Obama's Obstacles to Growth Will Make the Economy Stronger

These are tough economic times, and the economy has affected everyone. People are losing jobs, adult children have to move back in with their parents, and monkeys that once found lucrative jobs helping the sick and elderly are now going back to dancing for organ grinders.

It’s awful. And what has President Obama been doing to help the economy? He’s been doggedly determined to raise taxes on the rich — even though in no known universe will that help job growth. He prevented the Keystone pipeline from being built. He’s skyrocketed the national debt through pointless spending that hasn’t created any jobs. He created a giant new government program, Obamacare, that no one wanted and that will put greater burdens on businesses that want to hire people. All of this together makes some people think Obama is trying to kill the economy.

That’s ridiculous. He’s only trying to beat it nearly to death.

How do you get stronger? You need challenges. If you spent all your days living in luxury and lounging around in your hot air balloon drinking champagne, you’d become weak and soft and a little drunk. But what if you instead spent your days running through the woods being chased by an angry bear who was constantly trying to rip you apart? And what if you had to spend all your nights hiding from the bear in a hollow log, eating grubs and drinking rainwater for nourishment? If you survived, you’d turn out pretty strong and ready to face any challenge. That’s what Obama wants for us: a super strong economy that can survive anything. So think of the economy as hiding in a log, scared half to death, and Obama as the bear hunting it so he can maul it. Because that is how he will make the economy stronger.

Admittedly, it’s a little counterintuitive. People think that when the economy is suffering, you need to be nice to it and help it. Maybe hug it when it cries. Obama knows you have to resist that urge. When the economy comes to him broken and bloody, pleading for help, he says to it, “You think things are bad now?” Then he puts his foot on the economy’s throat and says, “Now let’s see you survive this!” And then he laughs at it maniacally to make it mad so it will fight back.

Do you think Obama likes doing this? Despite the insane smile on his face, he does not. It’s just that he knows there is a big, bad world out there where countries are collapsing under debt and China is taking all of our manufacturing jobs, and he wants our economy to be ready for it. And what does he have at his disposal? The government. As we all know, the government is horrible at directly helping the economy, as it’s filled with arrogant morons who don’t know a thing about business. But what are those people good at? They’re good at being obstacles to business. And that’s what Obama has done: He’s enabled the government to become this giant obstacle course that the economy has to get through. That’s what we’re all watching now: the economy, already starving and sleep-deprived, struggling to get past all these hurdles. It’s like Navy SEAL training but even more intense.

And that’s where the stupid, short-sighted Republicans come in. They’re all like, “Oh no! Poor economy! It’s going to die having to deal with all that!” They don’t have the faith in the economy that Obama does. Foolishly, they want to remove all those obstacles and make things easier on the economy. If they do that, things could be like the ‘80s again. Remember how bad that was for us? The economy had like no hindrances, and we had all that job growth, and all our incomes grew with such little effort. We became super fat and lazy because everything was just going so awesomely.

Obama is never going to let that happen. If, despite all his challenges, he sees the economy start to do well and thrive, he’s just going to run up to the economy and start whacking it with a baseball bat, i.e., raise all our taxes or make energy even more expensive as part of some bogus green initiative. He will always keep pressure on the economy so it will constantly fight to even breathe, because he wants the strongest economy imaginable. And that’s why it’s imperative that we get Obama another term in office and that we don’t let our economy off the hook so it falls back into lazy habits. With all the regulations and taxes Obama will put in place in his second term, if the economy survives that, it will be pretty much indestructible and will be able to take absolutely anything.

If it survives. Sometimes the bear does rip open the log you’re hiding in, pull you out, and bite your head off. But if you want the challenges to work, the threat has to be real. But I’m pretty confident the economy will be able to overcome Obama’s carefully constructed obstacle course of death.

So how much do the monkeys make dancing for organ grinders? Or is that market pretty saturated?