John Nampion vs. The Hometown Community Homeowners Association
I first noticed him about a month ago, directly across the street from me, staring intently at my house. He would break his gaze occasionally and scribble furiously on a little notepad.
No, he wasn’t standing there — he was seated comfortably in a very luxurious golf-cart, on the sidewalk, at the edge of my neighbor’s driveway. He looked lean and angular and snappy in his white and dark green Polo shirt and freshly pressed brown shorts. His golf cap wasn’t the cheap canvas kind with air-holes in it and the adjustable Velcro band in the back — this cap was fitted, and would’ve retailed in the pro shop for about $35.00.
Of course the left chest of his Polo, the cap, and the side of the cart were emblazoned with the moniker of the “homeowners association” (HOA) that regulates every nuance of my domestic life, from the color of the rubbish receptacles I use (Terracotta Canyon Red for the recyclables, Santan Village Adobe for the regular stuff), to their positioning on trash day (“Association member must take care to securely fasten lid on all repositories, and place them no more than three feet to the right of member driveway, on the surface abutting the Association common curb” – which I think means “the street” — I haven’t asked), to the number and type of plants that populate the front, back, and side yards of each member’s property.
I hadn’t seen too many of these vehicles up close before — and to be locked eyeball-to-eyeball with an actual association employee — well, that was an unusual occurrence, for sure. You might see the “official use” Lincoln Navigators with ultra-dark window tinting driving around town now and again, or the golf carts stuffed tight with top dignitaries at Fourth of July or Veterans Day extravaganzas, but to be this close to an actual investigator, well, this wasn’t an everyday treat, that’s for sure.
At least not to a working stiff like me. Maybe this kind of interaction was common to the retired and disabled and chronically unemployed, but, again, for Johnny N it was a bit of a shock to be so squarely in the cross-hairs of one of these selfless and very likely non-bribeable bureaucrats.
I stood in my driveway and glared at him. Or tried to … but his sunglasses blocked his eyes. His mustache would shimmy and undulate while he wrote … but no emotion was visible. After he finished his staring and scribbling he nodded briefly to me and sped off — at the legally proscribed 7.5 miles per hour.
***
I had forgotten about the encounter until about a week later, when I got an e-mail (and a letter) from the HOA. It said there was a “housing” matter for me to address, and I could find it at a certain link — I only need point and click and it would all be made clear.
So I did — and up popped a photo of my house, obviously taken by my friend the gumshoe. All in all it was a tranquil picture, featuring my car, the driveway, a little bit of the garage, the tree to the right of my driveway, and some of the cacti to the left of it. At the bottom of the photo the following caption appeared:
VIOLATION.
I searched in vain for what the violation was, but no explanation was given. It gave me “three business days” to fix the issue and listed a phone number to call if I had any questions.
I was very nervous.
Urban Dictionary: “a peckerwood is a redneck, terms that describe similar groups of people are trailer trash or white trash but neither of those have the same effect or ring to them as peckerwood does.”
Insulting name-calling directed at a man making a living, doing his job is not humor. I see why you have trouble getting along with people. Really funny would be Mr. Peckerwood suing you for libel. He has a case.
That the peckerwood is, in fact, a peckerwood is an affirmative defense.
It amazes me that any conservative would use the term “peckerwood” (invented by Blacks) to denigrate a descendant of the ethnic group that won the war that allowed this country to be founded. The Ulster-Scots (Scots-Irish) were the backbone of the American revolutionary movement (Saratoga, Bennington, Kings Mountain, Cowpens and a hundred fights across Georgia and the Carolinas). Did you ever hear of Alvin York, Audie Murphy, Carlos Hathcock? America’s wars have been won by men of their background. You have put yourself in the company of Leftist metrosexuals when you spit on this ethnic group.
Peckerwood is as peckerwood does.
Best way to avoid HOA hell is to never buy a property subject to one.
For all the complaints about Homeowner’s Associations, the folks complaining signed the acknowledgement that they had read the covenants, including fees, and agreed to abide by them. Most are pretty silly, but the folks who live in them want to be in control of their neighbors (and be controlled by their neighbors), so why complain?
