas of California and even Italy, if you’ll admit Primitivo as a doppelganger.
I’m not exactly incensed at this silly, worthless opinion, but have to wonder what has happened to PJ Media, now that it’s begun to publish so much trivial, quasi-humorous fluff.
Sunny is insightful and masterful humorist.
Lighten up and get over yourself D.B.
I thought the same. I wanted to shout out to her, “Try a bottle of Rombauer, Earthquake, 7Deadly, or even Gnarly Head and then get back to us!”
thanks for the jobe at “boxed zinfandel”.. this will help lead astray the ersatz sommellier who elsewise might foray into discovering zonfandel as a varietal. Particularly since it followed hard on the list beginning with merlot, a non-descript blending grape never intended to be a stand alone. Some of the finest wines I have ever enjoyed were zinfandels, one of them being shared with me by the maker, who had recently won a top award in a large blind tasting in France.. with the very cuvée we had in our hand.
I remember what happened, some years back, when the heartthrob lead in some popular bit of cinematic fluff portrayed a singular appreciation for pinot noir. Within weeks, if a drinkable one were to be found, the price rendered it unattainable. Now the film’s been largely forgotten, and some producers threw themselves at the new “fad” wine with gusto, availbility of a good pinot noir at a reasonable price is improved.
This is a fun piece…. particularly the illustrations. Classic tongue in cheek… pr, perhaps more accurate, simply “cheek”.
the best advice for the wannabe you give.. drink lots. Sooner or later the wannabe will actually learn somewhat about the subject.
just go back and put “white” in front of Zinfandel, the comment would carry a lot more weight (and humor).
Bah!
A snob is one who has pretensions about his superiority in some realm. A wine snob is one who fancies that he knows more about wine than others.
I know the only two things of importance about wine:
1. It’s a liquid that can be poured into a glass;
2. It can be fun to drink.
How can you make wine fun to drink? Well, normally that’s the advanced course, but I’ll give the outline, at least:
1. Pour some into a glass. Any sort of glass. It doesn’t have to be expensive cut-crystal stemware from Ireland. That tumbler you salvaged from a jar of Welch’s Grape Jelly will do just fine. The wine might even pick up a few pointers from the remnants of the previous occupants.
2. Lower as much of your face as will fit into the glass. It’s considered gauche to press this to the point that your nose actually touches the wine. However, there are precedents.
3. Inhale ferociously. Not to the point of drawing liquid into your nose; that’s just not done, at least outside the home when on a date with an attractive member of the opposite sex. Accompany that massive intake of vapors with a snort comparable to what Sandra Bullock’s character in Miss Congeniality produced whenever she laughed.
4. Making sure to hold your glass level, tilt your head slightly back and open your jaws to their widest stops.
5. In one smooth, sharp motion, catapult the wine from the glass into your open mouth. Do your best not to splash it onto your face or clothing. Try not to choke or gag as the wine makes its way into your innards; that would spoil the experience.
6. Smack your chops, smile, and croon, “Man oh man, that was a good one.”
I guarantee you that this will earn you a reputation of no uncertain kind. In fact, if you do your drinking in the right sort of place, a lot of the regulars will buy you drinks just to see your performance!
Brilliant response! Am still chuckling over the visual image this caused!
It won’t do if it don’t unscrew.
I took my wife to a place that was sooo cheap…
How cheap was it?
If you bring your own wine, they charge screwcappage.
I thought the idea was to inspect the cork – if the cork is cracked, broken or moldy looking, it probably means the wine has been exposed to air for a while and now bad. You don’t sniff it, but look at it.
Then again, I’m a beer snob so not a lot of corks are involved (some, but only a few).
My very non-humorous problem with ordering wine is remembering the brands, types and years from one occasion to the next.
It’s all such a crapshoot.
It ain’t worth drinking if it’s not a primary color.
Fortified wine snobbery is da bomb…
Yes, dee, that’s the ticket. Be able to talk some fortifieds:
Sherry, grades dry (non-sweet) to sweet: fino-oloroso-amontillado-cream.
Madeira, grades: rainwater-sercial-boal-malmsey. Impressed? I knew that you would.
Feh, I do cheap bourbon, aka Mattingly & Moore’s. for wine, anything done in my state is sufficent. I will absolutely not spend any money that might, by the longest stretch, provide sustenance to the socialist @$$holes that reside in CA. Think grape juice with benefits, baby.
