It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn the importance of leaving the scene of the crime, the stupidest way to save money on gas, and how to party like a shark in the Bahamas.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man arrested for theft of sensitive equipment at Palm Beach County elections office
We've seen Florida Man steal a lot of things over the years. We've watched him shove raw meat in his pants at Publix. We felt like we were there when he tried to steal an airplane or three last week. And Florida Man Friday readers know my favorite stories involve Florida Man stealing a police car.
Can you imagine the ribbing those cops get when they have to return to the station and explain what happened to their cruisers?
But this week's lead FMF story is all-new:
The Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office announced on Sunday morning that Florida Man, 59, of Lake Worth, was arrested on Saturday and is facing theft charges.
The sheriff’s office said Friday, March 27, it responded to the Palm Beach County Supervisor of Elections Office, located at 4301 Cherry Road on a report of stolen sensitive computer equipment.
Just how sensitive?
This sensitive: "Sheriff’s office detectives determined that on March 19, the Supervisor of Elections Office conducted a training session for volunteers assisting with the election scheduled for March 24. During the session, Florida Man stole an encrypted access key from a voter registration terminal."
Emphasis added. Because WPBF News left "access key" out of the headline and stuffed it down in the fourth paragraph. And then you have to get down to seventh graf for this gem:
The sheriff’s office said the key was configured only for training databases. There was concern that a knowledgeable person could potentially reverse engineer the encryption and reintroduce the key into a voter registration kiosk for malicious purposes.
You don't say.
Well, they did say... eventually.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Impersonation (of an election volunteer), Caught on Video, Glamor Mugshot, and a Demerit for WPBF News.
TOTAL: 4 FMF Points.
The Price Is Right
Florida Woman accused of squatting in home near The Villages, then selling the owner's appliances
Whenever I contemplate committing some crime or other — I promise you, mine are pretty interesting and totally private — the first thing I concentrate on is how not to get caught. But I've watched some CSI and Quincy and stuff, which is why I don't commit any crimes. The whole "not getting caught" part just isn't foolproof enough.
But the one thing I know for sure is that you never, ever return to the scene of the crime.
Florida Woman was just so gobsmackingly dumb that I'm not sure she ever left the scene of hers, squatting in a home in The Villages and selling off the washer and dryer for $150.
Wait... Frigidaire stuff for $150? Now that's a crime.
SCORE: Likely Story, The Villages, Criminal Mastermind, Getting Caught Stupidly, Entrepreneurship, Domestic Bliss, Glamor Mugshot. (7)
RUNNING TOTAL: 11 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: What in the Actual Hell Is Going on in China?
That's a Lot of Four-Dollar Gas for Free Gas
Florida Man Goes Viral After Buc-ee’s Gas Pump Meltdown
Florida Man had a bit of a meltdown at Buc-ee's after learning he couldn't use his gift card to pay for gas:
Florida man’s frustration with a new fueling policy at Buc-ee's boiled over into a viral moment after he reportedly tore off merchandise from his vehicle and tossed aside the brand’s signature stuffed beaver mascot in protest.
...
With limited money and fuel remaining, he said the situation left him effectively stranded.
...
“I got $4 in my account and 10 miles in my tank and literally can’t even get back home without getting gas money from my parents,” Florida Man wrote in the caption accompanying the video.The clip shows him removing an estimated $200 worth of Buc-ee’s merchandise from his car before discarding it, apparently in frustration.
I get it. Nobody likes four-dollar gas.
But Florida Man drove 30 miles out of his way — that's a 60-mile round-trip — to get to Buc-ee's, when his parents apparently had gas money.
And then he posted all that to TikTok. SMDH.
SCORE: Went Viral, Should Have Taken the L, Convenience Store, Hold My Beer, Dillhole. (5)
RUNNING TOTAL: 16 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man and Woman busted after allegedly having sex at park in front of family
Maybe She Didn't Know That Was Wrong
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you and your cats are at home minding your own business except for the cats because you just let them wander all over the neighborhood which is a lot easier than keeping up with all those litter boxes but anyway for whatever reason this animal control guy shows up and he's all like "you can't let your cats wander the neighborhood" and writes you a ticket like he's some kind of real cop but you show him and refuse to take it which is when he sticks the citation on your mailbox like he's some kind of mailman so you show him and you get the ticket and crumple it up and throw it at him which is when he goes and calls the real cops and when the deputy shows up just because you threw a piece of paper which means you don't have to talk to him so you lock yourself up in the house and call 911 and tell them if that cop breaks in you're gonna shoot him so more cops show up and this nicer one gets you to come back outside but it's all a trick to arrest you so your start hitting and kicking but they get the cuffs on you anyway and then you're sitting in jail with three felony charges and zero cats?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Burned by Grady, Assaulting a Cop, Resisting Arrest, Should Have Taken the L, Hold My Beer, Glamor Mugshot. (6)
RUNNING TOTAL: 22 FMF Points.
VodkaPundit Note: There was one story this week with an irresistible headline that I started writing up and having some real fun with. But then I got to the part where Florida Woman made her 18-year-old kid "lose everything," and deleted what I'd written. It was just too sad. But sometimes I like to give you a look behind the curtain, so you can see what the FMF editing process is like. There's so much more omission than inclusion that it might shock you what I throw away each week. Anyway, back to better stories.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
🇺🇸 A #Florida man put his own body on the line to protect his car from hail and prevent his sunroof from breaking. pic.twitter.com/H6IYa3RuSO
— Ian Collins (@Ian_Collins_03) March 28, 2026
Florida Man Sacrifices Himself to Save His Car From Hail—and Honestly, We Get It
This week's news was short on hero stories. But I did find this one, and even though it's not the usual FMF style... well, I like it, anyway:
For most people, a sudden hailstorm means pulling over, hoping for the best, and maybe bracing for a painful insurance claim later. For one Florida man, it meant climbing on top of his car and taking the hit himself.
According to reporting from FOX 13 News, Palm Bay resident Manny Rosado decided the best way to protect his car during a burst of heavy hail was to physically hold down a cover over the sunroof… using his own body. The now-viral TikTok shows him sprawled across the car, legs flailing, as hail pounds down while he tries to secure what appears to be a tarp or small tent, and while it plays like a comedy sketch, Rosado later confirmed the obvious: yes, it hurt.
No, he didn't save a baby or find a cure for dog cancer or anything like that.
But this is America. And we love our cars.
Some more than others.
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness, Went Viral, Really Bad Weather. (5)
RUNNING TOTAL: 27 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: This Is Exactly What I Said Would Happen if They Shut Down TSA
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 27 points for a respectable average of 5.4.
That's a low score in recent months, but I'm old enough to remember when 5.4 was a big week.
I'll take it!
Meanwhile, in the Bahamas...
Cocaine-fueled sharks are on the prowl in the Caribbean — scientists blame partying tourists
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to call my travel agent.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
