It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn how to get charged with pretty much everything, the worst excuse for speeding, and how they (almost) get home from the liquor store in Kentucky these days.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man hits officer with motorcycle, attempts to climb in cars at drive-thru
So one good thing you can do when you've got a metric butt-load of drugs on you is the speed limit.
Or — hear me out on this one — you could blaze past a traffic cop doing 103 on your motorcycle.
Another good thing you could do after getting pulled over with an illegal pharmacy's worth of drugs on you is smile and say "Yes sir" a lot.
Or — really, this is totally valid alternative — you could try to flee but crash your bike into the cop. At which point, the only option left is to run over to a fast-food place and try to steal various cars in the drive-thru line.
At that point, I think we can all agree, the only remaining option is to get tased into submission.
Florida Man's list of charges is impressive: aggravated battery on a law enforcement officer, fleeing and eluding, possession of a concealed firearm in commission of felony, possession of a firearm under the age of 21, resisting without violence, driving with a suspended license, driving a motorcycle without endorsement, driving an unregistered vehicle, possession of a controlled substance and possession of marijuana with intent to sell.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Police Chase, Drugs/Alcohol, Tasered/Pepper Sprayed, Vehicular Madness, Assaulting a Cop, Police Bodycam, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Drive-Thru Mayhem, Should Have Taken the L, Crime Spree, Entrepreneurship, Dillhole. (12)
TOTAL: 12 FMF Points.
Wow, what a start.
Good Swords Make Bad Neighbors
Florida Man arrested after allegedly threatening neighbor with sword
You know when you get into an argument with your neighbor but then he pulls a big sword out of his truck and comes after you with it, raised up over his head?
No? Just Florida Man then:
Officers responded at around 6:57 p.m. on March 25 to Everest Parkway following a report of a disturbance involving a weapon. The caller told police that a neighbor had threatened them with a sword before driving away in a white Chevrolet pickup truck.
Investigators identified the suspect as Florida Man, 41, according to police. Officers determined that an argument between neighbors escalated when he retrieved a sword from his truck. The sword had a tan handle and a metal blade measuring approximately three feet long.
Turns out, Florida Man just drove home, sword still in the back of his truck, where police found them both.
Exit question: Why a sword in the back of your truck? What does that ever lead to, aside from arrest?
SCORE: Fleeing the Scene, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Domestic Bliss, Way to Take the L, I Just Seriously Don't Understand People Sometimes. (5)
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Endgame, Iran... or the Start of Something Worse?
That's Not How That Works
Florida Woman thought 123 mph was OK because she was 'driving a Supra'
You won't be surprised to learn that Florida Woman blew three times over the legal limit after getting pulled over driving her date's Toyota Supra at 123 MPH through Bonita Springs. The story didn't say which road which is a shame because I'm extremely curious to know if she was on an interstate or not.
But that isn't the fun part. This is:
Body camera footage shows a deputy ordering Florida Woman, 25, to turn the car off and her getting out of the car, which she said belonged to the male passenger.
When she was asked why she was speeding, Lopez blamed it on the car.
“Honestly, it’s just cause he has a Supra, and then I thought it was alright to go fast and everything."
"Oh, that's OK, then," is exactly what the deputy didn't say.
Instead he said, "I’m aware but unfortunately, turn around for me."
That's when the cuffs went on under Florida's new super-speeder law.
Sadly, there is no Supra speeder exemption.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Police Bodycam, Likely Story. (4)
RUNNING TOTAL: 21 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man Arrested for Stealing Over $900 in Disney Pins
That's only 50 pins, according to the story — and over $900? Really?
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're minding your own business driving around Miami without your seatbelt on because you're too tough to need one which everyone can tell because of all your bitchin' face tattoos when for whatever reason that cops pull you over but you're too tough for that too so when the cop asks for your license you keep telling him "don’t do me like that" but then the cop's all like "I stopped you before" and you're all like "Yeah I remember you" but instead of letting you off because you're all buds he starts writing a ticket but you don't have time for that stuff so you're revving the engine and you got you hand on the shifter and that's when you see your chance so you throw in into reverse and hit the car behind you and the cop a little too and then you're driving all cool blowing through stop signs and going the wrong way down one-way streets but then it's less cool when you crash into that stupid tree so you take off running but the cops grab you anyway and they get the cuffs on you even after you do that real tough thing of tensing up your arms to keep the cuffs off and then you're sitting there in jail wondering what face tat you'll get to mark the occasion.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Police Chase, Assaulting a Cop, Resisting Arrest, Fleeing the Scene, Should Have Taken the L, Face/Neck Tattoos, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot. (9)
RUNNING TOTAL: 30 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Police rescue Florida Woman who jumped into canal to rescue her dog
Nice:
Police say it happened Thursday evening after the dog jumped into the water. The woman went in moments later trying to save it.
Dimitry Shaposhnikov and his wife witnessed the incident from across the water.
“I don’t know what’s going on. She goes, ‘No, no, no, there’s someone in the water,’” Shaposhnikov said.
They watched as first responders worked to pull both the woman and her large dog out, using ladders and floating devices during the rescue.
Shaposhnikov said low tide made it difficult for the woman to get out on her own.
“I guess she jumped in because the dog was trying to come out. It was low tide, so at that point for her to even get somewhere was almost impossible. I didn’t even see a ladder or anything to come up, so she was stuck,” he said.
And here's the exit quote: "Once back on land, the dog shook off the water and wagged its tail while the woman climbed up a ladder to safety."
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness (Times two, once for the woman trying to save her dog, and again for the police saving the woman saving her dog), Water Hazard, Caught on Video. (8)
RUNNING TOTAL: 38 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: He Tried to Steal... an Election?
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
It's another big-scoring week. Five stories, 38 points, and an average of 7.6.
Meanwhile, in Kentucky...
Deport them all… just not the horse they rode in on.
— Steven R. Fields (@stevenrfields) April 1, 2026
Kentucky Cops Arrest Equestrian (illegal), 48, For GUI (Galloping Under The Influence)https://t.co/v8mUz0Xu0Q pic.twitter.com/Bal40rZ0Gk
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Storm Paglia at 4 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