I went out with a girl who liked to order wine. I think on our first date we ordered. It was fun and we didn’t feel like snobs.
She lived in one of the settlements near Jerusalem / Ramallah. Settlers generally are the most down to earth people you will find on the map, yet when it comes to wine many of them can hold their own with the best of them. Why? Because while all the Arabs know how to do is planting olive trees everywhere (to claim that the land where the tree grows is theirs.) the settlers are growing grapes.
Just outside of Jerusalem in the hills going northwards towards Shechem, (or Nablus as some call it) tiny Jewish settlement dot the hillsides. Psagot and Ofrah tiny quaint towns for example both have won international wine competitions (where the origin of the wine was concealed).
And so when we would meet up once or twice a week, I’d come from university and she from work, we’d sit down to eat and she would casually order world class wines shed that tasted previously at the neighboring vineyard up the road and over the hill. I learned some. Mainly how to order wine as casually as asking for a cuppocino, and how not to sound like a fool when ordering. (We’d usually end up getting a bottle.)
Price wise a good bottle of wine is around a litre and may go for around 120 shekels (35$) sometimes less if bought locally and depending on the year.
I do know a bit about wines, and I find this an excellent summary told with great humor imbedded in good writing.
Thank you.
Frankly, I don’t get the whole wine thing. By the time I figure out how to pronounce the label, the gas station has a new brand on sale.
I’ll leave wine appreciation up to all those experts out there, which we seem to have in abundance. Can’t stand the stuff.
Bobdog, the thought of shopping for wine at a gas station may be amusing in theory, but we actually bought very good wine once at a gas station. It was located in the famed California wine country, so it wasn’t your typical place. There was an incredible array of not only wine, but gourmet foodstuffs to go along with your selection.
As a beer snob, I’m offended at the mere mention of … shudder … Bud Light.
I liked it when some of the snootiest oenophiles participated in a blind taste test.
And picked some of the cheapest varietals as best.
(My use of “oenophile” and “varietal” qualify me as an authority)
The difference between the wine “snob” and someone knowledgeable about wine, attitude! If you know what pleases you, and can find it without a fuss, good! If you are “showing off” your little bit of knowledge, then you are acting like a snob.
Education here, (wine drinkers like sharing these hints and things)
Actually with the cork… it should be “wet” and no mold. The sniffing was to smell it for “musty” if so, dump the wine, air got into the bottle and there may be some undesired mold.
You can only do this with REAL oak corks, not the plastic one and not screw tops… but if it is plastic or screw top, checking is not needed, those are really good about keeping air out of the bottle.
Well, there’s a world of mischief in corks. The writer doesn’t know as much as he pretends.
Most would say the cork should be dry — a wet cork on a good wine suggests it’s been mishandled while laid down. On a cheaper, non-vintage brew, it doesn’t matter if the plonk got jostled a bit, just give it a bit of air. If the cork stinks, it’s a sign the bottle was badly sealed and the wine is almost certainly rancid and worthless (“Ugh, bouchonée!!” — practice at home first).
Bonus points and bunker-buster tips to flatten any sommelier (his other job is often at 7-11):
The pedigree of a true cork oak cork is 100% alcornoque from Spain/Portugal, not roble or encino oak. Barrels: As for time in the barrel on the way to the bottle, well, American oak trumps all others by a mile (hmm… grace notes of vanilla, Hermione?). All this royally PO’s the French, whose oaks aren’t up to the job, and the Italians, who tend to resort to anti-freeze as a ‘softener’ and get into trouble regularly.
Caution: don’t bring any of this up if it’s a synthetic cork. The quality of cheap wine from many places, old and — especially — new world, is now so high there’s really no need to play games. Most restaurants see the wine list as a source of pure profit, so the smart-money customer stays cheap. Just avoid ’2nd from the bottom of the list’ and you’ll likely be happy. House red/white is usually fine, because the establishment’s reputation hangs on it. If in doubt, drink beer. If the food’s hot’n'spicy, definitely drink beer.
A wine must be friendly, but not promiscuous. (Pronounced while gripping the base of the glass with little finger in the air.)
Awhile back, due to flooding of the market and declining sales, some of the best California wineries were selling the “good stuff” under off label names.
