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Kruiser's (Almost) Daily Distraction: Thinking About Becoming a Cult Leader

(Kruiser’s Permanote Description: This column is intended to be a lighthearted, short-form way to frequently connect with our cherished VIP readers. Sometimes it will be serious. Sometimes it will be fun. Sometimes it will be a cornucopia of intellectual curiosities and fascinations. OK, maybe not so much the last one. Anyway, as this is a departure for me, I’m including this explanation at the top of each post for a while. Also, non-subscribers can see the first couple of paragraphs so I am in desperate need of filler until we get to the private stuff (subscribe here). Please remember that there is a standing invitation to ask me anything in the comments. Once in a while, I’ll answer some of them.)

Seriously, I’d Be a Natural

It is possible to imagine having a different life without being discontented with the life one presently has. I very much enjoy my life, work, family, friends, and air fryer. On quiet nights, however, I find myself wondering what it would be like if I started a cult.

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True, I can often be irascible, unapproachable, and aloof, but when I decide to flip a switch and be gregarious I kind of have “cult leader” written all over me.

If you can resist the urge to have all of your worshippers kill themselves, the money in the cult industry can be good for a long time. Then again, I write for a right-wing media company. If I wanted to sell out and publicly bash conservatives and Republicans I could be rich before Labor Day. Those Lincoln Project guys aren’t sticking to their guns just for the unfettered access to windowless vans and candy, after all. There’s gold in them thar turncoat hills.

Pretending to be a Democrat is too icky for me. I’d need to take a Silkwood shower every night. Spending my fortune on wire brushes doesn’t really sing to me.

While culting does require a recalibration of one’s moral compass, it’s not the soul suck that becoming a Democrat would be. I would be providing a service to people who desperately want to belong to a group but don’t want to abuse anything to gain entrance to a 12-step group. See? It’s charitable.

OK, not really, because I would be asking for their life savings in return for the group love.

I would totally let them ride in one of the cars I’d buy though.

Wait…I would be asking people to turn over their hard-earned money just so they could become part of a low-functioning hive mind?

Crap, that’s exactly the same as becoming a Democrat.

I guess you guys are stuck with me.