For some people, relationships lead to lifelong happiness. For everyone else, they’re depressing vehicles of humiliation and frustration. For women, especially, figuring out how to transition from just dating to being exclusive — and hopefully married — isn’t just a goal. It’s practically a lifestyle. Women blunder through dating making mistake after mistake after mistake — yet they can’t figure out why Prince Charming still hasn’t arrived. And while they cry into their Cheerios about how yet another relationship didn’t work out, they’re lying to themselves about why… why that guy didn’t call back, why he didn’t want to commit, why she got dumped.
Well, ladies, maybe if you stopped lying to yourself about why your 37th fling didn’t pan out, you’d have bagged your happily-ever-after by now. Everyone makes mistakes, in relationships and otherwise. But if you constantly lie to yourself to soothe your pain, then how can you learn anything? Stop telling yourselves these idiotic lies, grow up, and maybe you’ll have more luck in love.
1. All the guys I meet are jerks!
So every single guy you start dating ends up being a jerk, huh? They cheat on you, they cut and run after just a few weeks, or after a few promising months they announce that they’re not ready for a relationship. So you sit there and bemoan your poor, pitiful dating life and wonder why — why? — you can’t meet any good guys.
Well, here’s the thing: you do meet good guys. And then you go on to ignore them in favor of the bad boy who has a reputation, because you just know that the magic of your love will change him. Or you refuse to take a look in the mirror to figure out why every guy you date runs away as fast as his feet can take him. You come on too strong, you’re too clingy, you’re too needy. Heck, maybe it’s all of the above.
If every single guy that you date ends up being someone that you label as a jerk and a heartbreaker, well, the problem isn’t everybody else. You can lie to yourself and say that you just can’t meet any good guys, but they’re out there all right. You just ignore them, put them in the “friend zone,” or scare them away with your psychotic, desperate behavior.
2. We have such a connection, so having sex with him will surely make it stronger!
Guy and girl meet. They exchange numbers, go on a date or two, and really hit it off. Sparks are flying, guy says all the right things, and girl thinks he might be the one. So what does she do? She hops into bed with him, thinking that sex will seal the deal… and their budding romance will turn into a full-blown exclusive relationship. Unfortunately for girl, guy is just happy to score, and that magical night of passion will do absolutely nothing to convince guy to stick around. Now he’s even more likely to bolt, having already gotten what he wants out of her. Meanwhile, she’s telling herself that having sex with him after two dates was totally a good idea, because he liked her so much.
In reality, having sex with a guy right away is never a good idea. You don’t need to sleep with someone in order to make your bond stronger. If you do have this amazing connection, then you don’t need sex to solidify it. And if he’s any kind of decent man who is actually interested in you, then he’ll wait anyway.
3. He’s just not ready for a relationship yet.
It seems like you’re stuck in that “just dating” phase. You go out a few times a month, you have a great time, you’re sleeping together, everything seems perfect. But he refuses to make it official. He’s still seeing other girls, he refuses to make plans with you in advance, or — worst of all! — he won’t change his relationship status on Facebook. Your friends keep asking you what the deal with this guy is, and you keep wondering when he’s going to seal the deal. And you give that infamous excuse: he’s just not ready for a relationship yet.
But, of course, if you stick it out long enough, he’ll surely stop messing around and give you the magical “girlfriend” title, right?
Wake up, sweetheart. If a guy wants to be exclusive with you, he will be. If he refuses to make a commitment, it isn’t because he’s not ready. It’s because he doesn’t want to be in a relationship… with you. If he felt that strongly for you, then he’d take you off the market. And that doesn’t make him a jerk or you an idiot. There’s nothing wrong with casual dating. But if you’re looking for something deeper and he’s just not delivering, don’t lie to yourself about why. Kiss the guy goodbye and find someone who’s crazy enough about you to make it real.
