You like movies about gladiators…?
Actually, I do. Is that so wrong??? In fact, Starz’s over-the-top gladiator series, Spartacus: Blood and Sand, was capable of reducing me to an emotional 12-year-old every week. I would stare at each new gore-and-nudity-laden episode in a sort of mindless rapture, thinking, “Look… breasts… sword fights… also breasts…”
Hoping for a similar experience of ecstatic regression, I tried out the recent remake of Conan the Barbarian a few days ago. And let me add that I’m a big fan of Robert Howard’s original Conan short stories, which really are excellent entertainment. And let me also add that there was no shortage of beautiful naked women and good sword fights here as well. But the movie’s a dud. Conan the Disappointment. Not terrible or anything, just sort of flat and ho-hum.
What’s the difference between Spartacus and Conan? It’s the story, brother! In Spartacus—the first season more than the second, but the second too—the writers had a knack for stating genuinely interesting moral dilemmas in terms of sword fights and sex. That’s what hits that 12-year-old spot—because when you’re a 12-year-old… Okay, when I was a 12-year-old, I sort of thought all moral dilemmas should be solved through sword fights and sex. I mean, how cool would that be?
So—in the spirit of the final fight between Kirk Douglas and Tony Curtis in the original Spartacus film—the TV Spartacus would, for instance, show friends forced to fight one another, posing issues of loyalty, duty, survival, etc. It would put people in situations where they had to be unfaithful to their loved ones in order to save their loved ones’ lives. And so on. Silly at some level, I understand, but massively entertaining and involving and… dare I say it? Tons of fun! Which is what I was watching for.
The Conan movie, on the other hand, regurgitates one tired plot point after another. A childhood grudge, a magical sacrifice, a princess who must be tamed and yet who earns the hero’s respect… Really, who cares? Sounds like some producer or executive read Joseph Campbell or some book called “The Eight Essential Plots,” and thought he’d figured the whole thing out. Big mistake.
I wanted to love the Conan film cause I dig this sort of stuff. But if you want to do the sex-and-swordplay thing, you gotta make it matter. You gotta tell a good story.
I have to agree about Spartacus, although I’ve only seen the first season so far, and probably won’t bother to see Conan.
I’m a big Howard fan and the reason Hollywood hasn’t done it right is because they ignore the fact that the Conan stories were told with a type of descriptive and scene specific poetry that was just as important as Conan and the plot.
If a Conan movie isn’t redolent with the heavy smell of incense and layers of what is essentially the literary equivalent of a particular but not overdone art direction then it will never capture the unique nuance of Conan.
Many years ago a movie called “The Sword and the Sorcerer” came out. While still not in the right territory it was much closer to capturing the spirit of a Howard depiction of Conan than any of the Conan movies to date.
Agreed. The Schwartzenegger Conans totally failed to capture the atmosphere, the mood of the locations and the characters. Sounds like this movie did, too. I think it’s the same reason Hollywood has never gotten an H.P. Lovecraft movie right. They try to capture the action of the stories but don’t get the feel.
my problem with Spartacus is I keep comparing it to HBO’s ROME. And well, it doesn’t really compare.
I am not a fan of Gladiator Movies, but I loved the Kirk Douglas’ Spartacus movie. I just can’t get into the TV show. As for Conan, well… my wife used to model for Frank Thorne when he drew Red Sonja (she was his Ghita of Alizarr and some of his other characters, as well) and I still can’t get into this genre. At any rate, I don’t think Hollywood will ever make a Theatrical Movie like the original Spartacus again. Too much is done by committee. However, after reading this, I shall give Spartacus: Blood & Sand another try with my wonderful wife by my side.
I’m with you on this. Spartacus was entertaining becuz the story was good. The back-stabbing, the power plays, the scheming. . . it all worked.
I just watched Conan last week. I didn’t dislike it, but yeah… it fell kinda flat. There just wasn’t anything to it. I don’t think it was *bad* but I don’t care to ever see it again either.
Haven’t seen Conan, but another thing Spartacus had was very good character development.
And R.I.P., Andy Whitfield. You are missed.
Spartacus, for all it’s blood and flesh type porn is actually a very conservative story. The first season is all about a man trying to get back his wife. He is asked at one point, “Do you have a woman?” and answers, “I have a wife.” That being said, I have to watch it with my husband to tell me when it’s safe to look at the screen.
I understand there’s word that Hollywood has plans in the works to recycle yet another movie that reached it’s expiration date. It’s a remake of there old ‘Weekend at Bernie’s', but here’s the kicker, it’s set at Christmastime!
It’s called ‘Dead Santa’.
Don’t think it probably won’t happen.
Kirk douglas’ Spartacus can’t be beat but Schwartzeneger’s play in red sonia was decent.