From Ward Yud: Notes from a Hospital Bed
Given the various medications I am on, and the need to use my left hand to hold down pieces of cotton stopping blood tests from leaking, etc., please forgive my typos.
It is 3:01 p.m. and my eyes suddenly pop open right onto the clock. Looming above me is the chief thoracic surgeon who looks like an aging Green Bay Packers’ linebacker about to sack a quarterback — me. Fortunately, I already met him. And I respect and trust him. “This is Dr. —,” says the orderly, ” … and he’s going to remove the tube draining blood from your lung.”
And remove it he does. His teeth are bared, he growls. It would be comical if it weren’t so scary but I know he means me no harm. His huge hands reach out and literally tear it out of me. It hurts, but I must admit he is skillful and the pain is gone in seconds; before the sting ends, he sews me up. The orderly puts on the gauze and for the first time in three days I enjoy the ultimate human luxury — not being tied to some piece of medical equipment by a tube. It is heaven.
The staff is good, though not all charming. I don’t like talking to doctors; they bring out the pessimism in me, even despair. I remain on a steady line of safety tips and good advice thanks to my mother-in-law, a lung expert who has flown over from New York and keeps giving her calming professional opinion.
I quickly realize two things. First, most of us are years out of date in our medical knowledge and thus don’t realize how much progress has been made. My mother-in-law muses that her own father wrote a book about lung cancer 40 years ago.
And I ask, “There must have been a lot of progress since then?”
“Oh no,” she says, “there hasn’t.”
My heart sinks.
“But there’s been incredible progress in the last 5-10 years.”
Thank you for this moving and beautifully-written history! You and your family are in my prayers.
Prof. Rubin: Please share your full Hebrew name (and that of your mother’s) with us so that we may offer a Mi Sheberach for you as a choleh this Shabbath. Refuah Shlemah.
Hang in there and win and get better.
Thank you, Prof. Rubin. God be with you and with your family and friends – may you continue to enjoy the peace and joy of Life and God.
I have heard once you have cancer you are never feel completely free of it. I hope that passes in your case.
Not true. They found a nasty sarcoma in my outer left thigh in 2000 and gave me a 50% chance of surviving for five years. This “fibrous hystiocytoma” was so rare – less than 1/2% of all cancers – that I knew from the weasel words from day one that they didn’t know much about it because they hadn’t seen enough such tumors and I was a guinea pig. I told them this was a nuclear war between me and my tumor – to be as aggressive as they knew how and leave the rest to me. They did surgery, chemo – which really sucks – and radiation, then monitored me for five years. This is 2012. I am cured, not in remission. God be praised. They were not ready for me upstairs, and sent me back to torment political liberals for a few more years, which is now my mission and hobby:-))
My experience sensitized me to those who must live in the face of death for several weeks, even years, not knowing their outcome for sure. When I was in that situation I resolved to a) fight like hell, and b) show my friends and family how to face death with grace and dignity. After all, we all begin to die the moment we are born – the only open questions are when, where and how.
The only good thing about cancer is that it gives one an opportunity to prepare and make things right if possible. My preparations included a world farewell tour and a huge party before bidding farewell. Those plans had to be shelved for the inevitable future opportunity when, not if, it comes.
It’s a tragedy that the world situation drives you to spend your time writing on geo-politics. I can’t wait for your memoirs (when you reach 120).
Also, “I don’t like talking to doctors; they bring out the pessimism in me, even despair “ … nu, after decades of writing about the Middle East it takes a doctor to bring out your pessimism?
Mr. Rubin–You have been in my prayers, and, of course, Israel and the Middle East, as well. As a Presbyterian minister, it fascinates me that two of the personnel aiding in your treatment and recovery are, apparently, Arab Christians.
I am in my second day of training now as a Hospital Chaplain Resident. This is a new adventure for me, as I have served as pastor of 5 different congregations over the past 28 years of ministry! So, I will see up close much of what you are going through, and I pray that God will use me to help bring peace, comfort, and hope to patients, families, and hospital staff.
