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The Absolute, the Best, the Most Brilliant Solution to Racism Ever!

Racism. It’s the problem everyone is talking about, and it continues to be a problem because people won’t stop talking about it. Who knew different levels of skin pigmentation could cause so much trouble? In retrospect, the human race probably should have stuck with one skin color (like chartreuse), but it’s too late now, and what a mess we have on our hands. So it’s time for someone — probably me — to come up with a solution to it.

We thought we could get past race in America by electing a black president, but it turns out that voting for a black person didn’t magically end racism (the DNC lied!). Instead, race is pretty much all we talk about. Every time someone opposes President Obama’s policies because his polices are the policies of a dumb person, there are groups of people who claim that the only reason Obama is opposed is hatred of black people. Now I hate Obama for completely non-racial reasons — I don’t like how his ears stick out — but just try and convince some people you’re not racist if you don’t like him. It’s like they hate the idea there aren’t racists, because they get to yell at racists and they love yelling.

Like the NAACP. They love yelling “Racist!” and do it about as often as a Chihuahua barks (with about as much meaning behind it). So Andrew Breitbart — noted snookerer — comes along with a video showing a black woman, Shirley Sherrod, supposedly being racist, and the NAACP actually decides, “Hey, let’s call a black person racist for a change. It could be fun.” And then the White House, not wanting to look racist in who they consider racist, fires her, and the NAACP has to be pretty surprised and is like, “Why are people actually listening to us now? Is it because this time we’re accusing a black person of racism? That’s racist!”

But then it ends up that the video is of Sherrod telling people how she learned not to judge people on race, so she got fired for not being racist. It’s crazy. And you would think we’d at least learn from this to be more careful of making charges of racism, but then Sherrod went on CNN and accused Breitbart of wanting to bring back slavery. I really don’t think bringing back slavery is politically feasible, but then again I thought ObamaCare was way too unpopular to pass, and somehow that made it through Congress.

So all this race stuff makes us dumb, and as a result we have a big problem with figuring out how to deal with it logically. For instance, blacks in the U.S. were discriminated against and separated into groups based on their skin pigmentation, so the way we fight that is to separate people into groups based on their skin pigmentation, like the Congressional Black Caucus. It’s like we’re chasing our tail on this issue. One day we might even try reviving the Ku Klux Klan in an attempt to fight racism (and though I don’t want to give advice to the Klan, aren’t sheets a horrible uniform if you’re being racist? If you’re all wearing sheets, how can you be sure of the race of the people in your group?).

So what’s the solution to racism? Well, being a smart person with an IQ in the triple digits, I have an idea. Obviously, what everyone has been trying so far doesn’t work, and what they’ve been trying to do is fight against racism. Maybe racism is too ingrained in us to get rid of it. Maybe evolution programmed us to sort people based on easily seen superficial differences — like skin color — and then hate those who are different. If that’s true, then the only logical way to get rid of racism is to go back in time and kill Charles Darwin before he invents evolution. The problem there is that Stephen Hawking says time travel is impossible, and he would know since he’s part robot.

So instead of fighting against the racism hidden inside all of us, maybe the solution is to embrace it … but what we’ll do this time is have all people of all colors hate the same race together.

No, don’t yell out your favorite race to hate (mine’s the Irish); what we’ll do is invent a new race that we’ll teach all our children to hate. They’re called the Puedams (yes, it’s a stupid name, but it’s the name they call themselves because they’re stupid), and they live in a horrible country in a far away land no one would ever want to go to. They have purple skin, which we can all agree is a stupid skin color to have and way dumber than any of the other ones out there. And the Puedamian language is bizarre and sounds like gibberish; any other language would sound like sweet music next to their odd honking and shrieking. And their culture is just way too weird. Like think of the dumbest culture practices you’ve ever seen; the Puedamian culture is way weirder and stupider. In fact, their culture makes everyone else look like sophisticated geniuses in comparison (even the Irish).

And the Puedams are all dishonest. And greedy. And they spend all their time on a sport that everyone agrees is absolutely idiotic and pointless. And they smell funny. And it was their complaining that got Firefly canceled. And they’re lazy. And then there are those stupid hats they wear. I don’t know how to describe them other than to say that the hats are so idiotic you just can’t imagine that any rational human could ever for a moment think that wearing one didn’t make him look like a complete and utter moron. Just thinking of the hats the Puedams wear makes me want to punch them in the face right now — and I know I made them up. That’s how stupid their hats are. Plus, the Puedams are horrible drivers.

So the Puedams are just awful and absolutely deserve our constant and unending hatred, and that’s what we’ll teach our children. The idea is to have them focus so much on hating the Puedams that they have no hatred left for anyone else. Instead of seeing the people around them as being from other races, they’ll just see them as not purple and thus obviously not those horrible Puedams who we all need to work together to keep out of our country. And then children of all races and all nations will march hand in hand at a rally demanding that the subhuman Puedams be hunted down and murdered. Yes, it’s teaching our children racial hatred, but it’s teaching them a hatred that will finally bring us all together as one. So it’s a beautiful thing. Or at least it gets us off the usual tiresome racial discussions we’ve been having lately.

So that’s my solution to finally ending the race issue. The Nobel committee can contact Pajamas Media to get my address to send me my Peace Prize. That comes with a cash reward, right?

Argh! I just thought of those stupid hats again! I so want to strangle a Puedam!