Beyoncé's 10 Steps for Becoming a Beyoncé Feminist


1. Be proud of your body. Just the way it is.

Don’t try changing for anyone; you are beautiful no matter what culture says. Be authentic.

2. Be sure to get your hair DID.

Extensions, tracks and weave. Use hair relaxer; relax the black right off of your scalp. Men need to see whiteness, or at least something as close to whiteness as you can get. Bleach your skin. If you can afford multiple makeup artists and/or personal trainers be sure to look your best at all times. You should have big breasts and wet-looking, glistening skin. To keep things simple, imagine you’re a man and dress like you would like you to look. Think step #1 but execute step #2.

3. Get married.

Marriage is great. Find a successful man who treats you as his equal and bear children. Raise them up to be proud and strong, devoid of culture.

4. Marry a man who promotes pimp culture.

You know, the culture that objectifies women and calls them female dogs. Once married, be sure to publicly announce (and in detail describe) the intercourse you and your husband have regularly. People need to know you are his and he is yours; otherwise, because he’s a pimp, they might suspect him of infidelity.

5. Don’t get caught up on all the terms being thrown around about feminism.

Feminism is loose and easily marketable. For this guide’s purposes we’ll say feminism is simply requiring equal rights for women.  It’s such a provocative word even though many don’t know what it means, so the kids on social media will think it’s evolutionary and they will buy things with the term printed on them in pink. ALWAYS in pink. It’s important to hold on to those gender stereotypes because the kids still want to know where they fit within these “loose” terms.

6. You can’t be fat.

You really need to get a pronounced thigh gap. See step 2 for clarification.

7. When doing anything, whether writing a song or writing a book, it’s best to quote underrepresented black women who truly exemplify feminism.

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie was a nobody until I sampled her TED talk in my music and now people in America actually read her work. This is a form of feminism but also lends credibility. Credibility sells albums, ladies!

8. After you’ve lost some weight, dyed and relaxed your hair, applied fake eyelashes and married a pimp, be sure to have a child.

If you have a daughter, use her in all of your feminist-themed marketing so people think it’s both cute and radical; you’re breeding tomorrow’s feminist power. Don’t worry about which marketing campaign it is you’re using your offspring for; if it’s about sex they’re too young to understand anyway.

9. Even if you’re educated and wealthy, as long as you’re black you need to act ghetto.

Use Ebonics and sing/talk about being a hustler and ALWAYS include a stripper pole in your visuals. Promote promiscuity. Even though these women tend to live in poverty, they will ALWAYS find money to buy black shirts with words written in pink on them.

10. Finally, if the real feminists — you know, the ones who picketed for voting rights and talk about forced female circumcision in Africa or acid attacks in the Middle East or gang rapes in India — give you a hard time just remind them: Everyone is a feminist who believes in equal rights for women. Women can and should be sluts because men can be. Women shouldn’t do any activism, though, because that’s a man’s job.

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