I appreciate the humor as my wife is secretary of our HOA. However, our HOA is pretty powerless. I can’t park my boat in front of the house, but the covenants don’t preclude me putting the car up on blocks in the front yard, as I’ve threatened. I didn’t buy in places that had restrictive covenants.
We are the Homepwners Association. We are here to help.
That was an interesting eye-opener, thanks. To avoid assault and battery charges or even a conviction for first degree murder, I’ll refrain from ever getting into a Home Owners Association. The world is filling with non-entities who like to exercise their Hitlerian genes. I once rented a garden plot in a lovely complex in West Hollywood where I found a small group who liked to terrorize the rest of the gardeners with rules and regulations. I found my Vlad Tepesh DNA coming to the fore and stunted their growth for the next decade without even bashing any of them in their heads with a spade (which I was prepared to do if a verbal attack didn’t do it.)
Okay, but when you buy a home in one of those kinds of communities, don’t you buy into that whole HOA enforcement thing? Or are you saying that the rules are being enforced more stringently than they need to be? I personally have always avoided living in those kinds of places. My mom and I were once talking about them, and I told her I thought they were un-American. She, a naturalized citizen, was surprised. “Isn’t it very American?” she asked. “Majority rules?” I said “No, mom. American is when you get your gun and say ‘get off my property!’” But that’s me. I’m sure there are many, many advantages.
like having your property liened for putting up an unapproved fixture/plant/paintjob until it gets “approved” by some mythical hoa “board of directors”
pray you never put up a flag pole- especially if you plan to fly “old glory”
http://www.theblaze.com/stories/ohio-veteran-fighting-hoa-to-fly-american-flag-on-pole-outside-house/
or
http://www.dipnoid.com/2009/12/7-ridiculous-homeowners-association-hoa-rules/
this is why i refuse to have anything to do with living in an hoa home.
Comrade,
I don’t understand why you are upset. You joined the HOA and have the rules.
The rules must not be questioned, but OBEYED!!
Now be a good little socialist and quit complaining.
I used to live in a place that had an HOA, replete with clipboard toting nosy neighbors. I voted with my feet.
People today live further and further away from cities. They don’t even bother with the suburbs any more. If you want your children to grow up healthy, sane, and curious enough to experiment with stuff in the back yard, you can not live in an HOA. Whatever your kids are interested in, they want it done somewhere else.
I have come to the conclusion that an HOA is an opportunity for people with no life to assume the reigns of power and to impose their little minds upon those who have better things to do. It is a disease that infests itself far too often, and continues only because good people refuse to put a stop to it.
If you can’t join an HOA board, you can get the same satisfaction telling posters who violate ideological purity to get lost. I don’t know about golf carts, but they like to patrol PJM.
Lots of people were stupid enough to think that living in a “community” with a homeowners’ association would help to protect their property values, in exchange for their willingness to follow what turned out to be a very open-ended set of restrictions on their daily lives.
Well, guess what…in an era of declining housing prices and foreclosures brought about by the housing bubble, NOTHING protects your property values. You’ve given up your freedom for NOTHING. How does that feel?
one of my old and feisty neighbors in the old hoa neighborhood gave me a tried and true tactic to get the hoa to back off (at least for a bit)– threaten to sell your home for 70/80% below property value
In Glendale, AZ, I once got ticketed by the “building codes and standards department” for my Porsche not having a license plate on it in the driveway. When I called and asked what the problem was, they told me it was “to keep people from accumulating junk cars in their yards and driveways”.
“junk cars”——
When I told them I had the car up for sale and wanted people to see it, they told me, “Well, just back it up to the garage, I can’t ticket what I can’t see.”
*sigh*.
This is exaclty why I bought a house in a nice little cul-de-sac with no HOA.
Welcome to Suburbia. However did we manage without HOAs?
Better get used to it. Soon, this will be the norm everywhere in America.
Why in the world does anybody move into a neighborhood controlled by a homeowner’s association? This is a serious question. Talk about petty tyranny — that you get to pay EXTRA for.
Why? Because any house in a neighborhood that is less than 30 years old either 1) has an HOA, or 2) is overrun by Section 8 subsidized rentals occupied by people who own neither a lawn mower nor a sprikler.