In other words, you might be able to find expensive Marchesa Supremo Cab (made up name) on the store shelf as reasonably inexpensive Fantastic Country Red (made up name)
I don’t know whether or not this is still the case, but it was fun at the time to try to chase down the off labels.
I really cannot take seriously any instruction regarding wine snobbery that does not include the word palate. Had the author just thrown that in there a time or two, I could be educated by now.
Indeed, palate as in cleansing thereof. Especially if tasting different brands to see which one is best.
Since living in south Europe, I know there is a lot of snobbery around wines, but I also know that wine is just part of the culture here, and knowing something about it is almost unavoidable.
So, as for the steps:
* Drink a lot: yes. It’s like trying all the different italian ice creams you can try, figuring what the difference is and why you prefer one or another. And it is exactly as Sunny said: try to describe it with normal adjectives, learning also the wine jargon without getting too posh.
* A lot of european wine snobbery comes out of nationalism, not exactly snobbery per se. When Italians say “eeehh? you were drinking something from Valencia??” It’s not that they know something about Valencia wines, they are just being nationalistic and mean.
* Since summer is comming, I suggest drinking cold (as cold as you can) rose wine when you are having a BBQ/grill party. Also, you can try white wine (also cold), but you can leave those red wines for the fresher/colder seasons.
* I also had problems remembering the types/names/vintages/producers, take it easy, it’s a drink to enjoy first and foremost. My primitive classification was something like this:
(red, white, rose)
(dry, sweet)
(sparkling/spumante or not)
It’s not common to find a sparkling red sweet wine but they exist (Brachetto, for instance) so, you don’t use all the combinations in this classification. “Red” wine pretty much means also “dry and not sparkling”; same with rose and white. By default. If you want sparkling or sweet then specification is needed.
Instead, the specifications of sweet/dry and sparkling/ is more often needed when dealing with dessert time or the toast ritual.
Swirl the wine in your glass only when drinking red wine. It’s the interaction of air and tanins what makes the flavor interesting after the swirl.
Boxist!
“Extra credit: If you want to be a really big snob, pick an Italian or French region for your favorite.”
How big of a snob does it make you if your favorite is a particular vineyard? Lacryma di Christi del Vesuvio, please!
And, really, what’s wrong with “box” wine? The “box” is just a package for the mylar bag inside, and a mylar bag does a better job of keeping the wine fresh than a bottle. Sure, cheap wine in a mylar bag is still cheap wine, but it’s not the packaging that made it cheap.
I drink lots of $6-10 Trader Joe red wines from around the world.
I like almost all of them but honestly I’ve never been able to tell much difference between a $6 and a $100 bottle of wine.
I guess I’m taste-blind.
I was a wine snob once. I’ll never drink wine again after that night.
Since when does knowing a lot about wine “impress your friends”? Let’s face it, ‘Wine snobbery’ is just an excuse to drink alcohol, in order to reduce social awkwardness. Nothing more!
Anyone who actually STUDIES boozing is just kidding himself. Witty, successful, entertaining men put alcohol knowledge on the BOTTOM of their accolades lists!
Alcohol is REALLY unimportant in life!
I agree with Rob, the box wines can be stowed more efficiently in panniers when packing on horses in the mountains. Bottles can break when the horses are traveling on steep grades and crossing wild rivers, and packing out empty boxes is much more practical than empty bottles. The clinking of bottles banging against other bottles can spook game a mile ahead of you. The animals’ hearing is far more acute than ours. There is also the problem of packing a partially empty bottle from one campsite to another, invariably they leak and cause a mess.
In the bush, we are not particular about serving white wine with trout, grayling, arctic char, or grouse; we carry cabs and they seem to go as well with those meals as they do with elk, moose, moose nose, moose tongue, elk liver, or venison.
Yes indeed, Ms Lohman, I think you need to pack in with an outfitter and do a little hunting in BC, the Yukon, or Alaska. It is when you are truly close to nature, that you tend to shed pretensions concerning the appreciation of an excellent box of cab as you listen to the wolves cry out their chorus of laments. You will stop this nonsense of snobbery and come to realize that man has made wine for over 2500 years, and it is made to drink and enjoy without pontification and hyperbole.
