Dangnabbit, people! My summer is not over. I am still enjoying the last few lazy weeks before school starts. It’s not even the last week of August. So why, may I ask, am I being inundated with news that “pumpkin spice” is on the way? It’s not just the coffee shops that are doing this. Even so, the most notable is Starbucks with its particularly obnoxious, and beautifully-rendered, count-down to pumpkin spice lattes.
ABC News was hyping “Pumpkin Spice SPAM” as far back as August 15! That’s it. We’ve gone too far. I officially hate pumpkin spice (especially in SPAM, and I love SPAM. Ask my mother. I’m a SPAM fan, especially with scrambled eggs and rice).
But wait, there’s more! ABC is apparently on the forefront of pushing pumpkin spice on us earlier and earlier in the year. On August 6th of this year they did a thorough history of the pumpkin spice latte, like that’s something I want to know about when I’m lazing on the beach with a margarita. (Yeah, I bring margaritas to the beach. It’s good to be my friend.)
For crying out loud, people, it’s still August. Do you want to know what I saw in the grocery store today? Halloween candy.
Stop this. Stop it now! I’m calling for a congressional hearing to investigate who is pushing every darn holiday (or even festive drink) earlier and earlier in the year. Is it the retailers trying to squeeze every last dollar out of us? Is it the tourism boards…. the town council… the media, when they run out of people’s lives to ruin? Who? Who is doing this? If we don’t put a stop to it now, we are all going to be decorating eggs in February.
I want answers and I want them now. I refuse to give up one single second of my hard-earned summer vacation to these pumpkin spice pushers! And while we’re at it, I would like to remind everyone that Christmas isn’t until after Thanksgiving. There’s an entire holiday between Halloween and Christmas that deserves a month of its own before Santa comes roaring into town. I’m looking at you, Starbucks. Would it kill you to create a Thanksgiving drink? Something with nutmeg or cranberries? (Please don’t say pumpkin spice because that’s ruined now.)
From here on out, I disavow all things pumpkin spice until sanity returns. And sane people don’t bring out the pumpkin spice until the first frosty morning in September. If you need me, I’ll be at the beach with my margarita, because it’s still August.
Megan Fox is the author of “Believe Evidence; The Death of Due Process from Salome to #MeToo.” Follow on Twitter @MeganFoxWriter