Culture

Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop Holiday Gift Guide Is Here!

Image via Instagram/goop

Hooray! Hooray! The 2016 goop gift guide is finally here! The annual list from Gwyneth Paltrow’s famously out-of-touch website is kind of like Oprah’s favorite things for people whose favorite things are, well, kind of strange.

The guide is divided into categories such as “The Traveler Gift guide,” “The Lover Gift Guide,” and, everyone’s favorite, “The Ridiculous But Awesome Gift Guide.” And, while I’m sure there are some people who actually purchase things from this website, the general consensus among those of us who could never afford (or want) to buy any of this stuff is that it’s purpose is our entertainment.

So here, for your amusement (and mine) are five of the most ridiculous items from the 2016 goop holiday gift guide.

1. Pablo Designs UMA White

Image: Pablodesigns.com

This one can be found in “The Thinker’s Gift Guide,” which is probably where it belongs because it definitely has me thinking. I’m thinking, what the heck is this thing? Am I supposed to know what an UMA is? It looks like an upside-down cup with a handle. But that doesn’t seem very practical. Here you go, Dad! It’s a cup you can carry around with you! But don’t put anything in it, okay? It’ll just fall out.

It turns out it’s actually a sound lantern. Um, yeah, that doesn’t really make it any clearer. According to the seller, Pablo Designs, the UMA “redefines the portable lantern for the modern age.” Which is good, because my portable lanterns had been needing some redefinition. No, but really, it’s a speaker with a glowing light thing on top. For $479.

But just in case you were thinking that was a little steep for a glowing, white speaker don’t worry. The website assures you that it invokes “the primal symbol of the lantern and the warmth of a campfire.” Well, I guess $479 isn’t too bad for a lantern that harkens back to the dawn of time. When they had lanterns. Apparently. Don’t buy this thing. Get an iPod dock. And a light switch.

2. Moon Dust Mixed Sachet Box

Image: goop.com

I don’t think I really need to say anything else, do I? I mean, this one kind of makes fun of itself. But, okay, what the heck. So, yeah, these are sachets of powdered “herbs, adaptogenic plants, and bioactive minerals.” I mean, hey, sign me up. You had me at adaptogenic.

No, but seriously (actually not seriously, but you know what I mean), you’re supposed to mix this stuff into your drink. The website suggests nut milk. (If I ever utter the words “nut milk,” please kill me.)

There are different formulas meant to “help your body adapt to physical, mental and environmental stress.” You can choose Spirit, Beauty, Power, Brain, Dream, and Sex. So basically you’re covered. Though what those things have to do with stress is unclear. And what all this has to do with the moon is beyond me. Maybe that’s where you have to be from to think any of this stuff makes any sense. But it’s a bargain at only $30! But don’t buy it.

3. F**K Snow Globe

So, yeah, I can’t even show a picture of this one because it’s basically just the F word inside a snow globe. For $60. What I want to know is, is it like, “F, I’m stuck in a snow globe let me out”? Or, “F, I just spent $60 on a snow globe”? Who knows. Either way, why would anyone want this?

According to the website, this tasteful trinket is “the perfect gift for many occasions.” Which, of course, has me wondering: which gift-giving occasions, in particular? Like, who wants to open their stocking Christmas morning (this gift is listed as a stocking stuffer) and pull out the F word?

Maybe you give it to someone you hate? Or to your sweary uncle so you can try to convince him that the F word is trapped in this snow globe now so he can’t say it anymore? Or I guess you could just throw it at someone or something. As in, like, “F!  Someone just threw a snow globe at me!” Better yet, don’t buy this. It’s rude.

4. Moss Wall Garden

Image: ahalife.com

I’m sorry but what. Is. This? If my wall ever looks like this, call an exterminator. I’m certainly not going to pay $599 to have algae growing all over it. Just looking at this makes me want to throw up a little. Can you imagine touching this? On second thought, don’t imagine it. Hang on, let me go wash my hands.

Okay, I’m back. Apparently these “gentle rolling hills of moss” are supposed to “beckon and soothe you.” Listen, if that thing starts beckoning me, I’m calling animal control. And the only thing that would soothe me about it is never having to look at it again.

Can you imagine opening this on Christmas morning? You’re like, “Oh, how nice, Aunt Suzy got me some artwork.  Let me just open it . . . what did I just touch?!” And then you have to call up poor Aunt Suzy and explain that you accidentally threw the gift she sent you into the fireplace. My hand slipped! But it’s the thought that counts, I guess. So don’t even think about buying this.

5. Groovyyurts Super Ger 20’ Yurt

Image: ecprovisionco.com

Yes, for only $8,300 you could own your very own yurt. If, for some reason, you want to own a yurt. Or spend $8,300. Both options seem equally practical.

Apparently, this company, Groovyyurts, works with families in rural Mongolia to create the best yurts that are “adapted to North American conditions.” Can’t you just imagine these Gwyneth Paltrow types waltzing into some Mongolian yurt village in their designer hiking boots being all, “I’ll take one of those, and one of those, and one of those. And throw in a yurt”?

Well, now you can yurt to your heart’s content (if yurting is your thing). Of course, it’s unclear, where exactly you are meant to set up your yurt. Or why. But at least you own one and that’s what matters. It doesn’t. Don’t buy this.

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Well, there you have it. But don’t let the fun end there. Head into your yurt, gather ‘round your UMA, and check out the rest of the list. But don’t buy anything. Seriously.