Moose nose is one of my favorite dishes. It is meant to be eaten while field dressing the moose; in other words, it is best served fresh. Build a moderate size fire. Stick a forked stick in the ground with suitable heft to support a three pound nose. Push the forked end of the stick through the nostrils. (It is amazing how God let us learn the secrets of cooking moose nose and making wine and facilitated the nose so that a forked stick is all we need for the nose.) Place the nose approximately eight inches above the fire and cook until the skin turns black and peels away. The moose nose is ready to eat.
I always suggest washing your hands before drinking wine, because the stench of butchering can detract from drinking a good glass of cab; especially if you are using metal coffee cups. Some of you might take exception to drinking cab from a metal cup, but in the mountains, you are more willing to do away with cultural conventions and compromise when necessary.
Happy hunting, oh by the way, I like to slice a large Bermuda onion in half and place the cut halves on the coals for two minutes while the nose is finishing up. It help round out the food triangle.
Man guiding has changed a lot since I did it. Never was in a pack in or flyin camp that allowed booze. Couple of times it made its way in unknown to the boss it was overproof.
Keith, although I guided as a young man, over 40 years ago, most of my hunting and trapping has been all alone or with a friend or two, north of the Peace and into the Yukon. With my own pack horses, I answered to no man, still to this day. I suggested Sunny use an outfitter because there is no other way she could go on such a trip.
It was primarily an attempt at humor, to compliment her light hearted article. When you read too much into a what is meant to be a humorous story, you lose the effect.
It’s true, rifles and alcohol don’t mix; unless you have responsible partners.
The best to you, Keith, I hope you still find time to get in some good hunting.
Ahh, the delicate aroma of wine snobs discussing one of their favorite subjects. My own personal favorite is a good Syrah from the Snake River Valley in Idaho. Not well known fortunately, which means that it is still cheap.
And as a hunter/camper/horsewoman, I must say that using a metal cup does not detract from the taste of the wine at all, although I generally save using boxed wines for general use. Packing a good bottle of wine in hay is perfectly acceptable, and if the bottle leaks, I’ve never seen the horse object to the hay. Although, to be honest, I have never had a bottle leak into the hay, so I’m just guessing on that.
Personally, I’m glad that PJ Media takes the time out to have a little fun. Laughter is the best medicine, and in case you haven’t been keeping up with general news, I believe we could use a lot more fun than we’re currently getting.
Mtngirl, I’ve only packed in with a couple of women, with dubious results; however, you sound like you would be an excellent camp partner.
I never packed in feed, it wasn’t practical to go where there wasn’t natural horse graze.
I’ve spent quite a bit of time working along the Snake, east of Boise. I love that country. I’ve met a lot of excellent horsemen and cowboys down there. It’s a beautiful country, but that state government you have is becoming more and more repressive; however, I’ve met more Conservatives in Idaho than I’ve met in my entire career, my kind of people.
Try the box wine on your next trip, you might be pleasantly surprised. If it turns hot, you can take it out of the box and put it in a creek or spring, so it will be chilled for dinner. I prefer 50 degrees F. for serving with moose or elk. Bwhaaaaaa! That’s a joke kiddo.
A gal who mentions Oregon and Homer Simpson in one blog is OK in my book, though you might want to lean towards the Pinots from the land of rain.
The author doesn’t mention my favorite: Malbec. Wines from Argentina and Chile are a lot of fun.
I can’t drink California wine (even the expensive stuff). It makes my nose run and then clogs up my head. Maybe it is the pesticides on the grapes, or the sulfites?
Actual wine lovers are all natural about it, without making all the snob thing.
Make every trip an excuse to try local wines. Wikipedia has good articles on most of countries, even Germany lol. So you can enter in a place and for something specific, or ask to local people where you can find something you like.
Hey now, I use Old Vine Zinfandel from Bota Box as my botox. Application is easy as the bag in the box works well. Boxed Cardinal Zin will absolve your daily sins.
Peace,
m
Wohoo! This means I’m on my way to becoming a wine snob. I began drinking wine many years ago because of my sales manager. He lived in Washington state at that time, so he had access to plenty of wines there. Anyway, he would visit me every quarter, and all we did while he was with me was go wine tasting at Napa Valley because it was part of my sales territory. I’ve develop a taste for Pinot Noir, so I buy it often when money is not tight. I need to drink more before I can consider myself a wine snob, but I’m getting there.
I’ve tried. But I guess I can never be a connoisseur. How much do I have to drink before it no longer tastes like horse pee?