(Kruiser’s Permanote Description: This column is intended to be a lighthearted, short-form way to frequently connect with our cherished VIP readers. Sometimes it will be serious. Sometimes it will be fun. Sometimes it will be a cornucopia of intellectual curiosities and fascinations. OK, maybe not so much the last one. Anyway, as this is a departure for me, I’m including this explanation at the top of each post for a while. Also, non-subscribers can see the first couple of paragraphs so I am in desperate need of filler until we get to the private stuff (subscribe here). Please remember that there is a standing invitation to ask me anything in the comments. Once a week, I’ll answer.)
My Liver Is Pre-Weeping
Before I begin on today’s topic I just want to say that I got a couple of good suggestions for stuffed burgers from some readers that I will definitely try soon. There was also a question that I’ll be answering in detail at the end of the week. My plan is start getting enough questions (goofy or serious) that the Friday Daily Distraction is devoted just to that, so ask away!
On to the business at hand.
We’re all friends here, right? I think you know me well enough to be aware that I am no stranger to the enjoyment of a good craft beer or a stiffer adult beverage. One of the earliest jokes in my act from back in the early ’80s was: “I’m half Polish and half Irish; alcoholism is more of a career goal in my family than a disease.”
There’s more to the bit, but that was how it began. And before anybody gets all worked up about the insensitivity of it, lemme just say that my dad had 45 years of sobriety when he died and was pretty much the king of AA here and he loved the joke.
Tack on the fact that I am a professional entertainer and writer and my opportunities for imbibing too much are often work-related. I’m a huge fan of that, most of the time.
This looming Biden presidency has got me a little nervous though.
At first, I thought, “Yeah, I’m going to need to load the house up with whiskey. I was even thinking of pulling up the floorboards to access the rather generous amount of otherwise inaccessible crawl space I have here. This former Boy Scout was going to be prepared.
The more I read about what Ol’ Gropes has planned for his first 100 days in office (yeah, I’m using suspension of disbelief to pretend he’ll last that long), the more I worry that having an urge to drink every time he does something insane may not be the healthiest course for me going forward. When we’re just four days in and they take his bib off long enough to hold a press conference to announce that he’s sending the Dog Face Pony Soldiers into Canada to save them from the Incas we’re going to realize that there is no level of exaggeration that’s too much when it comes to this guy.
If I were to use booze to take the edge off of the tsunami of crazy that will be issuing forth from the Oval Office, I can easily foresee a near future where I’d have to IV some potato vodka and then face plant in a kiddie pool I’d just filled with beer.
I’m probably going to want to make healthier choices than that. In an effort to make lemonade out of lemons, I’m now looking at the kickoff to the Biden era as motivation to double down on the fitness focus I wrote about last week. Maybe the best revenge is to live healthy and live longer.
I don’t know, though. Now that I’ve put that kiddie pool idea in my head I’m having a difficult time shaking it.
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PJ Media Senior Columnist and Associate Editor Stephen Kruiser is the author of “Don’t Let the Hippies Shower” and “Straight Outta Feelings: Political Zen in the Age of Outrage,” both of which address serious subjects in a humorous way. Monday through Friday he edits PJ Media’s “Morning Briefing.” His columns appear twice a week.
