How To Be a Mainstream Journalist

It’s graduation time and many of you young people just getting out of college are probably thinking, “Hey, the Obama presidency can’t last forever, maybe one day I’ll be able to get a good job.” But then it probably occurs to you, “Oh no, I’ve just spent four years studying utterly useless left wing tripe that has absolutely nothing to do with reality, not to mention the fact that I’ve continually cheated by buying my essays and test answers on line, plus weekends of blackout drinking have caused me to commit acts that have reduced me to a genuinely reprehensible person. Who would want to hire me now?”

Well, good news. After four years of nonsensical leftism, dishonesty and poor behavior, you’ve acquired just the sort of qualifications you need to become a mainstream media journalist. That’s right, you could soon be standing in front of a studio green screen with a picture of an exotic place chroma keyed onto it, experiencing all the thrill of lying about people and misrepresenting events.

But wait. Before you can enter the exciting world of mainstream journalism, there are a few things you need to know.

A Mainstream media journalist needs to be able to tell the difference between an example and an exception. An example is something that almost never happens, but is very important because it exemplifies an idea you want people to believe. A Christian who murders people in the name of his religion is an example because, while very nearly unique, he exemplifies the evils of Christianity. A Muslim who murders people in the name of his religion is an exception. An exception is something that occurs all the time, but exemplifies something a mainstream journalist doesn't want people to know: namely the truth.

As a mainstream journalist, you'll also need to know the difference between a minority who must be praised and an ordinary person who can be viciously attacked. A black Democrat, for instance, is a minority and anyone who criticizes him is therefore a racist. A black Republican is just a person and may be safely called an Oreo and compared to a house slave from Gone with The Wind.  Women are also a minority because they’re the majority but vote Democrat.

Finally, as a mainstream journalist, you'll need to know the difference between a heinous unforgivable crime and a gray area. For instance, when Mitt Romney said he reviewed binders full of women as job applicants, that was the heinous crime of violently shoving women into binders. It was also part of the Republican war on women, so it was actually a war crime. When Bill Clinton was plausibly accused of raping and forcibly molesting women and Hillary Clinton slandered and helped silence his accusers... that was a gray area because sex is really a private matter between a Democrat and his victims.

If you can understand these simple rules, you could be ready for an entry level position in the mainstream news media — unless of course you have some serious psychological illness or character flaw - then you can skip the entry level and go straight to being an anchorman.

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