Pride Shouldn't Be the Only Deadly Sin With Its Own Month

AP Photo/David Goldman

June is the month in which many of my good friends and relatives — including my sister — have birthdays and, because of that, it holds a special place in whatever it is that I’m calling a heart. The Rainbow Pride Warrior Fascists have been working since the 1970s to make June their own, and I will be having none of that.

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As I wrote in my Monday Morning Briefing, I never used to give Pride Month much thought. My ability to not pay attention to issues or people or anything that isn’t me is legendary. The Pride mob, however, is like an annoying Chihuahua (redundant, I know) that incessantly barks and nips at one’s ankles — impossible to ignore.

Rather than just write something every day in June about how wearisome Pride Month is (which I could easily do), I have decided to mock it a little during the first week, then get back to ignoring all things rainbow (except actual rainbows, of course).

Prior to the toxic secularization of the United States of America, Pride was widely known as one of the Seven Deadly Sins. In fact, it has long been at the top of the list for people who do things like rank the Seven Deadlies. Here’s a refresher on the full list, for those who have forgotten: Pride, Greed, Wrath, Envy, Lust, Gluttony, and Sloth.

With envy being the lone exception, the above list pretty much describes every weekend I spent on a beach in Mexico when I was in my twenties. I thought it was very important to hit as many of them as I could when I was young and had the energy for it.

Last week, during one of the “Five O’Clock Somewhere” live chats that Stephen Green and I do three times a week, it occurred to me that Pride shouldn’t be the only one of the Big Seven with its own month. I jotted down the other six and began brainstorming which sin paired well with which month. I was given some good suggestions by Mr. Green and our VIP Gold “Five O’Clock Somewhere” regulars.

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Here is what I ended up with for your rainbow-weary, palate-cleansing amusement. I won’t be presenting them in chronological order because that would make too much sense. The world could use more nonsensical Kruiser.

February: Envy

I thought I would get this out of the way early. Envy is my least favorite of the Seven Deadlies and also the one I’m least guilty of. I would have to spend less time in front of the mirror in order to seek out occasions for envy. OK, I am a little envious when standing in front of the mirror, because I will never know how awesome it is to date Stephen Kruiser. February is a good month for envy because it’s the shortest month and envy is the cheesiest of the Big Seven. It doesn’t deserve a lot of time. Because of Valentine’s Day, women who aren’t in relationships are envious of women who are. Men who are in relationships are envious of men who aren’t and therefore not suffering through last-minute price gouging when purchasing flowers. If misery were a deadly sin, it would bump envy off of its February perch thanks to Valentine’s Day alone.

April: Wrath

Tax Day makes this one a no-brainer. Let’s be honest here, we all binge episodes of Forensic Files when dealing with our taxes, using them as instructional videos for what not to do should the government’s highway robbery send us into a homicidal rage.

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OK, that’s how I always watch Forensic Files, but the mindset is more acute in April.

December: Greed

Yes, December is still, in theory, a holy time for both Christians and Jews. However, the above-mentioned secularization of society has cranked out a couple of generations of greedy little bastards. The “I want!” mentality isn’t just for young non-believers either. Even the most religious among us can get greedy about what we would like to buy for our loved ones for Christmas.

Who among us, after seeing our hundredth or so December commercial where someone is being gifted a luxury SUV, hasn’t inwardly judged our loved ones for not getting us a new car for Christmas?

Yeah, she’s still hot, but there’s nothing like ‘Standing next to a car she’s surprising me with for Christmas,’ hot. Straight up Vehicular Viagra. Hmmm…I wonder if she’ll buy that line…

Fifteen years of pretending that the hairless chimps he calls friends are interesting should have at least earned me one Lamborghini by now. If only he knew how much that would turn me on. Straight up Vehicular Lady Viagra. Hmmm…I wonder if he’ll buy that line…

The greedy struggle is real. Healing comes through awareness.

July and August: Lust

Lust gets two months because it’s the most powerful of the Seven Deadlies when it is firing on all cylinders. It’s no casual sin — it’s a primal urge that plays a key role in the continuation of the species. That could make one say that it’s rather important. Once one meets enough people, however, one realizes that this is a species that isn’t making much of a case for continuation.

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When the sun comes out, America is overrun with bare flesh. That’s not always a good thing, but it often is. Here in the desert, those who stick around for the summer are usually one minor wardrobe malfunction away from looking like they live in a nudist colony. If, like so many Americans, you go to a beach for vacation, you’re just begging to be aroused and driven by your animalistic passion.

There was a time when people didn’t bare so much of their bodies when it was warm. It was acknowledged from the dawn of time that we’re a horny bunch and there was no reason to create a visual environment that might cause our synapses to short-circuit whilst being overwhelmed with the procreation urge. Then the 1960s came along and all of that modest clothing was used to make freak flags which would end up being flown by even some of your most demure neighbors.

If I was beginning my adult life all over, I would become a fashion designer who takes a dollar’s worth of fabric, makes a bikini that was essentially a few bedazzled strings, then sells it for kajillion percent markup. After I’ve made my first couple of million doing that, I will spend a lot of time on my yacht, surrounded by models wearing those bikinis.

Hey, it’s Lust Month(s)!

Lust is also quite the money maker. OnlyFans pages aren’t there to advance the public’s knowledge of the Western Canon.

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Of course, if you’re a pubescent male, every month is Lust Month.

November: Gluttony

If you’re an American, this has to be. Sure, the most gluttonous portion of November doesn’t hit until near the end of the month, but it is GLORIOUS. If you’re doing Thanksgiving dinner right, you pregame your gluttony. The weeks leading up to it are spent just dreaming about what will be on the table on that gastronomically sacred day. It’s not unusual to see grown Americans standing around in a trance and drooling once the calendar hits November.

The urge to eat too much on Thanksgiving Day is so overpowering that families who don’t even like each other that much still get together so that resources can be pooled to create the gluttonous abundance. They also know that they will be eating too much to argue with one another.

Wait, how is this a sin again?

It’s true that the gluttony from November rolls right into December. The Lust for indulging in Gluttony in December can also be viewed as Greed though. There’s three of the Big Seven in one sentence. Add in the fact that plenty of people are envious of a variety of things during the holiday season and December is a cornucopia of Deadly Sins. Only one per month can be assigned, however, and Greed wins.

I’m really freakin’ hungry now.

We now come to the final sin and its month.

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January: Sloth

If you don’t wake up on January 1st feeling like a beached whale, you’ve really neglected your Big Seven duties in November and December. All of America should get at least the first week of January off. If elected, I will sign an executive order making January a National Month Off.

Few months lend themselves to one of the Seven Deadly Sins like January does to Sloth. The weather is atrocious in most parts of the country. The Super Bowl is in February now, so there’s no real reason to get together with your friends for a party. If you handled yourself well between Thanksgiving Day and New Year’s Eve, your food coma and hangover should need some time to themselves. Comfortable couches and recliners were made for not leaving in January, save for the occasional bathroom break. If you live in a medium-sized or larger city, people are vying for the opportunity to bring you food. You’re basically Pharaoh now. Enjoy it. Why should I deprive the Uber Eats delivery person of his or her livelihood? Somebody has to work during Sloth Month, let’s help them out financially.

I would posit that the real sinners in January are those of you who publicly proclaim that you’re going to start going to the gym regularly. You’re lying to yourselves and your loved ones. Now get back to your couch and start reveling in the fact that there are hundreds of episodes of Forensic Files on Netflix.

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April isn’t that far off, you know.

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