Culture

3 Excruciating Reasons Not to Cheat on Your Wife

gennifer1Picture it: You’re on a business trip and that girl from marketing with the low cut blouse is handing you a hotel key and offering a no-strings attached night of heaven and your wife will never find out. Before you make a move, consider the following very good reasons to say no.

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3. You could break your penis.

No seriously, you could. There was an actual study done on this. People were actually paid to study the fractured penis and it turns out, it happens mostly to cheaters as reported by Dr. Andrew Kramer.

The heightened risk appears to be due to the unconventional situations, and consequently, locations, surrounding sexual acts, the researchers said. Men in the study who had suffered penis fractures commonly were having sex in unusual settings, including in restrooms or at work, when the injury occurred. The majority were having extramarital affairs.

In such atypical situations, sex may be rushed and involve unusual or awkward sexual positions, Kramer said.

Ouch. Is there a cast for this injury? That’s gotta be an awkward recovery.bankruptcy

2. You could go broke.

Cheating often leads to divorce and divorce costs money. Lots of it. You’re probably going to lose your house or at least have to buy another one and support both households. You may have to pay spousal support and child support on top of all the new expenses you will incur by maintaining two households. Is it worth that? Divorce360 reports,

[Divorce] could cost anywhere from a low-end of $53,000 to a high-end of $188,00 to divorce. The costs include attorneys fees, financial help and real estate costs for selling, buying or renting a home once you’ve made the decision to divorce.

Here’s a better idea. Take $6,000 and take your wife on a 2nd honeymoon and fall in love with her again. I just saved you $47,000! You’re welcome. And speaking of the cost, don’t forget the cost to your children’s emotional health. No matter what idiots on the Huffington Post say about divorce being great for children, there is no proof of that whatsoever, but countless studies have proven the devastation of divorce on children. All you need to do to confirm that is go to your local strip club or prison and find out how many of them come from broken homes.

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1. Your lover might go to the tabloids and say really embarrassing crap.

Blast from the way past, Gennifer Flowers, is in the news again dredging up old and uncomfortable memories for everyone by going graphic about salacious details of her affair with Slick Willy. Frankly, I’ve gotten so used to him looking like Grampa Willy, tales of his exploits with slightly odd plump women is extra icky. I think it would be better for all of us if we could just forget about it and move on, but we can’t because he did it and it’s going to haunt him (and us) forever.

In the most cringe-worthy claim, Flowers tells the Daily Mail, Bill told her Hillary is bisexual in a way that I need brain bleach to get out of my head. Let’s just say it involves Hillary and the “p” word… gag.

Hillary was always famous for her temper and throwing lamps and ashtrays and things at Bill. Someone needs to run around the estate and superglue anything heavy to the floor.

I know what you’re thinking, “I’m not famous. No one would buy a tabloid with my story in it.” They would if your wife cut off your penis when she finds out. It happened to that Bobbitt guy. No one knew who he was either until his dingle-doodle was tossed into a roadside ditch. Consider today’s technology: YouTube could make you famous overnight.

Cheating simply isn’t safe. Did I mention you could break your penis???