God Bless You!
Thank you for this, Barry.
Choking back tears, I will go and hug my children.
This a pearl of a comment, extremely valuable and meaningful to our dear Barry.
I don’t understand how anyone faces such problems! Keep thinking and writing. It will strengthen you.
Naively, my comfort comes from quantum electrophysics. Some time ago, Hawking had to concede that no information in the universe is ever destroyed. As well, our seeming three-dimensional world seems to persist on a two-dimensional “brane” – something like a membrane. In my childish mind these hard-science observations say that our brain organizations (as well as our bodies) are also someplace else, thus holding out the possibility of eternal life for our molecular organization, at least as information, if not physical composition. My teacher speaks about “soul energy” that results from performing good deeds in this world. The more good deeds, the sharper the image on the brane. It is a religious view, but not devoid of the strange reality of the quantum world. On the basis of this strangeness, it is my hope that we will all persist together in the world-to-come, closest with those we love and who love us.
God Bless You Professor Rubin. Your observations in that hospital bed are the window into your heart and I can see it is one overflowing with the love of God and family. It is times like this that bring such clarity and poignancy to life and what a privilege to experience a bird’s eye view from the sidelines.
Professor Rubin – a very sincere Refuah Shleimah from Atlantic Canada.
Get well soon.
Tears. I will pray for you. All my thoughts are too dark to share. Sit in the sun, look up at the sky, search your heart of God’s peace and let the world spin.
Barry,
I am so proud that we publish you. Thank you for sharing this beautiful writing about such a profound and wrenching experience. You made this agonistic cry and perhaps question himself. May your convalescence be full and swift. Your family needs you and so do the rest of us.
Roger
You made this agonistic cry
Roger,
That may be the most philosophically and theologically interesting typo I have ever seen.
“This is not about fame, this is not about wealth, this is not about power. It is about how — or whether — at the end those who know us best love us best.” Barry Rubin
Dear Mr. Rubin,
First of all, I pray that the King of the Universe will look down with mercy on your life and health. I believe He has sent to you His Spirit, so He has already had mercy on your soul. Your words remind me of a Country Music song.
“It’s not who you know or what you do, It’s who you love and who loves you.” Don Williams
http://www.zlyrics.net/it-s-who-you-love-lyrics-159148.html
Here are some helpful references regarding current and possible future treatment of unresectable lung cancer. I hope this information will be of some help to you in discussions with your physicians.
http://www.uptodate.com/contents/non-small-cell-lung-cancer-treatment-stage-iv-cancer-beyond-the-basics
http://www.alnylam.com/Programs-and-Pipeline/Partner-Programs/Liver-Cancer.php
Beautifully scribed and poignant. G-d Bless you, sir. Be well.
That you can write such a moving piece from a hospital bed should inspire us who are more healthy and hardy to do more and be more than we are. May you live to 120 – “ahd meah v’esrim” as my late father would say. We need you.
Fight the good fight, Barry, and WIN.
We need you.
Doctors only know what they know. Twenty years ago I was diagnosed with colon cancer. And here I still am. The surgeon, after examining me said: “I’m not going to talk to you about odds. Odds are just numbers doctors discuss among themselves at conferences.”
The doctor knows what’s in his medical books. He does not know you. We’re with you. Get well.
When you are not surrounded and distracted by your loved ones ask Hashem to help you every moment you can. Ask ask ask Hashem, this is your right as a Jew. You can find a favorite psalm and repeat it vocally and in your mind
“Hashem please help me” — How hard is this.
Thank you. As I sit here at work in the Emergency Room, I take a moment to compose myself. Your beautiful story makes it oddly… better to do this work.
Thanks for reminding us of these ultimate issues.
I will have the old ladies praying for Barry in Israel at morning mass.
Ummmmm what’s an “orderly”?? Was this written in the 1950′s?
Orderlies are what they’ve always been. They help by doing whatever is required of them. From moving patients around to helping a doctor with a patient,and yes they’re still around and still called orderlies.