In San Diego, almost every decent neighborhood has an HOA. HOA’s are not all bad. If they provide services and amenities that you value, that money you pay in fees is worth it. However, if your HOA is administered by a property management company, you will find a lot that they do not care one bit about the people in the neighborhood. The concept of an HOA is not a bad one, you should do some research on the HOA before buying into a home that is part of one.
I feel for you John, I had a dispute with my HOA where I felt like I had no leverage. I had to threaten them with a lawsuit to even get the manager to talk to me. What’s more, I wound up getting most of my money back that was in dispute, but I still lost over a $100 and had to deal with a lot of non-sense.
The guy in the mustache? Well, at least he’s got a job, . . . maybe a dirty one, but, “somebody’s gotta do it”, . . .
My version of that story, I got the letter and the picture. First problem, it was not a picture of my house!. I called and was told to protest on a web site. Then silence for about 2 months, then an $100 fine.
Sadly, you might have to pay the fine and then sue them to get your money back. Good luck.
Yeah, well that’s what your gonna get whenever and wherever little minds gather, perhaps you should move if this sort of thing bothers you because that guy has to keep finding violations to justify getting his paycheck. Of course there is one other thing you can do and that is to befriend the snoopy little creep, most likely he is lonely, guys like him don’t usually have many friends but the ones they do have won’t be getting citations.
if you want to voluntarily give up your private property rights in exchange for living in a COMMUNity where everything is the same then hoa’s might be for you
they use the line about “no neighborly blight” and higher “property values” to attract suckers into their webs; never again for me
we just bought a new house in this crap economy, taking a huge gamble if the economy tanks again, mainly to leave the arbitrary nannyish fiefdom of our old hoa neighborhood
pro·scribe (pr-skrb)
1. To denounce or condemn.
2. To prohibit; forbid. See Synonyms at forbid.
3. a. To banish or outlaw (a person).
3. b. To publish the name of (a person) as outlawed.
On the other matter, you forfeited your right to complain about HOA behaviour when you voluntarily joined the HOA.
Thanks for the grammer help, Mark v – I guess anyone stupid enough to live in an HOA is ignorant enough to not know how to check out thesaurus.com…I liked the sound of the word, I guess…pass banana to Koko the Gorilla….
Of course maybe 7.5 mph is speeding – then I would be ok, right?
There has to be a Hollywood thriller in here someplace.
I can see the poster “The Association”, a bright high class subdivision, the kids on trikes and a mom with a stroller center-right foreground with ominous clouds rolling up on the horizon just behind the menacing man with the polo shirt and clipboard standing athwart his HOA-approved color scheme golf cart in the left-side back-foreground.
It’s called “Over the Hedge”.
“The Association”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wl3qWbHetB4
About: The Association is an upcoming feature film about an innocent
family who rebels against the strict rules of their obsessive
Homeowners Association. What follows is an epic battle that turns
their American dream into a suburban nightmare.
Produced in 2006 as a low-budget taste of the style and story of The
Association, director Andrew Wahlquist led a small crew and volunteer
cast staring Michael Hitchcock (Best in Show, A Mighty Wind) to create
10 scenes from the script as a showcase teaser for the packaging and
development of the feature.
GrammAR. You’re welcome.
Wow…two clinkers in one post…I feel like Dizzy trying to play “Salt Peanuts” at age 78…it just doesn’t happen like it used to.
I had better watch it with you folks…nothing slips by you at all…even the Peckerwoods are smarter than average over at PJM….
at the legally proscribed 7.5 miles per hour
You’re saying it is forbidden to drive at 7.5 mph? You do live in an insufferable situation.
Run for the board of directors. Actually there are HOAs which are owned and run by the developers of the tract, and I would advise eschewing those when you buy a home. On the other hand if the HOA is actually run by an elected council, you may have more luck by running for the board or at least attending a meeting to complain about such arbitrary treatment.
I wish we had a stronger HOA in our neighborhood, because our neighbor’s house really needs some paint, and I don’t think he has any plans to address that need.
That’s why I live in the woods.
