Thank God You Don't Live in the Mind of a Journalist!

Chris Matthews, right, host of "Hardball" on MSNBC, answers a question as fellow MSNBC hosts Lawrence O'Donnell, center, and Rachel Maddow look on at the NBC Universal summer press tour, Tuesday, Aug. 2, 2011, in Beverly Hills, Calif. (AP Photo/Chris Pizzello)

If you’re too ungrateful to thank God for living in America, at least you can thank Him for the fact that you’re not living in the imaginations of our journalists and commentators. Good golly! The catastrophes going on in those dank and fetid places would be just terrible if they were actually happening in real life.


Consider the mind of Carl Bernstein over at CNN. There’s a bona fide constitutional crisis going on in there! I know this because Bernstein said so. “We’re in a constitutional crisis,” he said. What’s the constitutional crisis, you might ask. The constitutional crisis is that reporters say sources say the president of the United States is thinking about firing Special Counsel Robert Mueller! Wow. That is a crisis. It’s like that time a guy cut me off in traffic and I wanted to kill him so they had to take him to the morgue. The imaginary world is dangerous.

And if that’s not bad enough, over at MSNBC, Joy Reid had President Trump arrested. Just imagine: the president arrested! Wait, you don’t have to imagine it. Joy did it for you with the help of former Watergate prosecutor Nick Ackerman.

“Let’s say that Donald Trump decides he doesn’t want to give an interview with Mueller, but Mueller says ‘Oh, but you will.’ And he’s subpoenaed to be interviewed by Robert Mueller. And Donald Trump simply says, ‘I don’t recognize that subpoena…’ How would they enforce it?” Joy asked.

“One way to enforce it is to have Donald Trump taken by the federal marshals and put into federal prison until he testifies,” replied Ackerman.

“What if he refuses to open the White House door?” asked Joy. “”What if he fires any Secret Service agent who would allow the federal marshals in? What if Donald Trump simply decides I don’t have to follow the law?”


Gee, things were really getting serious inside Joy’s head! I’m glad the cameras were rolling so we could catch it all.

Over at Hardball, in Chris Matthew’s imagination, Trump is starting a war with Syria to distract us from the Mueller investigation. And on The Van Jones ShowAl Gore — who used to be somebody, but I forget who — says the challenge America is facing “is stiffer than any we’ve faced in my lifetime.” And he lived through a presidential assassination, so things in his imagination must be really bad!

They’re even worse in the minds of the ladies of The View, where Madeleine Albright joined the hen party to warn us that, in her head, “President Trump could turn America into a fascist country.” And we all know that Trump is a fascist because of all the times he extended the power of the president beyond its constitutional limits. And okay, I can’t name one. But then I’m not living in a journalist’s head. Thank the Lord!

President Trump is a big, obstreperous personality with a chaotic style of governance. But when I turn off the television and look around at, you know, reality, I can’t help noticing that everything’s pretty much tickety-boo. Economy good. Terrorists dead. Dictators ready to negotiate.


But I know: that’s only in reality. In the imaginations of journalists, it’s a crisis every day!

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