What is the second greatest country in the world?
That’s not an easy question. The United States of America is, of course, the obvious greatest country ever, and everything else is just this pile of crap far beneath it, which makes you wonder why other countries even bother existing. One of America’s defining characteristics is that it is not just the greatest country on Earth but is also so far ahead of any other country that it’s like we’re the only team in the NFL, and all the rest are pee wee teams. Actually, “pee wee teams” oversells them. They’re more like those vibrating boards with the little plastic football players on them.
But here’s a scary thought: What if the U.S. were no longer immeasurably better than all other countries? What if it were no longer completely insane to mention America and another country in the same sentence?
It’s a sobering thought. But it is not as ridiculous as it sounds, considering that our country has been declining for some time. We used to be a mountain towering over all other nations, but now we’re more like a towering skyscraper. If we continue waning, one day we may just be more like a really tall guy.
How do we prevent this? We need to get to the root cause of failure. The central cause of the decline of all civilizations, from the Romans to the Galactic Empire. And it all comes down to one thing.
I have spent a long time studying what makes countries be awesome and what makes others fail, and it always boils down to the influence of whiny, smelly hippies who do nothing to contribute to society and only drag others down. And when the hippies become too great in number, a nation collapses upon itself.
So how do we stop this? Did you say “punch the hippies”? Yes, very astute.
But also not sufficient.
Usually the influence of hippies is quite vulnerable to punching, as a punch — and science is still not sure why — tends to make a hippie shut up. And a quiet hippie is only a minor nuisance. But the problem is, hippies have gone unpunched for so long in this country that the hippies have prospered and multiplied to the point that their influence has spread — spread to each and every one of us.
Yes, you heard that right. There is now a hippie inside all of us. And if we want to turn this country around, it’s not the external hippie that needs to be punched but the hippie each of us has inside.
But how do you punch the hippie inside you? That is the question. Well, luckily for this still great nation, I have come to the rescue and written the book Punch Your Inner Hippie: Cut Your Hair, Get a Job, and Make America Awesome Again. I have unlocked the secret to punching the hippie that lives in you — the secret to defeating the cause of all human failure and unlocking your full potential as an American. In the book, I show you how to build inside yourself the four pillars of being awesome — independence, gratitude, ambition, and confidence — to defeat your hippie once and for all and make yourself an unstoppable force. When you have read my book and beaten your inner hippie into a coma, nothing will be able to stop you from achieving anything you set your mind to. If the whole country follows my advice, we will accomplish things that will make landing on the moon look like something a stupid baby would do. Most countries will probably just disband, because it will seem wrong to even exist on the same planet as us.
So how much would you pay for a book like that? A hundred dollars? A thousands dollars?
What?! You are seriously underestimating the value of this book. You should be willing to give all your money for it. Because when you have the knowledge it provides, you should easily be able to earn that money back and more.
Despite that, though, the book is now available in bookstores and in ebook format at regular book price. Like if you go to your bank and say, “I would like to withdraw enough money to buy a book,” that should be plenty. That’s because I love this country and somewhere between like and tolerate the people in it, and I want everyone to receive the advice in my book so we can all defeat our inner hippies and become the Americans we are destined to be.
And I know this country wants to change, as evidenced by this last election, where we kicked out so many Democrats. But the fact that we replaced those Democrats with just other politicians shows we don’t yet understand how to change. Because real change in this country isn’t going to come from elected officials; it’s going to come from each of us cultivating the awesomeness inside us. And to do that, you have to find the whiny hippie inside you that keeps you from being all you can be. And then you have to never stop punching him.
By each of us winning this inner victory, we can get this country surging ahead again, and we need to do that before we can actually see that second-best country in our rearview mirror… whoever the hell that is.