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Kruiser's (Almost) Daily Distraction: The Worst Thing to Happen to Liquor Since Fireball

(Kruiser’s Permanote Description: This column is intended to be a lighthearted, short-form way to frequently connect with our cherished VIP readers. Sometimes it will be serious. Sometimes it will be fun. Sometimes it will be a cornucopia of intellectual curiosities and fascinations. OK, maybe not so much the last one. Anyway, as this is a departure for me, I’m including this explanation at the top of each post for a while. Also, non-subscribers can see the first couple of paragraphs so I am in desperate need of filler until we get to the private stuff (subscribe here). Please remember that there is a standing invitation to ask me anything in the comments. Once in a while, I’ll answer some of them.)

Just before I left Los Angeles a few years ago, someone came into my local watering hole on a slow night and bought a bunch of shots of Fireball for the bartender to give to anybody who wanted one. After offering the shots to all 10 or 15 people in the bar, she still had a tray full of them left.

The stuff is that awful. Whenever it’s spelled “whisky” with no “e” it usually is.

via GIPHY

Just when I thought that the flavored booze people couldn’t concoct something worse than toothpaste-flavored whiskey, this shows up in my Twitter feed:

I’m still hoping that America is being punked here, but for now all I’ve got is this from The New York Post:

Georgia-based fast food chain Arby’s announced it plans to unroll two limited-edition vodkas that will pair well with their french fries.

The Curly Fry Vodka “preserves the distinguished and authentic flavor profile” of its namesake snack, and is distilled with cayenne, paprika, onion and garlic, the company said in a press release Tuesday.

Arby’s Crinkle Fry Vodka is more “subtle” and is made with real kosher salt and sugar, according to the missive.

“Though we’ve mastered the art of drive-thru fries, we wanted to take it one step further by making them 80-proof,” said Patrick Schwing, chief marketing officer of Arby’s.

The fast food booze will be available online in 12 states on Nov. 18 for $60 a bottle, the release said.

We’re too far out from April Fool’s Day, even with the way kids are taught to count these days, so this seems legit.

Since Arby’s is involved, let me tell you what my “beef” is with the flavored vodka people.

It’s truly gotten out of hand.

People like to think that they can flavor vodka with almost anything because there’s a myth that vodka is essentially flavorless. It’s a sort of blank canvas to some. I am of Polish descent, so I understand good vodka better than the average person. Trust me, if you’re drinking vodka as God intended — made from potatoes and chilled — you don’t want it to be banana cream pie or french fry flavored.

You want it to be something that a grown-up would drink.

Of course, if you’re drinking that grain swill that Russians call vodka then the french fries you found on the ground at a hobo camp would probably make it taste better.

There are a lot of things that don’t need to be “flavored.” Like Oreos. Oreo is the damn flavor. I know, I know, it’s actually two flavors, BUT THEY WORK AS ONE, DAMMIT.

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

People need to stop trying to fill the emptiness in their Godless, secular lives by creating flavor abominations. We need to stop this before restaurants begin offering key lime pie porterhouses.

Or Taco Bell starts serving “Winechurritos” from its vineyard.

I kid, but then everything comes true.