4. He is so going to regret this!
So you’ve just been dumped. Aside from crying nonstop about how heartbroken you are, what is the first thing you vow to yourself and your girlfriends?
That’s right. You create this little fantasy in your head about how weeks or months later, he’ll realize how empty and meaningless his life is without you. You, of course, will be happily living your life, all fabulous and single, and he’ll beg you to take him back. It’s a scenario straight out of a movie. And the reality of it happening is slim to none.
Look, if the guy liked you, he wouldn’t have dumped you. And if he dumped you, then clearly he didn’t have feelings for you. If he didn’t have feelings for you, then on what planet would it make sense for him to then sit around pining for you? He’s going to move on and find some other girl to take your place. So instead of swearing to yourself about how you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to him, and he’s going to regret this forever and ever and ever, why not try just moving on with your life?
5. Guys are just intimidated by me!
So you’re having trouble getting a date. You’re smart, you’re attractive, you’ve got a great job, you’re funny… what’s the problem? You tell yourself that, hey, men are just intimidated by me. Because men can’t handle strong women, right?
Nope. You couldn’t be more wrong. The problem isn’t that men are intimidated by your six-figure paycheck or your banging bod. The problem is that you come across like an arrogant, stuck-up, materialistic snob. When you’re rattling off all the reasons you’re awesome to a guy who then never calls you again, it’s not because he was thinking, “Wow, this chick is amazing… she’s way too good for me.” No, it’s because you just turned yourself into a snob who brags about herself incessantly. And who wants to be around someone like that?
Guys don’t care about how much money you make. And if you’re that funny, smart, sexy, and amazing, then you wouldn’t have to tell someone that. You’d just be those things, and it would be evident to the people around you. So when you’re lying to yourself about how intimidating you are to guys and that’s why you can’t get a date, the better course of action just might be to cut back on the ego a bit.
6. I’m too good for him anyway!
Guy meets girl. Guy dates girl. Guy dumps girl. Girl then runs off to her friends, who all assure her that she was too good for the guy anyway, and that’s why he dumped her.
Look, it may help you get through the agony of a broken heart to lie to yourself about how you were too good for him anyway. But let’s be realistic. You aren’t too good for him. You aren’t not good enough for him, either. You simply weren’t right for him. And he’s already moved on to someone he undoubtedly thinks is better than you. It may sound nice, and help assuage your bruised ego, but if a guy thinks you’re the best thing since sliced bread then he’s not going to let you go.
If you tell yourself you’re too good for him every time a guy dumps you, then you might end up with a nasty case of Lie Number Five. It also keeps you from evaluating what went wrong in the relationship, and allowing you to grow from it. Maybe you were a Stage Five Clinger, which made him run for the hills. Lying to yourself that you were just too good for him isn’t going to help you ease back on the clinginess — or whatever the issue was — and improve yourself for your next relationship.
7. He’s just afraid of his feelings.
So you’re dating a guy. Everything’s going great, and then suddenly he dumps you. Or maybe he doesn’t dump you, but he refuses to say “I love you” or won’t pop the question. Perhaps you’re dating, but he’s got the emotional maturity of a peanut. You really like the guy though, so you stick it out. And the excuse you give yourself and everyone else for why it’s not going the way you want it to? He’s just afraid of his feelings. You know… he got burned in his last relationship, so he’s really cautious. He was married before and got divorced, so he’s afraid of marriage now. He never felt that strongly about someone before and it scared him, so he dumped me.
Sorry, sister. That stuff is only true in the movies, where jerks secretly have deep wells of emotion underneath the surface, just waiting for the right girl (you!) to make him realize the depth of his true feelings. In real life, he’s not afraid of his feelings. If he loved you, he’d say it. If he wanted to marry you, he’d propose. If he really liked you, he wouldn’t have dumped you. He’s not scared off by the depths of your magical love, or the tender feelings he’d buried deep within before he met you. It’s more likely that he was scared off by the thirty text messages you send him a day.
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