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The Creation According to Atheists

Atheists are often an unfairly feared and scorned group. Many people tend to look upon them with disdain just because they have doubts about theology and like to go on TV and scream about how the majority of Americans are stupid for believing in God. This has led many religious people to have negative misconceptions about atheists, thinking among other things that they are followers of Satan.

That’s ridiculous. Atheists don’t worship Satan. They worship Athor, rational god of logic, who cherishes all that is logical and smites all that is illogical, such as religion. His worshipers leave him gifts of logic, like Sudoku puzzles, at his altar so that Athor might bestow upon them rational thought and they can better spot ideas that are stupid and worth mocking. This leads to the greatest gift Athor has to offer his followers: a feeling of superiority.

Ever notice how many Bibles are labeled “Holy Bible” on the front? Ever wonder what other types of Bibles there are? Atheists learn the teachings of Athor from the “Logical Bible,” as atheists consider “Logical” infinitely better than “Holy.” To help you better understand atheists, here’s part of the story of creation as written in the Logical Bible:

In the beginning, there was nothing, the most logical state for the universe to be in. Though Athor, rational god of logic, approved of such a logical existence, he longed for there to be beings who foolishly believe in irrational things such as religion so that he might laugh at them and their stupidity. Thus Athor set about to create conditions in which such beings would arise in a purely logical and scientific manner. So he created the universe from an infinitely dense and infinitely hot singularity in the Big Bang. And the evening and the morning were the first day.

Photons continued to form as the universe cooled. And the evening and the morning were the second day.

More cooling. And the evening and the morning were the third day.

Again, more cooling. And the evening and the morning were the fourth day. …

Eventually, a planet was formed at the right distance from a star for life to be sustained — as was likely and logical to happen given the size of the universe(s) — and Athor saw it and declared it “good enough.” Thus was formed the planet Earth. And the evening and the morning were the three trillion, three hundred forty-five billion, six hundred eighty-eight million, seven hundred twenty-three thousand, five hundred forty-second day.

The earth cooled. And the evening and the morning were the three trillion, three hundred forty-five billion, six hundred eighty-eight million, seven hundred twenty-three thousand, five hundred forty-third day.

More cooling. And the evening and the morning were the three trillion, three hundred forty-five billion, six hundred eighty-eight million, seven hundred twenty-three thousand, five hundred forty-fourth day. …

Athor determined that the earth was now in such a condition that life might logically form, and thus it became so, through means still unknown though we have many theories about them. Athor’s ways can be enigmatic to us, but eventually we always figure them out and they are no longer so. So while the means by which Athor formed life are currently unknown, we can have faith that the means were quite scientific and logical and by no means mysterious.

And when a single celled organism had formed through completely normal, scientific means, Athor said unto it: “Go forth and multiply and gradually mutate so that you may become more complex entities.” And the single celled organism did as it was told. And the evening and the morning were the three trillion, six hundred one billion, three hundred sixty-three million, eight hundred seventy-two thousand, nine hundred third day.

And the organism continued to multiply. And the evening and the morning were the three trillion, six hundred one billion, three hundred sixty-three million, eight hundred seventy-two thousand, nine hundred fourth day. …

And after two billion years, Athor checked in on his creation to see the progress it had made and exclaimed: “What the what?! It’s been two billion years, and you’re still just single-celled organisms?! How long is this going to take?” And he did pepper his speech with much vulgarity, because he’s not some sort of Christianist who gets hung up on that sort of thing. And the evening and the morning were the four trillion, three hundred thirty-one billion, eight hundred sixty-three million, eight hundred seventy-two thousand, nine hundred third day. …

Eventually, complex organisms formed, and through very scientific, unmysterious processes did come forth plants, the fish of the sea, the avian dinosaurs of the air, and the beasts of the earth — though not necessarily in that order. There were even really big dinosaurs which were totally awesome, although they died out except for things like chickens which aren’t anywhere near as awesome.

And, as logically would happen, on the five trillion, three billion, nine hundred six million, seven hundred thirty-seven thousand, five hundred thirty-second day, modern man arose … not that the generation before it would look any different or be identifiably human, but you have to draw the line somewhere, and we’re drawing it here.

And on the five trillion, three billion, nine hundred six million, seven hundred thirty-seven thousand, five hundred thirty-third day, man did look upon the world, the sky, and the many wonders of existence and did speculate that some marvelous being must have created all its splendor. At this time, did Athor appear to them saying: “There is nothing wondrous to creation, stupids! Its existence follows an extremely logical process — as I ensured it would — and you’d all realize that if you weren’t such willful morons! You make me sick. You’re what’s wrong with this world!” And Athor did laugh heartily at the silly religious types, and it was good.

And on the five trillion, three billion, nine hundred six million, seven hundred thirty-seven thousand, five hundred thirty-fourth day, Athor rested.