Thanks for an extraordinarily ignorant and pointless response. In fact, “orderlies” DO NOT exist in a hospital and haven’t for 40+ years probably. You should try harder to inform yourself about a topic before opening the cake hole.
While the term “orderly” is usually not used any more in the United States, this hospital was not in the United States.
And you should try to be more polite. It saves apologizing when it turns out that you have paid insufficient attention to avoid making incorrect assertions.
Nope! Ignorant person. Orderlies don’t exist. You are simply clueless and thanks for your lesson on being polite. Thanks. What else do you have to teach us?
And if you are going to troll, you should consider making the 1/2-second effort to look in the help wanted ads, where you will see current advertisements for orderlies.
Yeah!! Hahahaha. Because those ads don’t exist and the job doesn’t exist! Amazing!
Dear Barry:
Thank you for this beautiful article. We are lucky to have such a good medical system in Israel and that there is access to it for all.
Please keep writing pieces like this – they would make a lovely, inspiring book for anyone who has ever been in a hospital, visited a hospital, worked in a hospital – in short, each and every one of us.
I will be in the Old City of Jerusalem this weekend and will put a note in the Wall for your recovery
Mazal Tov on the Bar Mitzvah of your son.
Numbers 6, 22-27
Thank you, especially for the last paragraph.
Wishes of healing and recovery from Australia.
Hope to enjoy your writings for a long time yet.
Thank you!
I, too am teary eyed. I am praying for you as well.
Dear Professor Rubin.
You are my adopted Teacher on Middle East and humanity. I am optimistic that we will have many more years to learn. You are needed. Stay strong.
With deepest respect and admiration,
Anatoly
Dear Prof. Rubin,
Yesterday, as I read this very moving and courageous text, I remembered Emmanuel Levinas. I do not know you (personally) but all that I have read tells me that family, others, world (Israel/USA etc) are more important than selfhood. Your life is a life of going beyond the all too narrow confines of the self. That, by itself, is admirable. But you have done more. The books you have written and will continue to write. The just causes that animate your being. The loving family that stands beside you. All of this, outside of the self, yet part of it, is a life of plenitude.
Fight this disease as Israel has fought for its survival.
Fight it without concessions.
Next year, the year after and so on, I will be reading your new books.
I am sure of it.
Liberal
Dear Mr. Rubin-
The prayers of this humble and unworthy Mormon are with you. God speed your recovery. God’s peace to you and your family.
Martin
All the best Mr. Rubin.
May you be strong and healthy and stay for a long time with your loved ones and with us, your readers!
I had posted my BEST WISHES and PRAYERS
yesterday, but the post disappeared, so here I am again:
GODSPEED !
Dr. Rubin,
My respect and admiration for your bravery, knowledge, talent and srength. My prayers for your health and your loving family.
Refuah shlema, dear Barry Rubin.
Refuah shlema, Barry Rubin. I am in tears. Thank you for your beautiful words for all of the wisdom that you share with us, and for such stunningly beautiful reflections on the most important things in life. May G-d grant you a full recovery. I pray you will have healthier days ahead, and see simchas. For a piece on such a terrible thing as cancer, and death, this was uplifting and inspiring and life-affirming. My best wishes for a full and complete recovery in the hands of the very talented, smart and caring physicians in Israel.
May the good Lord bless you and keep you, shine his face upon you, and grant you peace.
From Texas, New Mexico and Kentucky, USA, I’ve been reading your work and donating from a combat disability to your cause for some years. Can’t remember how many as dementia now rules.
This is the best you’ve ever done. My only writtenresponse to you, ever. Made me weep. Is like reading from the lives and times of John and Abigail Adams, which literature in letters had impressed me the most, till now.
I’ll send more money when I get some. We all need you to stay alive.
jc
Dear Mr. Rubin:
I have been praying for you and wish you a speedy recovery. I am thankful, and so moved by your ability to share your experience. I work in a capacity that has been aided by your illuminating writing on the middle east, which is sorely missing from the main stream media.