If Hillary Clinton is elected to the White House, she will be the first woman to be president in the same sense Amelia Earhart was the first woman to fly around the world. That is, we’ll all be expected to pay lip service to the effort no matter what kind of disaster it is. To be fair, however, this repeatedly dishonest, barely competent, desiccated, privileged, entitled wife of someone accomplished would almost certainly be a better president than the one we have now. Which consideration got me to thinking: If all they’re looking for is a first woman president who’d be better than Obama, can’t the Dems do better than Hillary?
Here are some suggestions:
1. Zooey Deschanel: Don’t you think? She’s so cute and zany. She’s female. She’d be a better president than Obama. And she never greeted the death of four good Americans by promising to punish a YouTube video maker who had nothing to do with it — and then fulfilled that promise by pressuring the police to arrest the video guy and slap him into prison. Plus those adorable bangs would enliven any press conference.
2. Scarlett Johansson: Female; better than Obama. And, I mean, if we’re going to have a woman president why not a What-A-Woman President? Va-va-va-voom, am I right, boys? Also, she never lied to protect her husband’s political career while allowing the women her husband abused to be publicly excoriated by his corrupt minions. If ever a powerful male sex abuser silenced his female victims it was then, and one thing we can say for certain: Scarlett Johansson was in no way a party to it. And let’s face it, Scarlett got short-changed in The Avengers. I mean, pistols? What kind of boring super power is that? Oh, and there’s this: she’s Jewish. How come the media are concerned for every minority to take a turn in the White House except Jews? And Hispanics who are Republican?
3. Lucille Ball: Female; better than Obama; and dead, so she can’t do any damage. And not once, during her entire life, did she ever “press the reset button,” with a Russian tyrant, tacitly encouraging him to acts of conquest and imperialism that threaten to drive us into a new Cold War against a nuclear enemy. Although she did once get her foot caught in a trash can, which was kind of Hillary-like, I admit, only it was funny when Lucy did it.
4. Taraji P. Henson: As someone who opposes racism, I’ve worried that having the first black president be an utter incompetent might unfairly prejudice some voters against future black candidates. So here’s someone who’s not only female, not only would be a better president than Obama, but would also be black at the same time. Taraji, of course, plays Cookie, the sassy ex-con wife on Empire — and wouldn’t it be great to see her sashay into the middle of a meeting of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and really set them straight? I mean, this is the woman who delivered the line, “If you want Cookie’s nookie, you gotta ditch the bitch.” I’d like to see the Joint Chiefs try to handle that, by jingo. There’s also the fact that she didn’t take enormous donations from foreign sources while serving as secretary of State and then ditch her emails so her actions on the public dime couldn’t be examined.
Any one of these choices would be better than Hillary, better than Obama and female, which last is very important for our nation’s well-being because something something something.