I live in a rather nice, small and working-class suburb in San Antonio, and we do have loosely-organized neighborhood association, mostly to keep up the landscaping on the enterances. At one of the early meetings, someone tentatively suggested forming a proper HOA – and that notion was shot down with the speed of light. Absolutely no one wanted anything to do with a HOA of that sort, for exactly the reasons outlined in this post and comments. Everyone agreed – got a neighborhood eyesore? Call city code compliance and report it. There was no earthly need to pull this kind of krep in the neighborhood.
That is why I prefer to live in a mexican neighborhood. Only unwritten rule is that all parties end by 12:00 midnight.
That’s it? Just as I was getting interested John it simply ends. Where’s the hook… the climax… who wins? I want my admission fee back! Oh and how do they know what the walls in your backyard look like? One would think you’d at least call to inquire about that? Though I can’t give you a gold star, not bad for your maiden voyage on Pajama. But next time do a little research first. Amateurish work like this may fly on the family Christmas greeting but it won’t here. Better luck in the future.
I recall an X-files episode in 1999 where they investigated the disappearance of a couple who had put up a whirligig. It seems that the HOA murdered those who violated the homeowners policy manual.
So, basically, you’re telling us that you traded your liberty for security, and now you have neither ?
Reminds me of being under the control of any leftist government.
In Statistical Analysis there is a rule of thumb….
Once is an occurance
Twice is an anomoly
Three or more times is a Trend.
HOA’s first issue is they will invariably treat Once as a Trend. This immediatly puts them in an adversarial relationship with the people who were forced to sign the agreement in order to purchase the home they now live in. Just try to buy a house without signing the agreement.
HOAs Exist for a reason, and like the Building of the Taj Ma Hall the reason has been lost in the Execution.
It took my wife and I seven years to find a home to our liking.
When we finally found a good realtor to help us look, she asked us what we each wanted in a home. My wife went into detail about open floor plans and style and yada yada. My answer was; ” I want to stand naked on the back porch, pee, and shoot my rifle at the same time and not have it bother anyone.” . She thought I was joking or exaggerating. I wasnt.
After rejecting hundreds of places, we finally found one. It is a really nice, well built house under 4 years old on six acres at the end of a dead-end road. We have added a hot-tub. The back of the property has 700 feet on rigolette bayou which is lined with woods or pasture for miles in either direction.
I think people pay good money to go on vacation in places like the one we live in. The only drawback (not) is the 20 minutes with woods being the only scenery on the drive to town.
I fish almost every day. I shoot my rifle from the back porch, naked if I want to. Every night we sit in the hot-tub and listen to the red wolves howl.
If a guy in a golf cart shows up here, god help him.
I forgot to mention, our back porch is actually a deck 25×70 feet. I built a really nice pergola over half of it. I planted muscadine and maypop ( native passion flowers ) on it. I hung out 6 hummingbird feeders and after two years we have swarms of the little critters, mixed with the hundreds of butterflies that come for the maypops.
Sorry John, but I cannot imagine why anyone would want to live in a place with a HOA. I would sooner gouge out my own eyes with a rusty fork as I am sure it would be less painful. My father lives in one in houston. He got a ticket for not washing his truck because the neighbor complained. So, I brought him a potted sweetgum to plant near the property line in the back yard near his neighbor’s pool. ( Sweetgum grows very fast, drops huge numbers of leaves and seed balls in the fall, and has very invasive roots.)
Are you in Rapides or Jefferson? Just curious. I’m a connoisseur of great homesites. I’ve got a couple.
Coming to your healthcare and neighborhood in 2014!
Uh John…
The CC&R’s cannot cover everything. Find something obnoxious that you can do- and do it for a while to make your point.
HOA’s. Communism comes to the suburburbs.
Everyone is a spy, and everyone has their own petty concerns. Be glad if you live in a small HOA without a management company. At least you have a chance to meet with your neighbors and discuss recent and current complaints in the neighborhood. Something about owning a home and passing on the hardwork to another homeowner. They will talk your ear off about it, but clam up when asked to speak to their next door neighbor about something that they would ignore in a normal one.
The one sentence that really makes your day as a volunteer on the board, is “You’re the trustee, isn’t that your job?” My answer? “Come to the next HOA annual meeting and put your name on the ballot, then you can run the place yourself.” Thundering silence.
