Dr. Strangeweather, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb Cyclone

The bomb cyclone is here! Sandbag your house! Chop up your furniture for firewood! Eat your neighbors!

I refuse to be scared into a bunker by power-hungry, fear-porn-spewing Weathermen pointing at a doppler screen and trying to convince me the end is nigh.

Life is all about new experiences. Bring on the bomb cyclone!

As you read this, roughly 68 million Americans are currently experiencing temperatures of 0ºF. Within 24 hours, that number will hit 200 million. Parts of the midwest will be colder than Mars. The bomb cyclone is upon us, and I am prepared. That said, is Greta Thurnberg old enough for my niece to punch yet?

But wait, what is a “bomb cyclone?” How bad can it be?

BOMB-O-RAMA! According to the nerds at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, a bomb cyclone “occurs when a midlatitude cyclone rapidly intensifies, dropping at least 24 millibars over 24 hours. A millibar measures atmospheric pressure. This can happen when a cold air mass collides with a warm air mass, such as air over warm ocean waters. The formation of this rapidly strengthening weather system is a process called bombogenesis, which creates what is known as a bomb cyclone.”

In simpler meteorological words, it’s when the weather feces and the temperature fan hit each other at tremendous speeds.

Related: House Judiciary Committee Targets ESG Investing as GOP Gets Ready to Take Majority

And we are talking about tremendous effects, like the temperature going from friendly to frostbite in about one minute.

And then the bomb cyclone hits …. Literally 60 seconds for the temperature drop pic.twitter.com/z7qE78ClMH

— Alan Tegel (@tegelad) December 22, 2022

If cold isn’t your thing, the bomb cyclone also brings plenty of flooding. Watch for freezing water to reclaim real estate in the Great Lake region as well as the Northeast. Your home in Lansing, Mich., could feasibly become lakefront property.

The “five towns” mentioned below are on Long Island.

The bomb cyclone has arrived in the five towns.
Wow wow wow …..
I kinda know better what a bomb cyclone is now 💡💡
I opted NOT to press my luck this morning & rely on a chanukah miracle …
I turned around 🙏🙏
Happy chanukah ❤️
Happy erev shabbas 🙏#WinterStorm #BombCyclone https://t.co/8Fphyd462o pic.twitter.com/9fRSqwB9pf

— Ben Isaacs (@BigBenI1) December 23, 2022

There are currently 20-foot waves on four of the five Great Lakes. Time to panic? No! I say we break out the Gordon Lightfoot tunes.

Great Lakes wave model now showing TWENTY foot waves SIMULTANEOUSLY occurring on Lake Superior, Michigan, Erie AND Ontario at the height of the storm. One for the history books coming up folks! #greatlakes #waves #bombcyclone pic.twitter.com/Q8uG7RQ6Je

— David Piano (@ONwxchaser) December 21, 2022

I will say this: With weather conditions being what they are, I’m glad I finished my last-minute Christmas shoplifting and won’t be going back out.

SNOWMAGEDDON-O-RAMA! The weather might get so cold that lizards freeze and fall from trees. Be sure to look up lest you get struck by a frozen, falling Nancy Pelosi.

It’s important to have fun when the weather outside is frightening. Feel free to sing Christmas songs to keep the mood light. Make up your own words.

Don’t think I’ll survive (Baby, it’s a bomb cyclone outside)
My family’s no longer alive (Baby, it’s a f***ing bomb cyclone outside)

Related: Nine Christmas Cocktails to Trigger the Libs

Be sure to play Bomb Cyclone Bingo before the power goes out and you and your family are turned into arctic popsicles.

I have my bingo card ready for this #WinterStorm #BombCyclone pic.twitter.com/mjJk7gB7he

— Trua | O R C A VTUBER | BIRTHDAY GIVEAWAY PINNED! (@EverTrua_TTV) December 23, 2022

You could have it worse; more than 15,000 flights have been canceled or delayed, which means tens of thousands of travelers will be “joyfully” celebrating Christmas from the comfort of an airport gate. Those who prefer to drive can sing Christmas carols as they sit in their snowbound, abandoned cars, provided they weren’t “Donner’ed” by other travelers at the rest stop.

FROZEN FOOD-O-RAMA! In 1846, the Donner Party left Springfield, Ill., and headed to California. They decided to take a “shortcut,” which ended up costing them valuable time. Snow fell for days, trapping the pioneers. Only 45 of the original 89 trekkers made it. Most of the others were eaten by those who survived.

As Americans, we refuse to shudder in fear over something like the weather. We know how to ride out biblical storms. Whether it’s a hurricane pounding downtown Pensacola into a gator-riffic swampland or a polar vortex freezing Mankato, Minn., livestock into cow statues, the answer is the same: booze.

Meet the Bomb Cyclone:

• 1 cup hot coffee
• 1 shot Jameson Cold Brew
• 1/2 shot Drambuie
• cream if you like, may substitute Baileys

Be careful, folks, but don’t let the bomb cyclone ruin Christmas.

For more fun, let’s kick off the weekend with another funny video from our friends at “Jokes and a Point.” They know how to throw a party. Liberal comedians are soul-sucking fun-deniers. Enjoy this video!