Culture

The 5 Anime Series Streaming on Netflix to Avoid at All Costs

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Netflix has been very good about making all kinds of anime content available to stream instantly, much to the delight of anime nerds everywhere. However, in order to get the most popular shows, Netflix often gets saddled with having to take… less desirable programs.  Watching anime on Netflix is like navigating a minefield: one wrong step and you are launched into a world of revolting terror. This list is a guide to help the less experienced anime viewer avoid the pitfalls that come with exploring new territory.

5. Sword Art Online

Sword Art Online is an infuriatingly dumb show. At first, the program suffers with just unfortunate incompetence, but then stumbles into a pit of unceasing perversion and stupidity. SAO follows the story of Kirito, a video game player who gets trapped in a virtual-reality MMO. Death in the game means death in real life, so Kirito and his friends have to walk a dangerous path in order to beat the game and escape.

The first arc of Sword Art Online isn’t actually that bad. The dialogue is terrible, the pacing is all over the place, and the ugly beast known as fanservice rears its head from time to time, but the simple plot and excellent animation make it a halfway decent watch. The cracks only begin to show during the second half of the first season. After a point, SAO spirals into perverted madness — including things like rape, incest, incredibly sexualized female characters, and infuriating masturbatory fuel for lonely nerds. It takes all the good things from the first half, and tears it away to make room for more boobies and sexual mishaps. If you absolutely have to watch Sword Art Online, stop after episode 14.

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4. Rosario+Vampire

Tsukune is a moron who failed his high school entrance exams. However, he is saved from repeating a grade when his dad finds an acceptance letter to a mysterious private high school located in the mountains. Upon his arrival, however, Tsukune finds out it is a school for monsters. He quickly befriends a vampire named Moka, and struggles to keep his humanity a secret, for fear of being eaten. Ladies inexplicably want to date him, and guys want to beat him up for being popular with ladies. Stupid things happen, and perverts get masturbatory fuel.

I lost count of how many panty shots were in the first episode. Seriously, in the first 15 seconds, there was a lingering, flowery picture up a girl’s skirt. Rosario+Vampire offers nothing new or unique. It just exists, and stinks slightly of body odor.  This show doesn’t stand out in any good way. It is like a benign tumor: not actively killing you, but still scary and disturbing. The jokes aren’t funny and the characters are bland. It’s a vacuum of mundane stupidity.

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3. Yamada’s First Time

Yamada is a sex-obsessed high school student who wants to have 100 friends-with-benefits by the time she leaves high school — because “Why not?”  However, she hasn’t even kissed anyone yet, and sex seems to be out of her reach. When she sets her sights on a painfully average boy named Kosuda, she repeatedly makes sexual advances on him in the most awkward of ways. Romance happens, and dumb jokes are made. Rinse and repeat.

I don’t know who this show is intended to please. The awkward fanservice and weird plot make it seem like it is made for the male demographic, but the writing is very similar to romances made for women. It almost seems like an American Pie made for ladies, but the creators didn’t know how to do that. Yamada’s First Time is a confusing mess of a show that is unfocused and disgusting. The only redeeming quality is that some of jokes are pretty good, but other than that, it’s a stinking, slightly sticky mess.

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2. Heaven’s Lost Property

Tomoki is a boring, girl-crazy guy who just wants a quiet life.  One night, an angel-shaped android named Ikaros falls from the sky right in front of him. Ikaros is basically a sex-robot that can grant Tomoki’s every wish. He uses this opportunity to molest women, run around in the nude, and generally be a horrible person.  Hijinks ensue, and everything is gross.  Heaven’s Lost Property is a blur of generic nonsense and rampant misogyny.

This show has serious problems with women, starting from the basic premise and character design. Ikaros is a mindless machine made only to satisfy and pleasure her master. She wears a collar, and has to obey every one of his commands. Tomoki takes the first chance he has to abuse the magical powers, and sexually assault his best friend.  I must remind you that this is our protagonist. Y’know, the guy we are supposed to root for.  As the series continues, things do not improve. An episode focuses on exploding panties, and the plot just mostly revolves around what outfits the female characters wear. Heaven’s Lost Property exemplifies everything people hate about anime.

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1. Freezing

In 1995, Gainax produced the show Neon Genesis Evangelion. This series, hailed by many as a classic, follows the struggles of humanity to prevent extinction. Humans use giant robots called Evas to fight celestial beings known as “Angels.” The show used many Gnostic and Kabbalistic themes and undertones to tell a gripping story, highlighted by deeply psychological character development. Freezing steals all of this, but replaces giant robots and complex characters with big-breasted women and copious amounts of nudity.

Freezing takes place in a future where humanity is under constant threat from giant, interdimensional beings called “Nova.”  To fight the Nova, humans created the Pandora: genetically modified women capable of moving at extreme speeds, hitting incredibly hard, and regenerating missing limbs. These women need to link their minds with a teenage boy — a partner they call a Limiter — in order to enhance their powers and gain advantages in battle. All of this doesn’t matter, however, because it’s just an excuse to include an awkward, inappropriate romance.

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(I couldn’t find a video of Freezing that isn’t incredibly gross. So here are some puppies.)

There is not a single element of Freezing that isn’t insulting. The Pandoras wear clothes that are supposed to protect them in battle, but offer about as much protection as tissue paper held together by the dreams of a Dickensian waif.  Every hit shreds their clothing in only the most risqué ways, often creating a window for their boobs to pop out of. That is, of course, if the hit only shreds the clothes. Freezing seems to sexualize female pain and suffering. Women are constantly moaning and screaming in pain, and their limbs are cut off in a way to make sure that they land in a “sexy” pose. It is disgusting and deeply disturbing.  Freezing is nothing but a sick pervert’s Neon Genesis Evangelion fanfiction where all the names have been changed. It is lazy, gross, and boring — strikes one, two, and three.

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image illustrations via here, herehereHere