Hi there, Johnny! Wouldn't you like to join us over at the Hot, Sexy Yoga Class? Financing is available....
In the two years since my separation and ultimate divorce, I have learned exactly one thing per annum:
- You can’t count on nobody. (Mr. Editor: Please leave intact.)
- Everyone’s got an angle — and it’s an angle that directly benefits them.
Let me give you an example.
My buddy (and employee — watch out for the angle) Begunga Mike strolls into my office one day and sits down directly across from me. [For the story of how Mike got his Begunga moniker see my blog here.] He eyes me appraisingly, then crosses his humongous, sandled right foot over his left thigh. (No, we don’t have a dress code.)
This is a bad sign. It means he’s trying to enlist me in some sort of scheme, and of course the scheme addresses his needs as well as (allegedly) mine.
Mike is a tall and well-built guy, mid 30s, with an almost psychopathic self-confidence. He might be a Bosnian or Russian or maybe even German soldier in one of those cheesy Army flicks that play at 1 AM on the local infomercial station. High Slavic cheekbones, prominent and bumpy nose, direct and unflinching grey eyes, short, sometimes shaven scalp, and long, well-groomed digits above and below (the girls like his feet — that’s why he wears sandals) — all contribute to his air of supreme mastery of and dominion over all that he comes into contact with.
He thinks he’s funny, too.
He begins with his usual loaded question:
I haven’t ever steered you wrong, have I?
(Hint: “No” is not an acceptable answer.)
A couple of questions about the “Power Yoga” video:
1) If I can’t find a Greek column inexplicably sticking up out of the sand at the beach, how am I supposed to do those spread-legged handstands?
2) Also, do I absolutely need to work out under a waterfall, or will the Mega Monster Slide at Water World do?
Thank you.
All serious yoga devotees carry portable ez-crunch pillars in their gym bags…you never know when you’ll run into a beach….
As far as the waterfall versus the waterpark: The yoga message should reach as diverse an audience as possible. So Downward Dog all day long under the Mega-Monster water slide – those kids in swim diapers are our future!(And maybe their yummy mommies will want some instruction too!)
Funny story John, and I dont think its an insult to women, it is what it is, some people are respectable and some are not. If anything, it insults your wing man…who really isn’t much of a man. Thanks for the laugh..I always love to read your writings. You never fail to put a smile on my face!
This article was an insult to women. I shall now go off in a huff and write something nasty about it at my new location at AOL . . . .
. . . . while it’s still there . . . .
. . . . . and the stock price hasn’t dropped through the floor . . . .
Great descriptions on Begunga Mike.
You know you had a great time!!!
Enjoyed reading it and even more CMO and I enjoyed the videos.
Dear John, (I always wanted to write that!)
I have one word for you: Nurses. If you are over 50, and have a good health plan, go get tested. What you test really is not the problem. If you’re over 50, you can get any test you want. Tell them your feet are kinda numb, or that you have strange twitching, or even that you just feel tired. Have a colonoscopy. This will open up a world inhabited by the very best human beings in the entire world: Nurses.
Nurses have certain drawbacks, but they are usually the same as the average working man’s. They work strange hours. They must work, even if a snowstorm comes. There are real pressures that they must deal with. They live in a reality-based world…you know…like men.
The advantages are also interesting. They are not squeamish. They are direct, not given much to play games. They are used to dealing with problems directly. If they don’t people die. You know…like men.
So, go have a bunch of tests. Talk with your nurse buddies (and they are almost all your buddies). Lots of them are divorced, because their previous spouse wanted their complete attention, which they can’t really do. Lots of them are single moms, because they were young and foolish, and nursing gave them the means to support themselves and their child.
The fact that perfectly wonderful nurses are going to waste, while some self-centered evil bitch tortures some schmuck makes me sick.
I only have one point to make: don’t ever treat them badly. God will never forgive you.
And don’t ever listen to Cossacks called Begunga Mike. Love and lust are not equivalent. Good hunting.
Absolutely correct! I have recently discovered the world of the medical woman, and it’s great! Mine is a physician’s assistant, but she started as a nurse. Totally honest, pulls no punches, AND, very intelligent. You don’t get to slouch through nursing school…
John,
LMAO… Brilliant response, and my friend you are 100% spot on, I am currently stuck on a seismic vessel off the coast of Kenya commonly called Pirate Alley… The ship is crewed by a bunch of eurosissies, whinging snot nosed f**kwits… among them are two ‘females’, they are your typical bland indoctrinated mousey haired unwashed feminazi’s.. even though both are technically at the bottom of the food change as mere technicians they rule the roost, Oh did I mention the ship and the crew are Norwegian.
Me and my buddies are former SF and Iraq, Afghanistan veterans, protecting them so of course who do these two gronks hit on, you got it the real men onboard…shish I wouldn’t touch them with Abbas’s dong never mind my own…
Suffice it to say we hate it, I think this is the worst punishment I have ever had, beening forced to share a small confined space with pacifist Zombies 5 weeks at a time…
We pray for some pirates to get aboard and run amok, truly horrible guys that we are we have actually thought about allowing the pirates to get on and really put the wind up them… lets see how these pu**ies would deal with it..
On the Nurse… spot on, being a Paramedic I can truly attest to that… those girls are worth their weight in gold..
Thanks for the pick me up… all the lads have read it and are grinning like Cheshire Cats,
Cheers,
Doc
How astute you are John J. Nurses are the bomb!
Mr Nampion,
You most certainly need to change your ‘Wingman’ and if he is your subordinate then detail him off to clean out the tampon box in the ladies room, and as one of your readers/responders wrote, go get yourself a grounded and realist, no time for BS I just want good long hard shagging Nurse… Its way better than yoga…. Now going to read your Begunga Mike story and your other adventures..
Thanks for laugh bro
Doc and his assorted ne’r do wells,
Pirate Alley…