It is an odd study in how you can change a neighborhood, but instituting measures that sound simple, but can turn ridiculous when you form an HOA.
Sometimes, the home is the price you can afford and the type you want. You hope the HOA doesn’t get overrun by type A control freaks.
HOA = Hellish OCD A-holes. Lived in one, if you can call that hellish NIGHTMARE living. Never again. Fighting a Batsh*t Crazy HOA can take up more time than a great career. And cost more money than you can make. And, thanks to the CAI Lobbyists that some of the money they manage to flog out of the homeowners (over any pretense) goes to support, the laws are essentially all to protect the HOA from having to behavely rationally or ethically – and to prevent them from having to answer in any fashion to the mere peons paying the bills.
Elections can be a farce, the Board may be dominated by a sleaze bucket attorney for a decade who throws his pals the business of suing innocent homeowners…No matter, the law says ‘Well, this is what you AGREED to, you signed saying you’d obey the Board’ – no matter how disgusting, vile and provoking said Board (dictator) may be, or how dishonest, he OWNS you if you buy there. With essentially NO disclosure other than ‘Oh we have a few rules to keep cars off blocks and such’ at the last minute by the realtor. No ‘Truth in Advertising’ as in Condo Laws, nothing.
You think you’re buying a home – when in reality you may be buying an enormous and never-ending liability, kissing your kids college fund and half your retirement goodbye. If not this year, then 3 years down the road. Making a brick flower bed border a ‘violation’ with a greater penalty than if you’d dumped radiation waste into the municipal water supply, that is the level of over-reaction HOAs have come to specialize in….much to the $$$ benefit of their Attorneys-Attached-To-Your-Property-For-Life.
Forget living in that bland, paranoid, OCD – ridden and self-worshipping ”Golf Course Ghetto’ of human misery – and buy a real home, with real neighbors, minus the built-in Gestapo and Attorneys. Outside of the Concrete Curtain!
Unless of course you want to relieve me of my 3 story, unfit-to-live-in, fetid cesspool disguised as a family home. Hey, it has a golf course! You do pay (lots!) extra for the club, but who cares, right? It might well be fit for your family – If you think peace of mind and enjoyment are over-rated or lead to spoiled kids
and/ or adults. Masochistic personality tendencies are a great fit here…..
Lived in an HOA community in VA Beach. Loved it. There were enough houses build that it had an elected board; wasn’t run by the builders any more, even though building was still going on. Rules were reasonable. And, the community pool, which I paid part of the upkeep for, was a lot nicer than one I could afford to put up in my backyard. And available all summer, unlike the public tax supported pool. The tennis courts were better maintained then the public ones at teh local HS, and within walking distance. And since I couldn’t afford to put a court in my backyard… Before I put up a fence, or planted a tree or bush, I submitted my plans, and got them approved. No problem.
Now, I live in the middle of nowhere, NY, on 8 acres. Can have a chain link fence instead of wood, and have one. Far more practical for the area. Can have any kind of mailbox I want, for about 18 months. That’s the average life of a mailbox in rural snow country. So, I have a cheap one. Live in a 3000 sf house, that i couldn’t afford in VA Beach. Just around the block, about 3 miles total, there 2 houses with attached garages, 4 houses with detached, about 5 trailers, and of those, about 1/3 look like they should be condemned, but there are people living in them. I have never met any of the people in the ones that look like they should be condemned.
Either way of living can be good; either way can also be a nightmare. I’ve also lived in apartments. Neighbors knew we had a cat, in violation of the RULES. But never reported us; the cat was quiet, and so were we. Don’t particularly like apartment living, but again, it can either be good or bad. I have had neighbors from hell in Navy housing in apartment like complexes. But then, some of my rural friends also have neighbors from hell. 400 ft away or one wall over, bad neighbors are bad neighbors, and can make life miserable.
If you live in an HOA, turn as little as possible over to professionals- keep control, and work to keep rules sensible. That would be my advice. And if you’re going to have the community pool, tennis courts, and other amenities, tehn those dues have to be paid- just like taxes- or the non-payer loses the house- just like with failure to pay taxes. May not be mnice, but if you want the amenities that come with the HOA covenant, then EVERYONE has to pay.