Gay Squirrel!

If I could reach into the heart of humankind and pluck one flaw from its unknowable depths, it would be our seemingly irresistible desire to tell one another what to do. Think of the results! The Democratic Party would vanish in an instant. The federal budget would shrink to the size of a compact car payment. And all religions would be Christianity at its best. We could still continue to enjoy our pride, lust, greed and gluttony while feeling morally superior to our neighbors' pride, lust, greed and gluttony. We just wouldn't be able to do anything about it. It would be like — oh, I don't know — like living in America again. Free country. To each his own. That's what makes for horse races. And all that.

I'm not a lawyer and so will read what lawyers say for a few days before forming any opinion of the Supreme Court's latest decisions on gay marriage. But as for the likely practical results of those decisions, I can tell you already: I don't care. I believe the advent of no-fault divorce gutted marriage of any beneficent legal meaning, and so the government should simply get out of the business altogether and leave the whole thing to contract law and church ceremony.

As for the morality of it, God gives each of us one set of sexual apparatus and that, as far as I'm concerned, is His way of telling us to mind our own f---ing business. If it turns out these court decisions somehow abridge the right of Muslims to topple walls onto the heads of homosexuals, well, by golly, I will speak out stridently for freedom of religion. But if the only thing that happens is that gay people get to pledge to love and honor one another until a Muslim wall do them part, somehow I'm going to press on more or less unscathed. Hell, I'm an Episcopalian. In my church, if you sleep with a goat while taking communion during Lent, you get, like, a time out. We're just not very strict about these things.