My fellow canine Americans:
It is an honor to begin my term as the nation’s first dog. I’d like to thank all the cabinet members who will help me lead the nation’s pooches. Chief of Staff Cujo, you’re doing a great job. If you were any more ornery, I’d have to give you a nickname that would really make you sound really vicious. Like Rahm.
Deputy Dawg, you’re a deputy no more! Now you head up the canine nation’s law enforcement, Attorney General Dawg. Defense Secretary Snoopy, I look forward to working with you on your exciting ideas about retrofitting our Air Force with Sopwith Camels.
And I’d just like to point out that my new Treasury secretary, Goofy, is starting to look pretty smart compared to some other Treasury secretaries I could name.
In an effort to reach across the aisle and make my administration truly bipartisan, I am glad to note that Garfield has accepted my offer to join the cabinet, although as secretary of lasagna, his responsibilities will be limited.
And may I say thanks to the best vice-first dog a fella could ever have: Pluto. You don’t talk. That makes you ideal. You only put your foot in your mouth when you’re licking it.
As I gaze out upon this shining land, I see dalmatians and akitas. Shih-tzus and Shetland sheepdogs. Yorkies and Russian wolfhounds.
For all of you and the many other breeds that make America great, I have a message: I won.
None of you was chosen to stand on this lawn. I was. Politics is theater, and I’m best in show.
So listen up while I impose my will on you.
I haven’t been in Washington long. Some say I’m too young and inexperienced to dig up the economy of this country like a flowerbed.
But I say that being six-months-old is an advantage, not a drawback.
I am a newcomer. As such, I refuse to get stuck in the old, rigid ways of thinking, such as those that have brought this country staggering wealth and the undisputed leadership of the world in the last 60 years. We don’t need to cling to outmoded models of success.
What we need is to run around biting and yapping at and peeing on everything we don’t like or don’t understand.
We are not merely at the low point in an economic downturn that is less severe than the one we quickly bounced back from in 1982.
If you don’t do as I say, we’ll be fighting our owners for that last can of Alpo.
You’ve all heard the humans talk about the threat from China. It’s real. And it’s worse for us dogs. They’re eating German Shepherd’s pie. Their Taco Bell dog is an entree, not a spokesman. I don’t even want to tell about the main ingredient in their Coquilles St. Bernard.
This nation is becoming a land of too many Kibbles, not enough Bits.
The problem is inequality. Irish setters, I’m looking at you. Do you have a right to all that fur? How can you sleep at night when you think of the poor Chihuahuas?
Sheep dogs, cockapoos, and Pomeranians, prepare to get sheared. My Asset Reallocation of Fur (ARF) is going to create jobs with a program to gather your hair, knit sweaters out of them, and distribute them to shivering greyhounds, Jack Russells, and pugs.
Short-haired dachshunds and long-haired dachshunds: The time has come to put aside your differences. After federal reapportioning, you will both become medium-haired.
Any dogs who find themselves with too little or too much fur for their climates will be eligible for federal relocation programs, while dogs who have difficulty getting used to their new owners will benefit from retraining schemes.
The coming months will be exciting ones as I decide which dog-food companies have the most union-friendly policies and the lowest carbon emissions and drive the others out of business. Some dogs may starve to death in the resulting chaos. There will be a federal program to ensure proper funerals.
Members of the press, I appreciate the fact that you have treated me with the same level of scrutiny you have devoted to the human president, who has informed me that I will play a vital role in distracting humans from his policies. He obviously has a high opinion of me. Why do you think he named me after his own initials?