First Semester Report Card
Student: Barack (Barry) Hussein Obama
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Subject: Public Speaking
Comment: Barry shows great promise in elocution and rhetoric, but has a regrettable tendency to rely unduly on crib sheets and speech prompters. This has prevented him from achieving an A. Unfortunately, he did not avail himself of the Academy’s library resources, which include several excellent memory training manuals.
Comment: Among Barry’s weakest subjects. He experiences great difficulty identifying his centuries and has very little grasp of historical facts and events. As well, he shows a distinct aversion to diligent research. His instructor was particularly dismayed by his inability to tally the number of states in the union.
Subject: Political Science
Comment: A field of study which Barry would do well to avoid in the future. Fundamental ideas in statecraft appear alien to him. His romantic view of the world and his assumption of personal infallibility breed complacency rather than proficiency.
Comment: Barry shows no understanding of economic theory and seems incapable of mastering the complexities of the discipline. His class projects have advocated solutions to topic problems which would lead to disastrous results in the application.
Comment: A course only recently added to the syllabus. Barry led his cohort group by a wide margin and even exceeded the degree of instructor expertise.
Subject: American Literature
Comment: While not especially well-read or preoccupied by the subject, Barry does not markedly lack potential ability. However, literary studies are not his forte. While making sure to say “present,” he contributed very little to class discussion. Moreover, his taste in poetry is patently abominable (although it is only fair to mention that he has plenty of company in this regard). It would be of great service to him were he to spend his summers reading and reflecting.
Comment: Although this presentable young man recognizes the importance of being in good physical shape and is highly competitive, he did not perform well in organized sports and games. As a result, he failed to make the Academy’s baseball and bowling teams.
Comment: Generally speaking, Barry’s social skills are unexceptionable, except when he is opposed or contradicted, whereupon he falls into a sulk or responds aggressively. This is something he needs to work on.
Subject: Modern Languages
Comment: Barry appears intent on remaining unilingual, aside from a smattering of Bahasa. His French is nonexistent and his German, which he insists on calling “Austrian,” is, to put it candidly, hopeless. Students may not graduate unless they acquire accredited, written, and spoken fluency in at least one language other than the mother tongue.
Subject: Social Studies
Comment: Adept at various annex fields, such as community organizing, arranging conferences, and the mechanics of fundraising, Barry does not perform particularly well in the handling of disciplinary concepts. His knowledge of anthropology remains minimal and sociological theory obviously has no appeal for him. His strength resides in empirical maneuvering and class simulations oddly divorced from the world beyond Academy precincts.
Comment: It pains us to acknowledge a student who demonstrates no aptitude for this important subject and has indeed advocated striking it from the curriculum. Here, his dismal attendance record speaks for itself.
Comment: Barry shows little capacity for independent or skeptical inquiry, but seems content to accept the colorful and problematic hypotheses of his less astute classmates. On critical scientific questions, unreflected opinion serves to influence his thinking rather than conscientious analysis.
Comment: There is no doubt that Barry can act. He is impressively adroit at playing any role he is assigned. His virtuosity in this subject is nonpareil.
Comment: Barry tends to grow confused in differentiating between various religious traditions or isolating their characteristic doctrines and usages. His grasp of the three great monotheistic faiths, Judaism, Christianity, and Islam, is extremely insecure. If he is interested in gaining religious and spiritual knowledge, private, seminary tutelage would be advisable.
Comment: Although Barry has enormous trouble counting, he shows some ability manipulating figures in subdisciplinary practicums, such as real estate computations, tax exercises, or census tabulations. Nevertheless, in all important matters involving mathematical competency, he is largely innumerate.
We at Presidential are committed to delivering the best possible educational experience to our students, as well as furthering their academic success in the years to come. We are extremely proud of the reputation the Academy has acquired over the years. For this reason, it is important to ensure that the Academy remains in the forefront of pedagogical accomplishment, which plainly demands careful triage among the student clientele.
Unfortunately, we cannot recommend that young Barry proceed to the next level of the Presidential program. We therefore suggest that he contemplate a career in theater, where he is certain to excel. Alternatively, he may consider going into politics, his poor showing in political science notwithstanding. In point of fact, this might actually constitute an advantage.
We wish him the best of luck. He is clearly not entirely ungifted and we are confident he will prosper elsewhere.